Why do exs contact you out of the blue?

[Cattenberg]

Years ago, I had a "hi, how are you?" email from an ex, four years after we'd last spoken. He said he was now living in China. We chatted briefly, then he said he had to get back to work. We've had no contact since. Not sure what the point of that was.

More recently, I dated another guy who was very unreliable. After we split up, I tried unsuccessfully to get him to return an item I'd lent him. It wasn't worth much, but it had some sentimental value. One time, he arranged to come round to my flat to return it, then cancelled on me FOUR MINUTES before he was supposed to arrive. I gave up soon after that.

Nearly two years later, he has just emailed me offering to return the item and has asked me out to dinner. I told him I'd still like the item back, but that unfortunately, I can't have dinner with him.

Both relationships fizzled out, partly because these men lost interest in me, so I'm not sure what could have changed since I last saw them.
Has an ex ever contacted you out of the blue? Did you understand the reason?

Yes.

I just ignore them, tbh. I find it impossible to discern their reasons, so I don't respond. Watching with interest.

I've only had one ex not do this. I don't really care why because what is done is done.

Yes it’s happened to me too. A random message two years after we broke up. The break up wasn’t even 100% amicable (he wanted out) so really not sure why he thought he should contact me.

Ego - they like to think you’re still pining for them. Most likely they’ve broken up with someone and have a romantic vision of the ex falling into their arms.

I don't think it is ego on the most part. I sometimes genuinely wonder how my exes are getting on in life but I wouldn't dream of messaging them lol

Yes. Three times same ex. Twice drunk. First time was a standard I want you back after 6 months NC. He didnt know I knew he had a new partner. I reminded him. Second time was night before his wedding. Even contacted my mum to tell me to pick my phone up! No idea what he wanted. Third time was an accidental message because (I assume) he had been Facebook stalking me. That one was funny...almost felt sorry for the wee fucker.

My conclusion? Boredom. Just chancing their arm. Its offensive they think so little of us as to believe we would be remotely interested in their lives...

And I chucked him out in the middle of the night and never saw him again so it was not amicable!

Why do ex's contact you out of the blue?

Because they fancy their chance at a shag..

I dunno. I had an ex send me a random emoji message out of the blue on facebook, having not heard from him for about four years (and we split up nearly 20yrs ago). I don't really do facebook these days, so he wouldn't know what I've been up to for the last few years.

I replied saying 'well, that's delightfully strange, you weirdo.' And got the sweetest message back saying 'For some reason, you came into my mind, and it made me happy to think you are still around in the world, and almost certainly the same person I knew all those years ago, and your reply confirmed that. It didn't work out for us, but I just wanted to let you know that when I think of you, it's for good reasons, and I smile.'

Absolutely no chance of any reunion shag or reconciliation (we live on different continents), it was just nice to hear from him, and to be reminded that we had good times together.

But yeah, mostly it is about a shag.

I had a facebook message of an ex, 8 years after we split due to his cheating. It was an apology for the way he'd treated me blah blah blah.
After a few short clicks I found a pic of the one he left me for looking very happy with her new baby and the bloke she'd been cheating on him with.

Karma is a bitch. I just blocked the dickhead.

Ego, boredom, booty call I've found. Ignore.

Sex

I got at least 4 separate attempts at contact from ExH across the space of about 4 years.

Most were a longish email talking about old times and not losing a valuable friendship blah blah (he cheated on me repeatedly with my friend, hardly something I wanted to reminisce about). I know he should have been up to his eyeballs in newborn nappies at the time of one of them so no idea why he thought of me.

While his DP was pregnant he had called me at work and said something about the door to us never being closed from his point of view. He insisted she had a close friendship with her ex and understood (ha!). I told him to bugger off, and did to each email too. Never really knew what he wanted but didn't want to get sucked into his agenda to find out. They've dried up now.

I am curious about him, but only in the same nosey way I am for everyone I've ever known. Not risking a facebook add for anything though!

Your one sounds nice sadeyedlady.

The first ex couldn't have been after sex as he was on a different continent. Boredom perhaps?

I suspect the email I've just had might have been code for "I've split up with my girlfriend and want a shag".

I should have ignored them both, but I'm not very good at that. I think the more recent ex will have been shocked to learn that I've had a baby since he last saw me - he seemed to think my life had stood still and we could pick up where we left off. For many reasons - NO!

Curiosity? Loneliness? Reminiscing?

And yeah, ego, karma, booty calls. All sorts of reasons really. I don't reply.

Sex.
I had an ex from twenty years ago walk into my life and want to take up where we last left off. We're both married so he was after an affair.

Sex.