Am I being selfish?

[choccyfiend78]

After being single for over 3 years I have finally found a man that I want to be with and who thinks the world of me. However, he has in the last couple of days said that he has been doing some thinking and doesn't think he can do the whole family thing again (I have 10yr old DS and he has 2 grown up girls) as he has done that already.

I was not asking him to be a dad to my boy as he has a decent relationship with his own father and stays with him every other weekend and every Wednesday night. Ideally I did see us at sometime in the distant future possibly moving in together etc but not for at least the next 12 months as I am too used to being in my own space.

The thing is that we are both happy with the weekends we have and the midweek night but a bit of me feels selfish for wanting to continue as we are. I feel guilty that i want to carry on this relationship without my son being involved ( they have met and DS adores DP) and also that I am maybe holding DP back from meeting someone else that he can settle with comfortably long term without the worry of taking on another child.

I guess I don't really have a question, I just needed to get it out of my head! I am happy with the way things are, we both are, but should I really carry this on knowing it may not likely go anywhere long term or do I cut my losses now and walk away from the best thing I have had for a long time??

Why would you walk away if you are both happy? That seems silly. It's no less of a relationship because you don't shack up. Sounds like a win-win here, your son doesn't have to deal with a stepdad, you have your space, he has his, everyone's happy. What's not to like? Your boyfriend is a grown up. If he were unhappy he's free to end things. He doesn't because he's happy as things are, too. Why not just enjoy it rather than overthinking it all?

I have a similar set up - been with DP 2 1/2 years and my teenage daughter barely sees him as we tend to only go out or see each other when she's at her dad's or a club, etc. They chat fine when they do see each other and it all feels completely normal.

It works as he feels no need to parent her, she doesn't need another male parent (although her relationship with ExH is rocky to say the least!) and I get to have a lovely DP with no complications!

I don't think we'll ever live together, or at least not for many years, and do you know what? It's great! No domestic rows, plenty of space for me to be a mum, no financial dependence on each other, I love it most of the time (although I do get the occasional down moment when I know my friends get to wake up next to their man every morning, stuff like that)

Don't let other people's conventions and rules affect your relationship, do what's right for you!

I guess I was thinking about walking away because I did see us eventually taking things further but at the moment he definitely doesn't want that. I think a part of me hopes that he may change his mind further down the line but I feel a bit bad that I could be keeping us both from finding what we really want just for the sake of having some fun?

I do have a nasty habit of overthinking things and get a little anxious when it comes to relationships due to bad experiences in the past and think it is partly that I know it will hurt more if it all crashes down later on

A relationship doesn’t always have to move on to that next step.
If you’re both happy with the way things are then stay that way

I'm in a committed 7 year relationship with DP and we don't live together, nor can I see us doing any time soon. My DD was 11 when we met and the right time never happened. Now we've settled in to a happy routine of one staying with the other once or twice a week and we're both very very happy with the situation.

What's wrong with just having some fun? Why does it always have to be a live-in situation? You're both happy with now. That's all there is. It seems silly to throw away a happy relationship for speculating on a future that might not happen.

I haven't lived with a man for decades! much prefer living seperately when in a relationship - it keeps it fresh. Any annoying habits either of you have, you can tolerate a couple of times a week

You both sound happy, so why end it?

I'm always confused by why people are so desperate to aim for living together as 'the next step'. Why? It destroys the magic in my view as you get bogged down by the domestic shit everyone has to deal with/whose turn it is to do the washing up.

Keep seeing each other and don't move in - as said above, that way he won't feel like his has to parent your DS.

Agree with others. For people with older and grown kids, I don't see the point of living with someone. It seems to ruin the relationship; getting stuck with the grunt work, cleaning up someone's messes, etc.