I'm not sure if this is the right place for this sort of thing, if it's not, please let me know and I'll repost elsewhere. Name changed for this because it's incredibly outing. I don't know if it's just that I need to talk to someone, or if any of you lovely lot can actually help, but I'm just totally lost.
DH didn't have an easy childhood. Both parents had numerous affairs, separating when he was around 8. His mother went totally off the rails, bringing random blokes home and shagging them in the same room as him. His dad started a new family, and lost all interest in his existing children. He has major abandonment issues, that only seem to show up in time of stress. As soon as something major happens, he'll start chatting up someone online. When I was miscarrying, he was talking to a lap dancer. When we got married, he was flirting with an old friend. I 100% believe it was nothing physical, and I know he still feels incredibly guilty years later. I've worked hard to forgive him, but he can't seem to forgive himself.
A few months ago, he opened up to me about something he hadn't realised was abuse. His mother couldn't 'deal with him' so between 13-15 he was sent to boarding school which I was already aware of. I don't want to go into detail and risk upsetting anyone, but while there he experiences things that were certainly sexual abuse. He's blacked a lot of stuff out. I'm devastated for him. Every trusted adult has made him feel unwanted, inferior, and not good enough. What happened explains so much about why he is the way he is as an adult. There's a support board for others that went to the school, but he's scared to reach out and doesn't want to put his name out there.
Since this, he's been withdrawn, tearful, not sleeping... and just really down on himself. Last night he was crying until the early hours, telling me about how worthless he feels and how he's achieved nothing with his life, just like they all expected him to. I'm devastated for him, and so angry on his behalf.
But he won't seek help. He's lovely, intelligent, and an amazing father to our son. He's a great husband. But he can't see any of that. He's so adamant that everything he's been bought up to believe about himself is true, and his self esteem is at rock bottom.
I'm just lost. I don't know what I can do to help or support him through this. He says he's ashamed, he won't see a doctor, and doesn't want it on his notes. I've told him he has nothing to be ashamed of, that none of this is his fault, but I know I can't force him to believe that. He's tried counselling before, but he won't consider it again.
I feel so selfish posting this. But I can't do this on my own. I'm trying to hold it together, but I don't know how anymore.