I married a pretty great guy a few months ago. I come from a traditional Indian family and we met through the typically arranged way. We chose to marry after a few initial meetings. I didn’t know the family too well, but they seemed nice and I was actually pretty happy with the choice.
My parent’s and my husband’s parents paid for our wedding- literally everything. But that was also because the entire wedding was their choice. I did not choose decorations, venue, dresses- nothing. We actually wanted to have something small, but my husband’s family said it wasn’t possible. So I let them do what they want. However, I did invite 10 of my closest friend’s to the wedding.
Fast forward 2 weeks after the wedding, I am living at my In-laws home. I wasn’t forced (it was my decision in the end, and my husband really wasn’t interested at first, he liked living as an independent adult) but his parents offered and we figured it was a good way for me to get to know the family and save up for a few months until I knew what schools I would get into (which state, etc.).
I guess I was confused the day we were opening our wedding gifts. My mother-in-law wanted to sit and be a part of the whole affair. It wasn’t exactly fun, I just sat on the side as she opened envelopes and handed us money. Some she put aside, saying it was ment for her.
My husband and I cash in whatever we received from our wedding. A few weeks later, he says he has to give half of the money received to his mother. We argued, but in the end I didn’t care enough to fight about it.
A month later, I find out that my husband is sending money to his mother to pay off his credit card. We’re pretty young, so I didn’t think much of it. I actually told him to just pay it off in full if we can. But later, I found out that she barely pays the minimum monthly, and I’m not sure what happens to the rest of the money he sends. And also, she had opened 2 cards under his name when he was younger, and he didn’t want to close them because she still used them sometimes.
Sometimes, he has paid for Indian clothes for her ($200-$1000 worth) about 2–3 times since we’ve been married. On her birthday, I bought her clothes and makeup (Her sister had told us what makeup she uses) as a joint gift from my husband and myself. She was upset that he hadn’t given her something separately, and told us not to bother getting her gifts. She said she just wanted money. For mother’s day, she wanted the same. She asked for $800 (birthday and mother’s day) which we provided. Later, she was upset she didn’t receive a card as well.
Throughout this, she has asked us for money/loans, and my husband and I have fought. But we have not given her anything. His family is very well off. They have a large 7 bedroom house, fully furnished basement, etc. I was very confused to why she wanted money when they were spending on clothes, etc.
But that aside,
My mother in law is nice, but all of this is a source of tension. She has told me on multiple occasions to tell my husband to send her money when she asks (in fact, she says it is better if we send more).
When I first moved in, my husbands grandparents/uncles also were in the house. I made breakfast a few times, I would make them coffee, sometimes I did the laundry I saw, or cleaned. I started making my husband lunches so I began making his brother’s lunches as well. However, soon it all became a bit difficult. I was working (since the day I moved in) and would not be back until the late evening. I left early in the morning to drop my husband off (we shared a car). I admit I got a bit tired. I would sleep in on the weekends and she would message/call because everyone was waiting for me to make breakfast. I stopped making lunches (barely packing leftovers for my husband which my own mother would send us) and she asked why I wasn’t making her children food.
My mother-in-law began telling me to do more work. She has asked that I clean the kitchen, do the dishes, cook, buy groceries for the household, etc. And I admit I did not always do that, but I did try a few times. But it was hard to buy groceries everyone wanted to in the large household by myself.
When I had time off, I would spend 3–5 hours buying grocery supplies (No one bought groceries, household supplies; and when I went everyone had something they wanted). When it came to cooking, she once gave me a bowl of raw chicken and told me to make something. I told her I didn’t know any Indian dishes but she said to make due. Another day, she left my 10 year old brother-in-law and his 4 friends, of whom I did not realize were over, in my care telling me to make them dinner because she was going out that afternoon and may not be back. She has asked me to pick things/people up when I went out with my family (which I don’t do often). She went on vacation with the rest of the family, my husband and I were offered but we could not because of work commitments, she messaged me to clean the kitchen (each time) because they had made messes and there were stains. It’s not that I don’t mind doing these things, however, she has never once asked if I had anything planned (I did), or if it would be difficult (driving an hour in another direction can be tiring), or if I needed help. My husband and I would argue because he wanted to spend time with me but it took me time to complete all the work, I only had time when I did not have work. I wanted to finish my education so I began studying, but she would get upset that my husband and I would not spend time downstairs with everyone (we got home late, and tried to study).
We did not have weekends free because her family threw many parties, many to congratulate us on our wedding. If we denied, she would get upset and tell us to be grateful. If my husband did not want to go to something, she said it was my duty to go with her (without him). I once got tired and accidentally took a nap one afternoon and missed a party, she got very upset at me. She started taking me to the side and telling me to do more work happily for the family.
I went to my mother’s house for my brother’s birthday (my husband and the other kids) she got upset I didn’t call her to invite her personally through my phone (we told her to come before we had gone, my brother-in-law called to ask if she wanted to come, and my parents texted her as well ). It wasn’t a large, planned event; it was very spontaneous and I had only known what the plan was that day as well.
My mother sent food occasionally (for my entire in-law family). Sometimes, she would send just a bit for my husband and I (I love her cooking, and my mother in law does not like to cook, they usually order out and the food from the location they order from does not sit well with my stomach). She has gotten upset and commented on not bringing food for everyone. I tried to hide it in my room after that. We stopped coming downstairs, I manage to fix things for my husband without leaving our room (we got a mini fridge, separate groceries - so I wouldn’t use everyone’s groceries or make a mess), and she got upset. She wanted me to start planning more family events and organize things. I decorated and set up birthdays, a party, and a graduation myself.
She sends messages to my husband that are rude. About how we don’t respect her, we give her stress. She complains that we don’t answer her calls/texts (and sometimes we do not) but it has become overwhelming.
She's not horrible, but for some reason, I just don't feel right about anything.
I stopped doing the things I like (i haven’t done anything for months), my husband and I started to argue more, I have seen my friends once since I was married (6 months), I’ve began to get sick almost all the time, I don’t want to get up.
I’m just tired. And when my husband tries to interfere, she comes for me separately and I’m a people pleaser to a detrimental effect, I have a hard time saying “No”. While it's something I want to work on, I'm not there yet at all.
I’ve been told I’m depressed. And someone who has found out about the situation has mentioned this is a bit abusive. However, I don’t know if they are saying that to make me feel better or if it is true? I am I just overly sensitive about everything?