What can be done to support estranged parent/narcissistic mother?

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

I am a friend of an estranged parent. Her golden child has seen the light, moved out and set up home with a relative

She has been exclusively and possessively close to one of her children (the golden child) and has been especially envious of, and threatened by, the child's growing independence - so I would think is a narcissistic mother.

It is like extreme empty next syndrome and her children are both on the verge of going non contact and police involvement has been threatened.

Am I wasting my time trying to help?

I've been trying to get her to cut back on the extreme behaviour but she just continues. She resents the boundaries being set and gleefully seems to ignore them. She is angry they are not doing what she wants them to do. She is stalking and harassing the golden child.

What should I be doing to help? I am completely clueless and shocked at the way my friend is behaving.

It's not a situation I've had to deal with, but if you're her friend you need to keep on reminding her that she may lose her DC altogether and that she may find herself in trouble with the law.

Depends what matters to her. Some very selfish people just don't believe the ordinary rules apply to them. She needs to be reminded that this is real life, that there are laws, that other people have the right to lead their own lives, and that she may find herself dealing with the consequences of her actions

Why are you friends with someone who stalks and harasses their own child to the point of police involvement?

Narcissists frequently put on a saintly or martyred act for their public. Sounds like her mask for you finally slipped.

As the child of a similar mother I would urge you to support the child and not the mother.

She really is not worthy of support. She is behaving horribly and she will probably never listen to you anyway.

I don't say that lightly btw. It must be very hard to watch this happen and she is your friend so you care about her. It is a sad situation, but any support you give will only be twisted into validation/justification by her.

You can support her by telling her that she is unreasonable and her children are right to do what they are doing

This will probably loose you the friendship but that’s what happens with a narc. They drop those who disagrees with them.

Daughter of narc here.

Agree with @Aussiebean and @sheepsheep - there is no telling a narc anything. They are never wrong and everything is about them. Accuse them and they become the shittiest martyr you have ever seen in your life. Support them and it's fuelling them to be worse.

I've found her a strong ally. She is a good leader and gets things done. I've found her very opinionated at times but decisive. She rubs people up the wrong way and can be difficult to work with.

Since her youngest child left home she has become impossible. I don't recognise her. She is not stupid but the way she is behaving shows no insight into anyone's feelings. She doesn't seem to understand her child has grown up and is an adult now.

How she's trying to dictate what her children can do is just so wrong but she can't see how controlling she is trying to be.

I saw her lying in wait for her daughter after work then insisting on walking her to her bus stop, going well out of her way to spend time with her daughter - who tried to ignore her then kept telling her to go home and leave her alone.

She's an adult not a school child - she doesn't need company on her way home from work!

A narc will never see how controlling they are, they are a lost cause you will never change them.
My mother is a narcissist, my father an enabler, my sister has no contact with them and i can only bare to visit her every couple of years.

My mother has dictated to me all my life, I don’t know how many times I have been apparently written out of her will, she gives me the silent treatment if I don’t do as she says, that’s all fine by me, I am not go to play mind games!

'A good leader and gets things done.' Great attributes for a boss, but irrelevant to a friendship I'd have thought. So, why are you really friends with her?

Agree you don't support her, you support her children.

Support her children, and let them know you understand and agree with their actions. You will never know how much your validation will mean to them, and they may well wrestling with horrendous feelings of guilt and stress. Some simple words of comfort will go a very very very long way.

I would completely ignore the issue as far as your friend goes, pretend it is not happening and talk about the weather if you want to remain friends. If she brings it up immediately change the subject. I doubt you can change her and you will just end up falling out. I would massively scale back spending time with someone like this, she is not a nice person.

It is a whole new side to someone that I thought I knew. We are involved through a hobby group and fundraising activities and her home life has never really come up - although her favouring one child over the other had been obvious.

Her way of thinking is just wrong.

It is really difficult, I do understand why you want to help her. People can be simultaneously aggressive narcissists and vulnerable people.

You'll need to tell her really firmly that she is wrong, that her behaviour will drive her children away, and that she has to make a choice.

For what it's worth, I don't think it is wrong of you to want to continue your friendship- but make sure you don't get drawn into enabling her, or become a flying monkey- used by her to nag and or manipulate her children.