How do I deal with DH changing after an injury

[limegreentricky]

I'll try and keep this brief.

DH had an accident that has resulted in injury in his arm and leg. He's had several tests and luckily there is no damage however he is still badly affected and is unable to do the things he used to be able to. As he was previously very active this has affected him badly and the injury has resulted in him feeling sensations every minute of the day in his arm and leg.

He's on various medication for this including anti depressants as he has since become very depressed as a result of this.

He was the most laid back person before and now he's irritable and depressed.

We have 2 young kids and haven't been married long. He keeps saying this isn't what I signed up for.

There are no concerns over our marriage, I'm in it for the long haul but I'm feeling a bit lost and overwhelmed. I just want my husband back.

Does anyone have any experience or advice?

Shit situation. Try to think about this as an adjustment process that will gradually move on one week, one month, one year at a time - with his doctors he needs to get to the best place he can with managing his condition and pain; then he needs to learn how to live his life with it. He will need to develop coping mechanisms and other roles and interests, but it won’t be apparent to either of you what these will be just yet. Wherever you are in a years time it will not be where you are now. Build your support network too - you will need them.

How long has it been since the accident? Maybe not long?

It sounds like he has become depressed. Its understandable. From being fully functional and leading a normal ,presumably happy life, he has suddenly been stricken and faced with disability. He will be worried if he will ever return to normality. Hes vulnerable. Will he work,will he continue to be a good father/husband ?

Time is a great healer and hopefully he will heal. Communication is the key.

It's been just over a year now. And as the time has gone past the more difficult it has become because it hasn't got any better. Definitely worse.

He can't take time off work because he doesn't get paid. I'm currently off work with stress through it all. I do get paid.

Unfortunately, this is what you signed up for. I too got stuck with the worse, the poorer and the sickness options after my marriage vows. Life is very shit but think about it the other way round, you wouldn't expect him to bail out when things got tough through no fault of your own would you?

We went through something very similar - in 2010 I had an accident which severely damaged my arm. Over the next year I had 5 surgeries, many hours of physio and a lot of issues as it didn't get better. Shortly after surgery 5, dh had a total breakdown and was off work for a year with the stress of it all (looking after me and ds who was 4, wondering what would happen with my work, his work etc).
Its been a hard haul, I won't lie - adjusting to my new world of chronic pain (I have CRPS), body image, and just not being able to do what I did before has been tough and I've cried a lot. Even now, people give it all the 'oh, you're so inspirational, you don't let it stop you' and I want to scream at them about how I have to get people to cut my food up, how I was stranded at an airport when the booked adapted hire car wasn't there, and how it hurts 24/7 no matter what I do.
I found getting some online counselling really helped me adapt, and it fitted round work

No, I wouldn't expect him to bail if this had happened to me. Bailing hasn't crossed my mind.

I just don't know how to cope with it. To support him and look after myself at the same time. And deal with the fact this is hugely different to what we'd planned for our life together.

My experience is not the same but it may help. My DH became terminally ill. We had no way of knowing how or when he would deteriorate. So we focused on our love for each other and DC.

All the crap just disappeared. We no longer bickered over silly stuff. You and your DH will navigate your way through this together by being as loving as you can be. Sometimes things are shit. That's when taking care of each other is so important.

Sensations? Or pain?
What are the obstacles to him doing the things he used to do? Is it actual injury that has stopped him being active, or ptsd/ depression connected with the accident?
(I ask because I am quite involved with military veterans - a lot of things can improve mental-health-wise if you can eliminate some of the barriers to activity. Dh got blown up 17 years ago and he found it very hard to suddenly have his activities curtailed.)

Thanks for everyone's replies. I haven't really spoken much to anyone about in RL.

@blackdoggotmytongueagain it's sensations/weakness. He does have pain on occasion when he over exerts himself. He says it's like a constant buzzing/tingling up his arm and leg that's exacerbated when he uses them which is obviously all the time.

I have been pushing for him to ask the GP for a counselling referral but he keeps "forgetting" when he goes. He's got another appt tomorrow and has said he will.

Has he become addicted to pain meds accidentally?

No he's not on pain meds. He occasionally take ibuprofen. Other than that it's antidepressants and pregabalin.

Have you had any contact with potential support networks for people going through similar issues? I am thinking of carer groups for you and something akin to the injured veterans groups for your DH. Your support needs are individual and it does sound like both of you have just been coping and trying to carry on but not addressed the fundamental issues that you’re having to deal with. Sharing your experience and knowing that how you’re feeling is normal can help immensely. When we were faced with a brain tumour and a subsequent bereavement we had support through two charities, which made a lot of difference. It’s so easy to feel isolated and like nothing will get better - it will but you both clearly need help to work out how to get there.

@Rainbowshine This is something I'm going to look into, thank you.