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Original poster

Should I be “over it” by now?

13 replies

KingKongNoWrong · 27/06/2018 12:20

XP left three months ago.
He left behind a loving partner of 5 years and two small children.
His reason for leaving is that he can’t get past the problems in our relationship. He doesn’t want to work on it.
It should be getting better by now.
What can I do.

OP posts:
arranfan · 27/06/2018 12:29

Cliched tho' it is, there's a lot to the phrase, "Don't should on yourself".

Nobody can say how long it takes to recover from this sort of experience.

Did you try relationship counselling together or individual counselling for both of you?

Where is he living? Is he visiting the children and parenting them?

Are you fully separated, financially, socially etc. (e.g., do people know you're no longer a couple)? For your DC, do the schools know that ExP is no longer resident and might need separate school notices sent to him? Is there a maintenance schedule and an agreed parenting schedule?

c3pu · 27/06/2018 12:31

Three months is still quite soon to be "over" a break up, especially if you were still very much in love and willing to work at the relationship.

As for stuff you can do to help get over it... Set up and maintain appropriate boundaries with the ex, keep contact with him to a bear minimum, keep yourself busy with hobbies and interests, and when you feel ready go on a few dates! You'll get there eventually.

Original poster
KingKongNoWrong · 27/06/2018 12:32

No, he doesn’t want to talk to me. He wants a clean break from us all.
He is living with his mum, he pays maintenance and sees them one midweek and EOW.
Yes, everyone knows he’s left.
I’m in denial, I think. I don’t know what I have done to deserve this.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 27/06/2018 12:38

Sounds like he's very young and immature. Hope you've got family to support you (and try to include MIL if you can. She probably loves her dgc). She could be very helpful.

chemicalworld · 27/06/2018 12:39

No should about it. You need time, good friends and support. Give yourself a break and let yourself grieve. It's a loss and its perfectly ok to feel hurt and cheated by it.

Original poster
KingKongNoWrong · 27/06/2018 13:09

Every day that goes by, I cry at the thought of us being so worthless to him.

OP posts:
arranfan · 27/06/2018 13:18

You know this but to state the obvious:

the fact that it seems as if you and the children are worthless to him speaks volumes about him and says nothing about you and the DC;

it's unlikely that 'he thinks you deserve this' - this probably is one of those times in life when it really is all about him and how he feels and he is prioritising that;

you're grieving not only for the life you had together but for the future you and your DC now won't have with him;

emotional pain can be far worse than physical pain because of the damage it inflicts on our self-esteem and long-term mental health.

How are your DC coping? Were they OK with your explanation?

cakecakecheese · 27/06/2018 13:20

3 months is still early days so it's natural that it still hurts. Please stop thinking that it's you and your children being 'worthless', that's not true at all. As the others have said allow yourself time to grieve, if you rush into being 'over it' you're just ignoring feelings that will resurface. Be kind to yourself.

chemicalworld · 27/06/2018 13:30

I would definitely seek counselling OP. Feeling worthless is awful, i've been there myself and it sounds like you need to build up your self esteem and worth. xx

Original poster
KingKongNoWrong · 27/06/2018 13:32

Oldest DC doesn’t understand if he loves us why he isnt here. How can I answer that question verbally instead of just a cuddle?
Youngest DC looks confused everytime they’re taken away from home.

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 27/06/2018 13:47

How old are they OP?

You need to be able to sit down with them and tell them something age appropriate, and I know it is hard but you have to swallow your own feelings.

It is so important for the DC to feel loved by both of you, but you need to explain that Daddy and Mummy need to live apart now but that is has nothing to do with them.

Original poster
KingKongNoWrong · 27/06/2018 14:37

They’re 5 and 2 Sad

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2018 15:15

It's crap OP.
Truly truly crap.
And there is not time limit.
Certainly 3 months is not very long at all.
Putting pressure on yourself to 'be better' is not going to help. So stop doing that.
You'll get there when you get there.
Whether that is next month or next year is not something you can possibly know right now.
But keep busy.
Plan things for the weekends you don't have the DC.
Join a club on the night you don't have the DC.
Get friends round. Join a gym.
The busier you can keep yourself, the better.
In a couple of months time, if you are still struggling then counselling might help?
But after 15 years with my ExH it took me a good year to start to feel like myself again.
Take each day at a time!

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