SAHM finances

[Greekyoghurt83]

ok I am massively failing at being a SAHM and the finances. How do you manage your husband/wife if you are the stay at home parent and not working. My DH feels put upon and that he is working so hard and I am just spending. I really am not. We live in an expensive part of Surrey and have two DC. Not sure how to reduce the resentment building up in both of us. I feel like he is controlling the finances and not trusting me and he feels I spend too much ....

Incidentally we are more than confortable, think his attitude stems back to his parents frugal behaviour. Anyway just interested to hear other people's experience.

What does he think your spending it on?

Get yourself on EVERYTHING -bills, online accounts/banking

I’m sure you do the lions share being a SAHM- so offer to “pitch in” by offering to take over the finances

Get yourself clues up on deals etc- show him you have the time (even if you don’t)

Be smart, don’t make yourself vulnerable x

Who’s in control of the finances? Have you agreed a realistic budget?

I know a guy at work who’s incredibly disparaging about his SAH wife, bitching about her not earning etc and yet when we point out he’s not got the stress (or cost) of childcare issues, he brushes over it. The real issue is that he resents her because he hates his current job and feels trapped. He’s still an arse though.

Anyway, is there a deeper issue going on? I assume that you both agreed to make this arrangement - so what’s changed his mind....

Sit down together, work out monthly income and monthly bills/housing costs and estimate food shop and petrol costs.
Once you've done that you'll see what you're left with, then take off any extras you both usually have eg. Coffees, buying lunch out, and costs of days out with the children. See what should be left after that.
It might help make it clearer to him where the money is going, or to you that there should be more left over if your estimate is far off what's actually being spent.
Best to write it all down so its clearer.

We had a bit of this. We solved it with a long, serious talk, and the implementation of The Spreadsheet (capitals definitely merited) - which documented all income and outgoings, regular and otherwise, and was kept on a shared drive and updated in real time as we went along. It made both of us feel more in control, and more secure.

**What does he think you are spending it on? - it's so weird he goes through the bank statement every night and makes me feel on edge by asking me about every transactionbut then he is ok when I explain it. However I have an issue with having to explain it. Why can't he just trust me and not go through the statement every night - weirdo 🙄.

Yes coatsprotectionleague - you are so right! He is so difficult to deal with over money I let him do it all. But actually no longer, can't believe I have been so stupid actually!

A spreadsheet is a good idea. he is stressed with work at the moment, so think that is why he is being like this. Apart from this we do have a good relationship. We had this a bit before our wedding, he Has tendency to be a bit of a control freak and I am quite relaxed so not always a great combo. Some great ideas though, I think it's partly me as I have never really budgeted just keep a rough calculation in my head. I will make more of an effort to be on top of it all.

Sounds like he’s been taught to be this way.

If he’s great in every other way I’d be keen to prove that I am responsible with cash, incoming and outgoing and more proactive.

Save him the bother of going through the bank statements- go to him first with receipts of spending etc

If there are other control issues I’d be wary and consider going back to work (knowing what I do now)

Yeah it's learnt behaviour definitely, won't go into his parents relationship! He recognises it too and definitely not controlling in other ways. Yes instead of moaning about it, I guess I just need to be proactive. Great advice.

Definitely take over the finances. You’re probably doing more of the household spending anyway. You need to sit down with him and work out some saving goals eg £1000 per month towards emergency fund, £500 to holiday fund, £800 to ISAs (you should both have one) etc. Work out your fixed bills and child related costs (don’t forget insurances) and set that aside. Then I think any remainder should be split between you to either spend or save as you wish, no questions asked.

I’m not a sahm but we split our finances as above, we don’t care who brings in what as we share everything.

I should add that I spend my money on Chanel handbags and DH spends his on buying shares. Priorities

I'm a sahm too. I went back to work part time after my first child but gave up work to be a sahm after my second. Since then, finances have caused a massive amount if arguments between me and my husband. I think for us it is partly that he resents me being at home as he would like to be a sahd (he sees it as sitting around watching TV and drinking tea all day) and he is generally very controlling with money (his parents had lots of money worries when he was young so I think it stems from that also).

To try to reduce the arguments I set up a spreadsheet showing all income and outgoings so he could see tjat he in theory should have a good amount left each month (and I have nothing left after paying for stuff for the kids etc.) and that I am not spending anything on myself or non essentials. I have taken over management of money from the joint account and frequently switch energy suppliers, deal with the mortgage etc. but I don't know exactly what his income is anymore as he has been very secretive about his pay rises. I take a set amount for food shopping from the joint account each month and have to budget and meal plan.

Unfortunately we don't have a partnership when it comes to finances as he is so secretive about money and if I ask for any money (other than for food shop) I get moaned at and lectured about the value of money. I can't wait to get back to work part time to regain a bit of financial independence.

I'm a SAHM and a Home Educator, the latter for the past year. We have a general loose rule of anything over £100 we discuss but I'd be honest and say it's more like £200. Ie I bought a leaf blower the other week without consulting DH. I am the one who knows what all our outgoings are and I handle all the bills. He has never questioned what I spend and money has always been ours. He has never made me feel beholden to him. I am very grateful that he earns enough that we can have the life we do. He in turn appreciates the fact that I manage the rest of our lives. We are a team. Get clued up on what the money goes on and make it clear you are enabling his life choices. A spread sheet sounds like a good starting point.

You sound very like me and my dh - one far more prone to financial stress than the other, and feeling the need to Control All The Things as a result. But a genuinely decent person.

DH was highly abashed at our little talk, and actually called himself controlling as a result, unprompted. Most importantly of all though, he changed his ways -as did I, by stepping up more and taking the pressure off him. That's the most important thing imo - recognising the issue and being genuinely committed to being an equal partnership. It can't work, otherwise.

Money saving expert has a very thorough budget planner spreadsheet to help you get started. You need to be really thorough to make sure it’s a realistic reflection of your outgoings.

I do one every year to show dh and suggest an amount to aim for in savings based on it.

We both work but our incomes are quite different so I think it helps us both know where we are.

Is it a joint choice for you to be a SAHM? If so, then agree with all the comments here about setting budgets - and getting some child care costs to show the extra money and hassle you are saving.

If your current setup wasnt a joint decision, then that's a separate discussion. Having been an SAHM myself too, it wasn't until the situation flipped and I became the breadwinner that I realised how massively stressful it was to be financially responsible for so many people, unless it's what you really want.

I have 2 money jars one for food shopping and one for fun stuff although I'm a single mum so a bit different circumstances but here's what id do.
Agree an amount between you that is reasonable to spend on day to day life (taking the kids out, coffee money things like that). Hes not allowed to question where the money goes and your not allowed to spend more than in the jar without discussing it first.

I can understand how he feels if he is stressed at work. OH and I don't share finances and I certainly wouldn't want to. I feel that I work purely for the money and therefore to use it for things that will make me feel good, in my case, holidays. I am therefore very frugal with every day spend and yes, if my OH wasn't at home, I would struggle with the idea that he spent on things that made his every day life better whilst it meant less money left over to enjoy things that make me happier.

Totally agree about the spreadsheet. Looking at what you spend every day, even every week is ridiculous. You should agree on what you both believe to be a reasonable budget for food, clothes, kids entertainment etc... and agree on what you should aim to put aside at the end of each month for luxuries. Then both of you can review your budget if you find it hard to stick to.

He goes through every single transaction every day?? Yeah that would annoy me.

That’s ridiculous - you need a frank chat with him about trust among other things.