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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

would really appreciate some advice please

21 replies

sbm1111 · 28/06/2018 21:01

My ex and I broke up two months ago after being together over 2 years. We had a great relationship and were very close, spent a lot of time together and were very happy. We both envisaged a long future together. In March we had a large argument; basically it was my fault and spread over two days. I was particularly down as it was 6 months since my mums passing and 3 months since I miscarried and it all came over me and I broke down. He was out with his friends that weekend and I constantly called him crying etc and accused him of not caring. It really hurt him and made him angry, I feel awful but I wasn’t in a good place at the time and who could blame me giving all the loss I had been through.
He broke up with me a month later because he said he didn't feel the same after the argument and something didn't feel right. He said initially things were ok we even went on a mini break together and all was normal again. He tried for two weeks to shift the feeling but couldn't. He said at the time of breakup he didn't know if the feeling would ever come back again but felt we needed to break up at that time. During this two weeks prior to breakup we spent less time together (due to my work) and he started hanging around with a new group of friends from his workplace. They started going out more and spending a lot more time together and have since; they are even on holidays together this week. He also spent a lot of money on a new car which surprises me as he always said he would never spend the amount of money he did on a car like that.
He said he still cares about me (which I believe by his words and actions) and misses some of the things unique to us, but doesn't miss them enough to want to try again. He thinks of me on special occasions like exam results and even gave me a card to congratulate me on a new job. He wants us to be friends and keeps in contact every few weeks. In addition he said he has never kept friends with any ex before he always immediately cut off but cares about me so much that he "left the door open" for me. The other day when I asked him to think of me during a sad anniversary coming up he said he thinks of me every day and said nice things like I was the strongest person he knows. He even told me two weeks ago he felt we would always be together. I am slightly confused because he says he doesn't want me but clearly cares about me.
I feel that the relationship was becoming slightly stressful towards the end (as I am grieving) and when he started spending time with his new friends he got a new lease of life and it was fun hence why he was drawn to that. My friend thinks he is going through a phase. Is there any possibility he may come back in the future once the novelty and buzz of the new friends fades somewhat?

OP posts:
category12 · 28/06/2018 21:14

I think he thinks he's being kind, but actually he's not by giving you hope. Either it's misjudged sympathy or less pleasantly, it's liking having you as a safety net.

But OP, think about it, do you really want someone who isn't there for you in the hard times? Who puts his social life ahead of you? Basically someone who opts out of the tough times? Who "misses you but not enough to try again"?!

Surely you deserve better than that?

loveyoutothemoon · 28/06/2018 21:20

I think he's letting you down gently and you need to cut contact altogether for your sake.

Lizzie48 · 28/06/2018 21:22

You're not to blame at all. Think about it, you lost your mum 6 months ago and had a miscarriage 3 months ago. That's a lot for anyone to go through. Your ex should have been supporting you rather than prioritising his social life. It doesn't bode well if you do get back together.

I'm really sorry, but he doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

I'm so sorry for your losses, OP. Don't blame yourself at all. ThanksThanks

Pickleypickles · 28/06/2018 21:24

Do you want to wait around for the man who might possibly maybe want you one day? I know I wouldn't. You are worth more than that.

Rr3laxingdayz · 28/06/2018 21:41

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your DM. Secondly, if your ex was not supportive regarding two recent losses, he is not worth waiting for. It sounds like he has moved on to the life of a single person quickly. Was the baby planned ? Look after yourself first, before putting energy into other people, especially an EX

sbm1111 · 28/06/2018 21:45

thanks for the comments. Does it sound like maybe it is a phase? Maybe he is blindsided by his new fun friends and misplaced his feelings for me because he was emotionally unavailable to deal with it all?
I am planning on cutting contact from this point on by the way. I know it is doing me no good and it also makes me feel quiet inferior while hes showing off his new life he feels sorry for me or something. I know for sure he does care though he is not faking that. Which is what confuses me

OP posts:
sbm1111 · 28/06/2018 21:47

no the baby was not planned nevertheless I felt it was a gift from my mum and I wanted it so bad. It would have been due this week yet he told me last week he was going on holiday with his new friends. Which hurt like hell to be honest

OP posts:
anotherangel2 · 28/06/2018 21:48

No I don’t think it is a phase. For what is worth if my partner of two year rang me repeatedly because they were ill, which you were, I would have gone to look after them.

anotherangel2 · 28/06/2018 21:49

You definitely need to cut all contact. Talking to him is just hurting you.

sbm1111 · 28/06/2018 21:51

to be fair he did support me at the time. he was brilliant when it all happened I cannot take that away from him. But something changed in him during those two weeks to cause him to loose his "romantic" feelings for me. I feel let down but on the other hand if he doesnt feel it why stay. But what upsets me most is he didnt try. two weeks after the fight we were good. then two weeks when he spent time with the friends he changed and didnt want it anymore hence why I feel they may have played a role. But he didnt try.. even if he felt differently he didnt tell me and try date nights again or different things to make sure the feelings were gone. He told me her tried but how could be try when nothing changed to try reignite it?

OP posts:
category12 · 28/06/2018 21:58

Is one of these friends another woman?

sbm1111 · 28/06/2018 22:03

there are a few theres a large group of them both male and female, more than 10 who all work together

OP posts:
Arum51 · 28/06/2018 22:06

He was in a long term relationship, he was going to be a dad... then he wasn't going to be a dad. Then the fun friends showed him that actually, maybe we wasn't as ready for fatherhood and a long term commitment as he thought.

He's sad about what could have been, but he's decided it's probably best this way. Which he knows would be horribly painful for you to hear him say, so he won't, and is, out of guilt, saying nice things instead. But that's just getting your hopes up.

I'm really sorry, but he's moved on. He's run away from what you were offering, and has gone back to the single life. Don't wait for him Flowers

sbm1111 · 28/06/2018 22:17

he didnt want to be a dad though. I dont think the baby had anything to do with it because he was sadly relieved when it happened and it was never an issue since then. We always got on so well even afterwards and had so much fun all our family and friends were shocked when it happened.

My plan is to cut contact and try move on. I have a date planned for next week with a seemingly nice guy. Im letting go. He hurt me so bad and I feel he impacted and complicated my grief. If he realizes his mistake and if its meant to be im sure he will be in touch.

OP posts:
sbm1111 · 28/06/2018 22:53

I know you guys feel he is saying all that stuff to make me feel better and not to hurt me, but if he genuinely meant it and wasnt saying it just to be nice or to make me feel better, would that mean anything?

OP posts:
LeahJack · 28/06/2018 23:02

You sound really incompatible and at the wrong points in your lives to be together.

It sounds like you would like a family and a life centred around each other and a family. He wants to enjoy himself. Neither is wrong, but they don’t go together.

Pickleypickles · 28/06/2018 23:04

I broke up with a boyfriend once who was lovely, nice, caring, good looking, got on great with my family etc. But i didn't love him anymore. It was nothing he did, he was still the great guy i fell in love with and he was heartbroken and felt it had come out the blue when we broke up. It would of been a lot easier for me to reply to his text with kind words, tell him we could be friends, tell him i cared for him still because it was all true BUT I knew he loved me and i knew it would keep him clinging to hope that "maybe just maybe" so i did the decent thing and ignored him, i didn't tell him any of the things I felt because bottom line was I didnt want him to be my boyfriend anymore.
I hate to sound harsh but i feel like that is what is happening here - you are wonderful and he knows it so he feels bad so is trying to let you down gently. Basically he is putting his need to be the "good guy" above your need for closure.

Gruffalina72 · 28/06/2018 23:05

Yes. It would mean he doesn't respect you enough not to mess you around like a puppet in a string instead of a person, and doesn't care enough about you to stop behaving in a way that is hurting and confusing you (and obviously would).

eightfacesofthemoon · 28/06/2018 23:05

Listen to actions not words.

sbm1111 · 28/06/2018 23:14

I asked if he did mean what he was saying and wasnt saying it to make me feel better then would it mean anthing

OP posts:
Pickleypickles · 28/06/2018 23:41

People lie.

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