When is enough enough?

[creampie]

I've been married 5 years, together 13. 2 children aged 5 and 8.

I just don't think I love or respect my husband anymore. I mean, I respect him as a person, I like him as a person, but I just don't feel I want to be with him anymore. We haven't had sex for months and I can't bring myself to change this.

Nothing has really happened to bring about this change. No affairs, no aggression, no blatant disrespect. It's just been a quiet death of a thousand cuts really.

I'm sure we could rub along together for a good few years yet, not really being happy, not really being unhappy, but when do you decide enough is enough? When can I justify to myself breaking up my family for a subtle feeling of just not feeling it anymore? I don't really even want to try counselling, I know I've already checked out emotionally.

I just keep wishing he'd have an affair or empty our joint account or something just so I can justify the decision to myself, but he's not really that sort of person.

I think part of me worries I'll be lonely, I'll regret leaving, that this is just a phase we all go through. How do I know if this is the case or if I really should leave??

I'd like a trial seperation, for us to live apart for a while and share custody, but he'd never agree to this. If we separated he'd straight away want to sell the house etc. I suppose it wouldn't be irreversible still even if that happened, but I suspect he'd deliberately make things really tough for me, which would kill any chance of us getting back together. I guess at that point I could justify myself based on his behaviour but it's behaviour that would never had shown itself if I hadn't asked to separate so I'm not sure it would feel like justification??

I'm just going round and round in circles with these thoughts. They're not going away but I can't bring myself to make the jump.

I tried leaving a few months back, but didn't have the guts to see it through. He was so upset and it was so hard to extricate myself that I gave up and came back. Nothing's really changed.

I think if I were to leave this time, I'd have to arrange things properly, line up somewhere to live etc before I went. But I'm scared to in case I change my mind again. Im also scared to look back in 10 years and realise I've wasted my life on something that will never get better.

Can anyone offer any advice. I just don't know how to decide in the absence of some obvious trigger.

I know I've already checked out emotionally

That's when.

You're done and i don't think you come back from done. But obviously it's not as simple as that. Is there any way of getting a way for a few days to get your thoughts in order? Or I know you don't want marriage councelling but what about councelling on your own as you can talk through everything with a objective third party.

It was easier for me, there were no kids.
It took me 6 months to have the guts to tell him it was over, but the relief that flooded through my body was amazing, it gave me the confidence to get on with my life.

Individual counselling is probably a good idea. I've read "too good to leave, too bad to stay" which helped clarify things a bit, but was a bit meh.

Can anyone recommend any other books that might help me decide/plan things more effectively?

I was you 10 years ago. We had been together for 11 years by then, married for 7 of them and had a child together. I'd lost respect for him due to crap financial decisions he had made over the years with no consultation with me. He wasn't a bad person at all, but there was no love left and we hadn't had sex for years. When I told him it was over he was devastated and wanted us to go to counselling. Initially I said I would consider it, but it then became clear that he wasn't that devastated as a week later he met the woman who would become his second wife!

It was the right thing to do (the split) and his new wife is the right person for him, a good step-mum to our child and if anything happened to me I would be reassured my child would be looked after. I also met my existing partner pretty quickly after the split (although we are having a few problems at the moment!), but I don't regret getting out of the marriage.

I would definitely recommend some counselling for yourself, whether that's for you to come to the conclusion that separating is the right thing to do, or for you to unpick what has happened and to give yourself some strategies in order to go forward with your life.

I feel in a very similar position @creampie
Emotionally checked out but a good man and dad
It's so blooming hard I don't know the answer but just wanted to let you know you are not alone
We are planning counselling wether this makes us stay together or separating easier I am hoping it helps xxx

I think you need to figure this out some more as divorce is a big step and you need to be sure you have tried everything or else could have regrets.

What are other areas of your life like?

Other areas are pretty good. Good career, nice kids, friends, a hobby. This just feels.... sort of empty in comparison. It wasn't always like this. We used to really gel, now it feels like going through the motions. Except I don't think I've really got the motivation to change things anymore 😞

I think I know deep down that I want to walk away. I just feel like an absolute bitch, and I'm worried I'll never stop feeling that way.

It wasn't for the kids, I think this would have come to a natural end a while ago. It's just deciding to make the final move that seems so so hard.

I like to be sure about the why's/how's/where's of everything before I make a decision, and there's just no way of knowing for sure which decision will be best for all of us

It feels like being 15 again, when you're hoping if you're just horrible enough, he'll dump you and save you the bother! Except clearly there's a lot more at stake this time, and I'm not sure he'd end it short of me doing something really unforgivable.

I want us to be better than that, and do things properly rather than just inevitably. I'm starting to think the thing ill regret most is not making a decision one way or the other, more than not making the wrong one. It's just this feels too huge to just go with gut instinct. I'm so confused......

What decided it for me was that I didn’t want our kids to grow up thinking this quiet boredom and lack of love was what adult relationships should look like. Ex-DP’s parents modelled that for him and he was incapable of a fully loving, emotionally involved relationship.

Also I was bloody miserable and sad and didn’t want that to be the rest of my life.

Try individual counselling if you need ‘permission’ to leave, or just a safe space to think it over?

Ex-DP tried being a shit for about three weeks but he’s basically a good man who loves his kids and he soon simmered down. You’ll know what your husband is capable of. Good luck

This is sooo me. I have finally drummed up the courage after a few years of should I, shouldn’t I? There’s nothing I can specifically put my finger on. I just don’t want to spend any time with him anymore and can’t see us growing old together. There are a few things in the past that I found fairly difficult to forgive but didn’t feel like they were enough to leave.

I told him I don’t want to do this. I have checked out, I did agree to counselling but really while he’s trying to make an effort I have realised I just don’t want to try any more. I had an individual session where the counsellor told me that as it sounded like I’d made my decision that there wasn’t much point continuing. I have realised that despite his efforts it’s really not making any difference. I told him this but he’s still acting like it’s not happening. I think I need to have a solid chat with him to really spell it out that it’s over.

TBH I feel like I’ve made the decision in both of our best interests as he can’t be happy in the current situation. We also have kids of a similar age to you op. I’m so stressed as I feel like we’re still in limbo. I know it’s going to get worse before it hopefully gets better. I think after the chat, I just need to start telling family to make it sink in.

He’s still talking about our planned holiday and I’m just thinking I’ll be going on my own with the kids and maybe him having them two weeks later. It’s tough. It sounds like you know it’s over. I Am hopeful of us parenting together well though. Good luck op.

Thank you. You too.

We need some kind of support group!