wish i had a new chance of a family life

[happyfrown]

dad has died, never really bothered half the time. mum doesn't give a toss, brother and sisters don't stay in touch. the rest have never liked me and never mad effort.

I had my own family, 2 ds and 1dd. my ds's live with their dad due to my mental health.
its my dd's birthday soon and it will be just me and her, maybe the boys if they want to come over? it really upsets me as she asks every year if someone else is coming.
I sit here every day so alone and desperate for people to care about us and vise-versa. some one to visit at the weekends to talk about how the kids are growing up, learning etc

all 3 kids have a lack of family/ extended family. ex partners (dd's dad) parents don't have any interest in dd and ex lives there! the ds's dads family all live abroad or most have passed away. I feel so sorry for the kids.

I know familys argue and they aint all perfect. but I feel the cycle of this shit family history is so sad and depressing. it knots my stomach to think that the kids will have the same struggle of having no one, I feel un-placable (not a word?) like I don't fit anywhere or know who I am? id hate this for them too.
this is just thoughts out loud, nothing anyone can really say.

The most important thing for your dd is she has you! I don’t have a big family to interact as they seemed to have their favourites!

Get to know other parents and make okay date arrangements with them. Friends are are after all the family you choose .

I couldn’t care less about my extended family as they have never bothered with us , it was a a bit weird when I was younger but I quickly forgot about it as my immediate and very small family were great . You are enough OP. A mother’s love is the most important thing . Sending virtual hugs xx

*that was meant to say play dates not okay dates 🙈

I find it hard to connect with people (due to my MH) I do have a friend who has 2 boys, my dd plays well with her younger boy. my only other friend has an older teenager.
ive been hurt in the past by friends who didn't understand me and how my head worked! so never managed to hold onto friends. tho the 2 I have are great.

its always been on my mind that im missing something, like theres a void? I get triggered so easy when I see families together, especially when were in the park or at Christmas etc. many people think you don't miss what you never had but I did and still do, same as the dcs - they always asked why we don't have family over? its what they see at school run, out and about. I just say we don't have a big family, fact is we don't have any family. well apart from their sibling.

I get exactly how you feel OP. My family exist of just me and my two DD, my Mum died six years ago, Dad never been in contact since my birth, no siblings, their father family cut contact when we split,no Birthday cards, messages or acknowledged they exist from their Dads side of the family. No advice except to say you are not alone in this. My way to cope is keep off FB and try to be the best Mum I can x

If you look at the stately homes thread, you will find loads of people who have shit families, and have stopped all contact with them.
My own parents were abusive, my nearest relatives are hundreds of miles away and my DH is dead.
Don’t make yourself unhappy by comparing your life with the few folk who have idyllic families. Many big families argue, fight, bear grudges, run feuds. All is not as rosy as it appears to outsiders, in many cases.
Focus instead on your own life and kids. Think about what you would like to do to make your own situation more fun and enjoyable. Encourage the kids to make friends their own age, chat to their parents, go along to any local groups or activities that interest you.
Secondly, are you on any medication for your MH? Are you needing a psych review and an increased dose or change of meds?
Finally, remember also that you are loved by God, as a unique member of His human family, so you are never truly alone or without love, whatever happens in your life.
Sending you a hug, and some encouragement to find some happiness for yourself.

thanks babycow for having an understanding. I do feel so alone in this world. im also sorry to hear you too have lack of family. wouldn't wish dysfunctional family on anyone!

thanks for your words babdoc. my parents never showed love or affection. I learned from a young age that neither family didn't want to know and it was just my siblings, non caring mum and heavy handed step-dad. I longed for what I my friends had, going to their nans or their excitement to be picked up from school by their aunt, uncle etc. just a change of scenery and faces.
when my dcs started asking where the family is, it took me straight back to those memories. sadness I felt.

the MH team have tries many meds but they all made me manic. so I am trying to manage with out meds but im currently appealing my discharge from their care. on going battle ive had with them last 2yrs.
my eldest ds has many close friends and I think is doing ok. my younger ds is struggling. I see me in him and a lot of what I was like and acted. he cant make friends easily. im pretty sure he will be diagnosed with BPD too. my dd is a people person and will try to make friends over the park. im proud of them all. I guess part of me feels like ive failed abit in providing people in their lives and future.

sorry to hear you DH passed xx

Poor love. I know exactly what you mean. Not everyone has a large extended family network that get on and keep in touch. Your daughter has you and that’s so important. Definitely have a glance at the Stately Homes thread. Could you invite your friend with the boys and just do jelly and cake. Maybe, out to a park for a picnic? When I had my DS I was very much alone with him. I felt guilty all the time that I wasn’t enough and I’d let him down. I think you sound like a caring and loving Mum. You’re doing your best for them. Remember that. And it sounds like it’s more than your own parents provided for you.

babycow sorry I just reread thread, sorry to hear your mum has passed.

auntyjackie thankyou, i know its rare to actually have a family unit that get on. i have seen some out and about that look magical but i do hear mostly family feuds. obviously my wish is for a functioning family haha, jokes aside i know to be careful what you wish for.

im not sure what im doing for dd's birthday. i wanted to get out the house and keep her busy.

do you think this guilt of failing /letting them down will ever fade?
when i talked to the psychs they say its was mainly about my missing childhood, family and affection. oh and anger!
i struggle to show affection to the dcs, though i try hard to let them know they are loved. i hope they know how much i love them.

I think the guilt of not knowing what it is to come from a loving home environment does pass through the generations, we simply don't know what it is to love and be loved, I hope I've bypassed this but who knows, maybe my girls will suffer xx

I've made so many plans, actions in place so they don't, but without a father figure, no stability in their former years I dear for them x

Sadly, I think my son has lost out by being born into a dysfunctional family. So, I try my best to compensate. OP, you can only do the best you can. Be kind to yourself. When DS was young, he loved doing a picnic. My friend, a single parent, threw herself I to the local village church. Fetes, nativities, Sunday school. Her kids felt a “family” connection within the church. I couldn’t do that but, for her it was good.

before my health took a turn i did get out more and coped with life better, now im more introverted - which obviously isn't helping and definitely not done intentionally. dd does miss out on things but have enjoyed picnic and days at the park. yet she will always ask who else is coming. sometimes my friend comes. when i pick her up from school she asks if anyone is coming over or are we going to anyone.

babycow i hope times change for your dc, you sound lovely and caring. dd does see her father but hes priorities and laziness means he only sees her for 13hrs a week! and then he barely spends the time with her as he watches tv or face glued to phone while dd sits bored.

i once planned to try and track family that may not know of us but i wouldn't know where to start and then theres the fear of rejection all over!

thankyou both for your time to talk

happyfrown, what about classmates? I used to do “jelly and cake” and open the door and let the kids run about/make their own fun. Just a thought. I never did party food because of a) the expense and b) all they really wanted was the cake! Are there say 4-6 class buddies who could come? The weather’s so good at the minute.....might be an idea.

honestly so wish i could cope with that. people will throw stones at me and call it selfish. but if i could take my head off for a day and fix a new one i would. i don't deliberately go out my way to put dd through going without stuff.
i did it once for my sons birthday, he had 4 or 5 school class mates over - i had to hold it together for the 4hrs, trying to focus thoughts, breathe, i have ocd so trying to ignore the mess, the noise... took me days to get over it! i had a partner at the time so while i was recovering so to speak, her (dd's) dad kinda helped keep me together.

id rather borrow a child or two and take them to a picnic at park with us. i just don't know the parents well enough. so far i think we have the beach planned, weather permitting. but all could change on my mood etc. sounds like im not trying but it is really hard.
even with picnic and being responsible for others kids i will wobble, its unfair on dd. i hate it and wish i could be different.
for instance this week has been really bad to the point i cant even focus on what my friend was saying/chatting, she had to repeat herself i forgot things, staring into space, nearly got run over cos i stepped out into the road. (again!)
i couldn't trust myself with others dc.

sorry this is turning into about my head. not my intention to talk about 'woe me' just trying to reply honestly and explain. x

That’s OK, HappyFrown. You’re not well and you’re doing your very best. That’s really all you CAN do. I think the beach with a couple of friends sounds wonderful. Could you possibly speak honestly to one of the mums and ask for some help? They may say no, but then, they may be able to help you on the day. My son has crippling ocd. He’s been treated on and off since he was ten. Keep your chin up love.