Thieving DSS - is there any coming back from this?

[MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw]

I had a thread recently about my 27 year old DSS stealing from me, and got lots of support and advice. It culminated in me having to throw him out.

I gave him a couple of deadlines and he didn’t leave, saying he had nowhere to go. I was hiding my purse and avoiding having cash in the house. Then I found that my 8 year old had £14 pocket money missing from her room - she only gets £1 a week (and then only when I remember to give it to her ). That was the last straw and I got a couple of friends round to help me insist DSS left.

It later emerged that he has a gambling addiction, had also stolen from my au pair and from my best friend’s dad when he visited. My home was my safe haven after leaving a violent relationship with my ex, DSS’s dad, and I absolutely hated feeling ill at ease and vulnerable at home. I couldn’t sleep at nights. It also infuriates me that I needed to get male friends (fantastic though they both were) to help me make DSS leave in the end, again that made me feel vulnerable.

That was a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t contacted DSS since. My question is, is this the end of the road for our relationship? I understand that he is damaged by his parenting, but he’s an adult now and had nothing but kindness from me. He absolutely betrayed my trust and also tried to use my DD, who adores him, to put emotional pressure on me to let him stay. Prior to that he had barely engaged with her, it was very manipulative.

I’d like your advice because I know I can cave too easily, and I’m not great yet at appropriate boundaries. You were all great (especially @haffdonga ) at advice on my last thread. What would it take to maintain a relationship with DSS, or should I draw a line? Thank you in advance.

Has he contacted you? Has he got help for his gambling addiction? Unfortunately there isnt much you can do for people with addiction until they want help. I also think a big question is do you still want a relationship with him? If you do perhaps start small, invite him round for tea once a week or something but make it clear the first time something goes missing (if it does) hes nailed his coffin and then distance yourself again. Although if hasnt sought help and has no plans to then I would draw a line as its not fair to have your dd around that imo.

I think you should leave things, let him get in contact with you when he wants to. He needs to seek help for his addiction but, until he recognises he has a problem, why would he?

Are you perhaps still seeing him as a young boy? At 27 he's a fully grown man, who knows exactly what he is doing.

27? Stealing from an 8 year old? If you want to send him a friendly text and meet for coffee sometimes then that’s fine, but he shouldn’t be in your and her home. He needs to stand on his own two feet and not mess with the poor girl’s head.

He hasn’t been in touch, and his dad says he intends to earn extra money by going to a casino so no recognition that gambling is an issue.

Thank you for your posts, I would like to leave it for now and leave the initiative with him so I’m reassured. I agree with Iwasjustabouttosatthat it’s too confusing and upsetting for DD and she’s my priority right now. Tough love I think.

His dad seriously thinks that his son will earn extra money by gambling? Seriously?

Sounds like they both have a problem, not just your DSS.

I'd give him some time. If you haven't heard from him in a couple of months you could text him but right now, he needs a break as much as you do so that he realises that he's going to have to make his own way.

Stealing from an 8 year old - disgusting.