How do you know when it's time to call it quits?

[itsBritneyBeach]

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble.

DP and I have been together since we were 17, we're 20 and 21 now. I know we are still young but we've sort of matured together and are a big part of each other's lives. We don't live together.

Every couple of months I get these doubts, whether he's right for me or not, and whether the things I'd like to be different are "big things". I have a history of depression/anxiety and BPD to top it all off!

The things I'd like to be different are:

• I wish he was more sociable
• I wish I liked his family (they're tolerable but complete polar opposites)
• I don't feel any sexual attraction anymore and even kissing feels weird to me now

But I really love him and he's so lovely. He never is mean to me, always treats me and is a real gentleman with opening doors for me, carrying bags etc (not transporting back to the 1950s, I have a chronic illness which makes me weak!) and he is genuinely so sweet. I don't think I could ever find someone better than him, but part of me longs for excitement again. Whenever I voice these concerns he says "I'd be heartbroken but you have to be selfish, and do what will make you happy and I'd never stop you from anything" etc which makes the situation even harder! I see a sensible future with us, in that he is saving for a house with me etc but I don't know if I truly want it. Then whenever I feel the time is right to end it, I get so upset and scared and feel so guilty because he's truly lovely and I am lucky to have him. But something feels off.

How do you know when to pack it in?

From what you've said OP about the sexual attraction I would have to say now is the time I'm afraid and I am emphatically not one of the LTB brigade (self preservation and all that!).

YOu should definitely call it quits.

It's not right. He may carry your bags and be sweet but he's not averse to a bit of manipulation.

I think you need to announce your decision. Not seek his permission to end it.

YOu voice doubts, as though the situation is a 50:50 thing. The moment one person wants out, it's over. That is shit when you're the one being rejected, but nobody should guilt you in to staying with them.

Thanks for answering so quickly you two! That's the thing I'm not sure if I do want out or not, I feel like I'll regret it either way I'm not sure if it's the mental illness or if it's just me being a weirdo!!

When you feel weird kissing your partner its time to call it a day.

Yes. It was nice while it lasted but move on now.

I’d end it, OP. You are much too young, and this is far too new a relationship for you to be trapped with someone you are no longer attracted to, and who sounds as though his best trait is that he’s not actively obnoxious.

I think fear of doing the wrong thing is natural. Because we're hardwired to resist change. Even change for the better is hard - before it! It's an evolutionary thing because evolution programmes us to do no more than survive and pass on our genes. But there is more to a life.

The decision is hard. Before it's made. Maybe things will have to rumble on for another year until you're surer of your decision. That would be a waste of a year from what I've read. But I do

I was 36 and the man was abusive, so different situation obviously but believe it or not it was still a difficult decision to leave, or seemed it at the time. So let me tell you the two questions that helped me get clarity.

1. if there was a magic fast forward button to fast forward you to a point in the future where the break up was already a year behind you and all the difficult discussions had been had- and processed and there was acceptance from him, would you press it?!

2. if you were dying would you spend your last year with him?

Apologies for that one but I used to go runnign to get space from my xh and it popped in to my head one day as I was running that if I were dying I'd leave him and go home to my parents. Then I thought, I could do that anyway even though I'm not dying!!!!!

So apologies if question 1 is Harry Potter fantasy and question 2 is very bleak! but they helped me decide what to do

You're not a weirdo.

Don't doubt yourself!

You're not feeling it anywmore, which is your absolute prerogative

@NobodysMot that post has made me burst into tears. Thank you so much

Wish I had a magic wand.. but I don't even know what I'd want to magic up!!