A break with the DC

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In a tricky situation with my husband and father of our three children ages 7-14. We have been together for nearly 20 years but had separate bedrooms for 6 years. We have no intimate or affectionate relations. He has had some mental health issues which he now takes medication for but are still present. I have had enough and have been seeing a therapist for 6 months and have decided that I am going to ask for a separation. I am trying to time this all well but it is hard.

I have arranged to go and see my parents for a few days with the children when school finishes. This was the only week in the holidays my parents can have us. I wanted to have a break and collect my thoughts before then telling my husband it is over. My husband now wants to come with us. They are not UK based but a short flight away. I had booked flights for myself and the children and explained that due to various things my mother has been having a hard time and I think it will be easier for her if it is just me and the children. He is now bullying me and making me feel guilty for going without him. I have only done this once before and he didn’t make it easy then.

I understand he thinks we are going on holiday but I see it as visiting my parents. I obviously haven’t booked another holiday for the family as I am going to tell him I want things to end. I am not doing it to punish him but he makes my mum very stressed and she then is horrible to me.

He is very dependent on me. I feel exhausted and just want the children to have a few days away as I think they are all suffering living in an unpleasant environment.

Should I just try to book some flights to join us for a few days or tell him it is better he doesn’t come.

Sorry for long post I hope I have given a clear picture of the situation.

Maybe tell him you want to separate now so he knows that he shouldn't go on the trip. If you've made your decision then act on it

Thank you Shoxfordian. I would be reluctant to tell him before we go as I am not sure how he going to react. He has been know to be destructive in the past. I would not feel happy for him to be left in the house. He has thrown away things in the past to be ‘helpful’. Like my birth certificate and financial documents. I obviously have these separately now.

When are you planning on telling him? I just don't think it's a good thing to have hanging over your head really. Can you make sure you have somewhere safe to go if he is aggressive or difficult? I think it's worth having it all out really. There's never going to be a perfect time to do it

I am planning on telling him when I get back. I am going to have the children stay with friends and then if necessary I will leave. I want thechildrem to be broken up from school. He may be irresponsible at school otherwise. Turning up and talking to other parents at the gate. He will probably tell everyone we know how awful I am. I have only told one friend who doesn’t live near us.

When I say leave what I mean is, to give him time to think. I am intending on him living somewhere else.

I will probably have to arrange this for him.

I'd tell him that your mum's situation means he can't come - it would be far too stressful for her and by extension, you. I don't think there's any nicer way to tell him - but I think you need the time more than he needs a "holiday".

MrsPepperpot79
Thank you. I have told him that, I said it initially when I booked the flights without him. He also knows how my mum gets stressed.

I also would like to have a few days with my parents and the children to give me perspective and calm before what in envisage as being a very stressful time ahead.