Midlife crisis?

[Covermeinglitter]

I know this has come up time and time again but I need some advice as I feel as if I’m going mad. My husband hasn’t been the same since he hit 40, 4 years ago. Our marriage has been up and down since then but recently I’ve been feeling as if it’s never going to get better as he won’t admit he has issues. He has no patience with our 2 eldest daughters who are in their early teens. They’re not angels but they’re kids and some of the things he flies off the handle over are just ridiculous. I get no support with the chronic critical illness I have and he actually compares it to his hay fever. Something I find unbelievable. Hes made comments about how he’d support me more if I did this/didn’t do that. He’s fine one minute and then his suddenly mood changes. I’m constantly looking for reasons to explain his behaviour. Doesn’t he love me? Doesn’t he want to be here anymore? Is there someone else? I just don’t know anymore. I’ve asked him if he loves me and he seemed surprised I asked. I can’t do much right in his eyes. He turns a lot of things round to me if I try and talk to him. ‘Well I wouldn’t do xxx if you didn’t do xxx’ etc I could go on. I tried to talk to him at the weekend and that resulted in him throwing the tv remote across the room and screaming ‘what are you going on about?! He shouted a bit too close to my face last night while he was ranting, as our eldest hadn’t tidied her room or turned her tv off. He’s obsessed with playing a certain game in his iPad and I’ve come so close to smashing it up more than once. I feel as if I’m married to a child. If he looks after the girls when I’m poorly he expects praise and acts like he’s done me a favour. They’re his kids too!! I guess I feel as if I’m banging my head against a brick wall as he cannot see he has any issues. I’m so worried about that affect this is having on my girls. Any advice would be appreciated. TIA

Why are you together at all now?.

What do you get out of this relationship still, what is keeping you with your manchild of a H now?. He may be 44 now but it may well be that he has always felt entitled within your relationship to treat you with contempt. Stop with looking for reasons to explain his behaviour; how much of this is really due to him being a complete arse?. You cannot change him and he will not change. You can only change how you react to him and you can only help your own self ultimately.

Is this really the relationship model you still want to show them?.

As for your DDs what do you want to teach them about relationships?. What are they learning here from their dad and you as their mother?. How would you feel if they were treated the self same by their respective partners?. You would not be happy but you are showing them that currently at least this is acceptable to you on some level. If its not good enough for them, its not good enough for you either. Your H is emotionally abusive and only cares about his own self.

This is what I needed to hear. All of it. Thank you

Hey. My hubby was similar.. a lot of unresolved childhood issues came out and he didn't know how to deal with them. I would advise sitting down to talk and possibly offering an ultimatum. I know it can fall on deaf ears but you deserve to be treated with respect. My ex wouldn't resolve his issues, wouldn't have counseling and ended up running off with a passport grabber/gold digger from work. He left me with two girls, 14 and 6 and they were distraught. I tried to repair the relationship though, I did all I could (mainly for the girls sake) but he refused and thought all his prayers would be answered with this other scraggy bint. (He's not happy now) I've remarried and am happy but I dearly wish I could have sorted things with him. My girls miss him desperately and it's deeply affected them.

So do all you can to repair the relationship before you take any drastic action. You don't want to have any regrets where the girls are concerned.

Worst comes to worst, you can move on with a clean conscience... :-)

PS. I'm speaking as a counselor here. Men are ATROCIOUS at dealing with their own emotional issues. If he's only been like this recently in your relationship, then I would definitely suggest counseling for him, there's something going on with him. Either that or Relate is very good, worth a try if you want to get the man you originally fell in love with back!

I told him only the other week that I’d rather split up than live like this. It made a difference for a couple of weeks and now we’re back where we always are

He won’t consider counselling or relate. I’ve mentioned it before

I hear that a lot from women in a similar situation. If you argue a lot, maybe write a letter or email to him? I find that helped when me and my Ex were arguing constantly. It's a good way to get your point across clearly and you can reread and check it before you send.

If he's been like this for a while, it may be ultimatum time. Relate can really help, one to one sessions are available and can help get to the root of what's going on in his daft man brain