Gone NC an worried about Mum's reaction

[toxicsiblings]

Hi, will try to keep it short. NC just in case.

I am one of 4 children but much, much younger. Since I was a teenager I felt unloved, unsupported, awkward, annoying, different, ungrateful, judged, excluded, unwanted and a general PITA.

My dad was a functional alcoholic who was protected by everyone else in the family unless his behaviour impacted my mum who everyone was very protective of.

I was clinically depressed since around the age of 8 when there was a huge change in our family circumstances and we moved to another country. This wasn't diagnosed until I was in my teens and I was medicated and hospitalised for a couple of months (not sectioned).

I developed school phobia and a mild eating disorder and was generally a very sad, very anxious, very angry and lost child.

During this time I was told that I'd caused one of my parents to crash the car, would cause my parents to divorce and would be responsible if my sister had a miscarriage due to the stress I was causing.

The whole family saw me as the problem.

At school I was isolated from friends because I couldn't get to see them as they lived some distance away. It was a huge deal to give me a lift and I'd be expected to get public transport to the other side of town which was 2 buses. If I was given a lift it was such a major deal and I'd feel really guilty as it cost money for petrol and it meant they were inconvenienced.

Over the years as I became an adult I continued to be the problem through their eyes. Was told I needed to move out in my early 20s because I was causing my parent's problems and they'd end up divorced. I was ill and struggling to work so had no money to move out. I was generally excluded from events with my siblings and was told it was because I was awkward and difficult or that I was making something out of nothing. I was even blamed when my dad had a heart attack because I was causing him stress.

I did go to uni and have carved out a good career over the years and have a beautiful family of my own although I'm now a single mum. My relationship bar was very low and I married a totally unsuitable and abusive man.

Nothing I did was ever good enough, my achievements were because I was lucky to have had opportunities my siblings hadn't had. I was spoilt, above my station and thinking I was better than them.

Since my marriage broke up I've become a lot stronger and have distanced myself from pretty much everyone in my family apart from one sibling and my mom. My mom is really sad about this and doesn't understand.

In the last few years I've totally distanced myself from one sibling and have just told another I no longer want to be in contact with them. My brother is visiting my mom this weekend and I know he will tell her that I've said I'm now NC with him and this will hurt her which I really don't want. He will claim he doesn't understand and that he really wants me to be his sister and part of the family. This is the same brother who got together with my sister (also nc) to discuss me and decided that I could be part of the family if I "changed" to which I said goodbye. We live hundreds of miles apart so the only contact is cards and presents for the kids. He tells my mom he's done everything possible to repair the situation so she gets annoyed with me for not accepting their offer of friendship and family. I don't need toxic people in my life and I'm so much happier without them.

How can I get my mom to understand why I've had to do this for my own mental health and well being? She's going to be really upset with me.

Sorry that was so long

Sorry for the typos in the title

I think that it's going to be very hard for your mum to understand or even accept it.

I think that you're going to have to practise staying calm and stating your position "he wants me to be part of the family, as he puts it, "if I'll change" and I find that unacceptable. Perhaps it's better this way". Make it clear they're his own words.

Minimize it - you barely have any contact anyway! It's not really much of a difference.

She -will- understandably be upset, any normal mother would like their children to get on, but hopefully over time she'll accept it to some degree. Much as she'd like you all to be on good terms, it isn't within her power to mandate it.

Stay calm, don't justify it, you don't need to defend yourself. Imagine a glass wall around you to protect yourself from emotional pleas, if you have to. You don't need to be mean, just slightly disengaged in this area.

Also have you got anyone you can talk to about how things were growing up? It can really help.

My brother is visiting my mom this weekend and I know he will tell her that I've said I'm now NC with him and this will hurt her which I really don't want. He will claim he doesn't understand and that he really wants me to be his sister and part of the family.

He tells my mom he's done everything possible to repair the situation so she gets annoyed with me for not accepting their offer of friendship and family.

Well, then tell your mum that he's a big fat fucking liar and actually did this instead

This is the same brother who got together with my sister (also nc) to discuss me and decided that I could be part of the family if I "changed" to which I said goodbye.

And then tell her that you are much happier without the toxicity and it would be better if she could at least acknowledge that, even if it makes her sad. But, if she wants to accept your brother's word as gospel, she'll probably eventually end up not so close to you either.

Thank you. I'll brace myself for the fallout.

You do seem to be the classic scapegoat of the family.

You will probably have problems because the others will not want you to leave because then the role of scapegoat becomes open and one of them may have to fill the role.

However. That is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You are not responsible for their happiness. Only your own.

Block them or don’t read any messages protect yourself as best you can.

In short, the absolute best you can hope for is that she will acknowledge your decision.

She may never: respect it, accept it, understand it, support it, agree with it or allow it.

All you can do is put the boundary in place and stick to it if she pushes back. Use the Grey Rock technique to manage anything your mum resists.

www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/

So much of your post resonates OP

Honestly, there's no easy way around it, it doesn't sound like your mother will understand and you'll just be made to feel guilty and more blame placed upon you which you don't need.

I could be part of the family if I "changed" tell your mother this, and that you are unwilling to change, therefore you not 'allowed' to be part of that family.

The fallout will only be temporary, but so worth it. Concentrate on building your own family, genes don't carry an obligation.

Thank you. I had already told my mom about needing to change to be accepted and that I wasn't going to do that.she didn't believe that's that what they had said.
I'm pretty sure she was co-dependant with my dad as she put up with a lot of shit over the decades they were married. She can't see abusive behaviour as abusive as to her it's normal even if not nice.

she didn't believe that's that what they had said.

So when your conversation goes along those lines again say 'Well so your choice is to believe them, and call me a liar. Can I just ask where you think I should go with that?'

You have kids.

How long would you stand by while anyone (family or no) treated them for one second the way you were treated your entire life?

Your mother enabled this, all of it. Nobody would give a shit about anything unless it inconvenienced your mother yet you were treated like a dog for years and that was ok by her.

Go NC with the whole fucking lot. You married that twat because that entire shower of wankers taught you to be treated like that.

YOU saw abusive. YOU did something about it.

I hold HER very much responsible for the abuse and cruelty you suffered. Your dad was an alcoholic, he had issues really, what was her excuse.

Unforgivable.

@Hissy my mom argues that I'm denying my kids a family just because I don't want contact with my siblings. My thinking is that I'm protecting them from being the subject of unfair judgments, bitter jealousy and the rest.

She's already been in contact to say my brother has sent her the email I sent him and she's very upset. She doesn't see how he could have been so awful to me for me to want to go NC.

My mom and I are very close and this is the one thing we really disagree on. My siblings have always been jealous of how close we are as they had all left home by the time I was born. She's in her 80s now and we are even closer since my dad died. She doesn't see much of my siblings as they live far away don't bother much and I live in the same area. She's changed a lot in the last few years and is a lot stronger and I don't think now that she'd put up with how I was treated. She says life's too short to hold grudges. I argue life's too short to have people in it who make my life a misery.

You aren't holding a grudge though, are you? the bad treatment continues.

If - if- it stopped, then you'd need time to heal and then you could have a relationship on equal terms if you wanted it.

But you are not obligated to carry on a relationship with anyone except your dependent children if you are consistently being treated badly or if you are still hurting from being treated badly.

You have fallen into the trap of thinking your mum was the poor abused woman or your kind protector. She was neither. She was happy to use you as a human shield instead of protecting you by getting rid of your alcoholic father.

Of course she will be horrible to you about this. That's what abusive people do. Your mother is one of them. Look at her actions.

It gets easier when you accept that codependent people are abusive too. In a different way to the obvious abuser. They protect their own abusive relationship at all costs, including sacrificing their children. They like to pretend they are the protector when actually they are the jailer.

As an aside, never tell someone you are going NC or have gone NC. In my experience it doesn't help, it just feeds the drama. All you have to do is ghost them (somewhat) or do grey rock while being so so busy too busy to read or respond or meet.

Explain to her how unhappy siblings have made you and that going NC is better for you, you are stronger and happier now.

Also point out to her that you did not wish to upset her, and it was unfair of your sibling to get her involved and worry her, something you would never do.

You have struggled with depression and unhappiness all your life, you are looking after yourself emotionally as an adult. This is a good thing.

At her age she shouldn't have to be wiretapping by about the relationships between her children.

*worrying

You’re not close to your mother, you’re her feed for narcissistic supply.
All of you are bitplayers in her circus.

Answer this question to yourself :

Would you treat your kids the way that your mother treated you and allows everyone STILL to treat you?

You are now seeing her play the role of flying monkey - twisting your mind to get you to come back into the fold to get yet more abuse and manipulation

All of your family are abusive and narcissistic aresholes who delight in hurting you (and will hurt your kids too to get to you)

Trust me. The script never varies

Another voice here saying your DM is as guilty as anyone else, OP. My DS's girlfriend has been living with us since she was at school because her DM wouldn't protect her from her DF. And it makes me wild. Protecting our DC from abuse whether inside or outside the family is a decent parent's fundamental role.

You're a DM and so am I. Would either of us tolerate our DC being treated as you were as a child? For an instant? No. We would not. And we would not expose the DC we love so deeply to toxic people who will set them a terrible example.

I get that she's very old now and you want to brush unpleasant memories away, spend time with your DM before she dies. But I think it might help to be truthful to yourself about her role in all this because then it's clear what's going on. She wants you to capitulate, to go back in your box.

Do the broken record thing. Just say it was unfair for your DB to drag her into it, but your decision has been made. Or grey rock it. But please don't be swayed by what is just another attempt at manipulation.

This ‘mother’ doesnt Want op to be happy. She won’t listen to reason why her family should not treat her like this. It serves her need for drama and thrill to see op suffer.

I’d walk through a dozen hellfires covered in petroleum jelly before I allowed anyone to treat my child like your family’s treated you op.

I wish I knew them, I’d tell them all what I thought of them

She’s on their side OP. She’s never been on your side. She’s just as toxic as they are, but she’s more manipulative- she cons you into thinking she’s “close”

She’s literally your worst enemy

The OP loves her mother and she's the only family she's at all close to! Give her a break

And her mother is not working to protect her, she’s working with the others to manipulate and hurt her

I’m not the one who needs to give the op a break, her family need to leave her alone to live a life where she is valued and loved as she deserves to be.

The “oh but she’s you mother” is about the most hurtful response to these kinds of threads.

Read the op. See how she’s lived and what’s been done to her HER WHOLE LIFE, while mummy dearest stood by.

Hands up who here would treat their own kids like that?

I wouldn’t!

who would tread them like that? someone who's beaten down. Someone who is not brave. Someone who can't see things through her daughter's eyes or daren't.

It may be that the OP needs to back away if her mother can't accept that she's going NC with her siblings. But a deluge of Go NC With Your Mum is more likely to scare her. She's the only family she has left - telling her to dump her is like dropping a bucket of cold water over her.

I think you're projecting here.

Hissy and Prawn are right... sorry, OP. Your mum has enabled or at the very least tolerated the family dynamic which has hurt you so much over the years.

Of course she has had her own problems and may be a weak and fearful person who closes their eyes to a lot. But the bottom line is that nobody should tolerate that kind of treatment of their child. I'm sure you would never allow a child of yours to be treated in that way for a week - never mind their entire childhood. You would find the strength to stop the hurt and unhappiness and cruel treatment, or remove the child from that toxicity (as indeed you are protecting them now from your toxic family).

I'm really sorry, OP, but your mum does not have your back and she prizes a fake surface pretence of harmony above your happiness. And always has done. She just seems nicer than your DF and siblings because the bar is set so incredibly low.

Another vote for grey rock here. And have you found the Stately Homes thread?

I agree with @RabbitsAreTasty 'As an aside, never tell someone you are going NC or have gone NC. In my experience it doesn't help, it just feeds the drama. All you have to do is ghost them (somewhat) or do grey rock while being so so busy too busy to read or respond or meet.'

I agree with Hissy and can totally relate, sadly! However, agree with rabbits too- don't flatter their egos and tell them - just be unavailable, both physically and mentally. I did this quietly a few years ago. Seriously the best thing I ever did. My line of work involves contact with families. One day it just clicked how many toxic families there are and they all had family members who went NC. That day I went home,unfriended them on social media ( with friends like that who needs enemies?) Luckily I have my own DC so really didn't need their shizzle. Have I missed them at all? have I feck!