Possible trigger - abortion - please help me.

[blackfog]

I’ve name changed for this but I’ll try and include as much information as possible.

About 7 years ago, I had a termination.
I was with my ex boyfriend, I wasn’t too far along but it haunts me.
My ex boyfriend was incredibly emotionally abusive, he was physically abusive a few times too, and also cheated on me.
We had been together for 1.5 yrs when I found out I was pregnant, I was taking the pill.

I tell a lot of people the above, because of the guilt I feel at the truth - I forgot a pill.
It’s my fault that I had to put myself through that, and I don’t think I can ever get over it.
Because my ex was emotionally abusive, and he’d put me through yet another massive row before the termination, he said he was going to leave me straight after.
On the evening, I was in floods of tears, he told me to go in the other room because he wanted to sleep.
I got no closure, because soon after I had found out he cheated and I moved all of his things from the house.
He hasn’t contacted me since.

I then met my DH.
My DH and I met about 1 month after this happened, we now have a beautiful DD who is almost 4, but I’m constantly waiting for something to go wrong in my life to punish me for what I did.

There are so many people who can’t have babies and yet I got rid of one, I think seeing my DD grow in a way makes it harder because I’m waiting for something awful to happen to her because of what I did.

It sounds irrational written down, And I know this - I booked myself into a counsellor 4 weeks ago and I went and spilt all of this - she told me that it was ok to be feeling what I felt because it was ‘the death of a child’

This has made me feel horrific.
I am snappy with my partner, I can’t cope at work, I can’t think or feel anything - I’m just lost. I’m angry my ex partner has ‘got away with’ not feeling anything. Im ruining my marriage with the way I’m acting but I can’t see why this is suddenly affecting me much worse 7 years on.

I don’t know what I’m asking for, I guess just to see it written down or a hand hold?
I know I’m an awful person and I bought it on myself, but I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been to the GP and thy suggest medication, but I’m scared if I start it I’ll have to rely on it for the rest of my life just to stay alive.

Op I'm sorry I have nothing different to say than pp. You did the right and best thing and don't deserve self-imposed lifelong punishment. Get a new counsellor for goodness sake (!) and consider some low-dose antidepressants. Taking them is not a cop out, or a weakness, see it as a tool to consider using, just like counselling, or reading self help books.

@PrizeOik your post made me cry X

PrizeOik's post is beautiful and very moving.

This thread has reminded me of something I did in my teens. I was feeling bad about something and shared it with a school friend. She was a Catholic and suggested confession. I'm not religious but she said that didn't matter.

So she took me to her church, had a word with the parish priest, and he agreed to hear my confession. He made no attempt to convert me, and listened while I haltingly explained my shame and my lack of religious belief. He then told me God had forgiven me for all my sins.

I came out of that church feeling as free as a bird. Light as a feather. Not sure I would do the same now - my views on the Catholic church are very different than they were all those years ago - but you might find it worth a try.

Hmm, you’ve been TTC’ing for four months and your thoughts are being consumed by the pregnancy you terminated years before, there’s your trigger. Even if the circumstances weren’t so awful, having a termination wasn’t a terrible decision. Maybe it’s time to postpone the TTC and start counselling with a different counsellor.

You aren’t an awful person, your Ex isn’t still ruining your life and you do have the power to move past this. The trauma of your relationship has affected your self worth and unfortunately your termination has got mixed up in all that.

For me personally, termination is about choice and unfortunately many women don’t have that choice. It isn’t a punishment or something you need to be forgiven for, it was the best decision you made for your personal circumstance at the time.

Be kind to yourself and start investing in your emotional well-being because everyone will benefit.