Abusive relationship - need help leaving

[Tylerschair]

I’m writing this on behalf of my friend as she desperately needs your advice.

She has been trapped with an abusive partner (not married) for 12+ years. They have 2 DC under 10. His controlling and abusive behaviour started early on and has gradually got worse over the years. Examples include:

Telling her what to wear
Making it difficult for her to see friends to the point where most have given up
Trying to keep her away from her family
Devising ways of keeping her at home ie taking the car, ‘accidentally’ locking her in
Constantly phoning her to check up on her
Insisting she and the DC see a female GP, even if a male GP can see her/them sooner
Accusing her of having affairs
Accusing her of looking at other men
Getting angry at her if completely random men so much as look in her general direction
Coming home unexpectedly to “catch her out” several times a day
Refusing to put her name on the mortgage or joint business
Damaging her possessions
Hitting her (leaves bruises)
Demanding sex
Heavy drinking
Verbally abusive towards her in front of the DC
Repeated cheating
Violent rages
Gaslighting

Up until recently she had planned to stick it out until the DC were older but the abuse has escalated to the point where the school are picking up on DC’s behaviour which has been learnt from their dad. It is also affecting their health – physically and emotionally. She is worried sick that if the school are aware of the background they will contact Social Services and the children will be taken away.

She has contacted Women’s Aid but she can’t risk a call back from them as her partner interrogates any incoming phone calls if he’s around.

She contacted the police recently after he hit her but they kept on phoning her to arrange a statement which caused problems. She did not want to press charges and was told there is nothing more they can do. She has been taking photos as evidence.

I’ve also advised she see a solicitor but she finds it hard to leave the house if she doesn’t have DC in tow.

He is a violent, narcissistic bully and has previously spent time in prison for a serious violent offence (which she was not aware of when they first got together). He has told her that if she leaves him he will find her and take the children which has prevented her from doing anything. In 99% of abuse cases this may be just an empty threat to exert control but he is violent, has a history of violence and my friend is petrified of what he is capable of.

She could take the DC and live with an elderly relative but she’s worried he will follow her there and damage the property and/or hurt someone. She would also have to just leave everything – the house, their joint business – and is worried about income and uprooting the DC. Her family have offered her money to flee to another country and start a whole new life as he would not be eligible for a visa due to his criminal record but he’s told her if he can’t find her he’ll find someone who will, so she’d just be living in fear and away from her family.

She is desperate to leave him but won’t go unless she knows her she and her DC will be safe and there is no risk of losing them to him or Social Services. He's very manipulative and charming when he wants to be so she's worried he'll explain away any evidence she has and pull the wool over everyone's eyes. He works (joint business) and she is the primary carer (plus helps running the business) – he rarely looks after the children on his own and given his background there is no way a judge would award him full custody, but she is still terrified he would just take them on a weekend visit and disappear.

I suppose I’m asking for advice on what she should do, what evidence does she need, should she involve the school and Social Services or could it make matters worse, what powers do the police/courts have, if he ignores a court order what would happen?

I will send her the link to this thread so she can read your responses but please note that she won't be able to respond and I don't know all the details to answer any questions. Also, if you have been in a similar situation and managed to leave and move on to a better life I’m sure a positive outcome would offer some reassurance.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading. Any support and advice you can give will be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.

I work in the DV sector so may be able to help. The NDVH (women's aid/refuge phone number) are VERY careful about callbacks and if she leaves a message she can request a time for them to call her (doesn't necessarily have to be her phone that is used - maybe you can help?). That said, they only go to voicemail when they're really busy, so if she can keep trying she should get through to someone. They tend to be less busy during the working day.

If she can get through to the NDVH, they can help her find a refuge space there and then so she can leave that day with the children. The refuge will go through tech abuse etc so he will be unlikely to be able to trace her to the refuge. If she can call as early in the day as possible, she will have the best choice of refuge spaces.

As she is a victim of abuse, she is legally homeless, and will be able to apply for certain benefits. The refuge can help with this, and also they can talk her through Non-mol orders, Go orders, statement to police etc.

It's massively, highly unlikely he'd be able to take the children - this is something all abusers come out with. Again NDVL will help reassure her about this. She could also call the Rights of Women who will outline the legal stuff for her.

Just to add - it's really advisable for her to keep trying the NDVH as the call record can form part of her evidence against him. She needs three pieces of evidence to apply for things like legal aid - she already has a crime number presumably, she probably has had a letter from IDVA which can be used too, and with the call record from NDVH that's the three pieces. If she's worried about him manipulating her evidence, having as many bits as possible especially from third parties will be helpful. They can also look at bank statements etc for evidence of the financial abuse. It's unlikely he'll be able to write everything off, and however charming he may be, he has a criminal record and agencies know this makes him far higher risk than otherwise.

Does she have any family who she can go to?
And although she thinks SS will take her DC away, as long as she is willing to leave they won't do that and they can help her leave.
She needs out right now.
Just with the clothes on her back if necessary.
Womens Aid really her best option if she has no-where to go.
She could also walk into her local police station and ask for the DV team and they can help as well.

Thank you all for your advice - she really does need to keep trying Women's Aid.

Greypaw - unfortunately we don't live in the same county otherwise I could arrange for a call back on my phone. It's good advice though and hopefully there is someone more local she can ask. Her partner has made it very difficult for her to maintain any friendships though - we only communicate when she's on the school run.

Yes, he seems to be following the abusers handbook, doesn't he. As you've said she may read this thread, can I just say that his behaviour is appalling, he is committing a criminal offence and there are definitely ways for her to leave safely. The helpline will help with safety planning.

As for positive stories, I know loads of women who have come out the other side of this - some women grab the one hour in the week their abuser leaves them alone to call the helpline, get a refuge space and get out of the house. Some go to the GP or local church and call from there. Women can be amazingly resourceful, and once they've got out of the home and into a refuge they can spend several months there using all the facilities and help they need to get themselves back on their feet.

As for him taking the children away - if she leaves he will only have contact if she allows it or if there is a court order. For there to be a court order, he would have to make an application to the court. It's really hard to say how that would go, but I would hazard a guess that supervised contact would be more likely than unsupervised, particularly bearing in mind his criminal record for violence.

As for the house, business etc - again there may be proof that she has some entitlement to those things. I'm sure he's telling her she hasn't, but there are some circumstances in which she might. Again NDVH or Rights of Women would be able to talk this one through.

@hellsbellsmelons She does have family she could go to but she's worried he will turn up at the house and cause problems and she doesn't want to put them through that.

@Greypaw Her family have witnessed his controlling and manipulative ways so would be able to provide third party evidence. It puts them in a vulnerable situation though as he knows where they live. They are already worried about their safety as he will go to great lengths to stop her seeing them. One family member won't park the car near the house when she visits in case he comes back unexpectedly and tampers with it.

She definitely needs to talk to Womens Aid especially about financial rights etc given they aren't married.

I can only comment on my experiences, but as scary as it was getting my STBXH convicted was the best thing I could have done. He couldn't contact me when he was on bail and then I got a restraining order once he was convicted. When he breached it the police were all over it (long story attached to that though).

It also means that other women invoking Clare's law can be alterted to his past behaviour.

SS and the DC school were very supportive. I had previously had no involvement with them whatsoever or safeguarding referrals etc. I had been terrified that my DC would be removed from me.