Husband smothering me (not litrally!)

[marymack]

My husband is becoming increasingly clingy and it's starting to feel I'm being smothered and controlled.

we both work full time and have careers to take care of however he is pretty happy where he is in his career now whereas I'm still trying to progress in mine. This means that on top of working I need to do roughly between 1-2 hours study per night (at home) and so ask to be left alone during these times. He is not happy with this and wants me to stop studying and just stay where I am work-wise for now, I think he is being unreasonable, if I wasn't studying we would just be sat watching TV which I can't stand at the best of times.

3 Nights a week I use the gym too and I swim on a saturday morning, he dislikes me doing this, doesnt "see the point" in the gym and thinks we should spend ALL weekend together.

He wants to know exactly what is in my bank and what I've bought and how much I'm spending, he tries to sneak a look at my bank statements and keeps suggesting that all of our money goes into joint accounts, I'm strongly against this, we have 1 joint account for household money which we both contribute to and then we have our single accounts, he wants to scrap both single accounts.

If ever I arrange to go out with friends he goes in a huge mood and gives me the silent treatment or pretends he's ill hoping I'll stay in, I tell him to go out with his friends all the time but he won't.

He recently hit the roof because I planned a weekend in London with my friend, he went ballistic.

Am I really being unreasonable wanting a life of my own?? just because we're married surely doesn't mean we need to live in each others pockets??

no advice im afraid but i will be watching closley as i could have written this thread myself, its got to the stage where he even sleeps with a leg over me and wakes up if i get up during the night to find out where i am going. either the toilet or for a drink where else woul it be????

I have this issue a little bit with my dp - he needs a lot of time to himself doing his own thing. I don't mind this, but do sometimes feel a bit lonely and neglected! Perhaps your dh feels a bit like this? His reactions do sound a bit unreasonable and controlling!

I agree that you don't need to live in each other's pockets. Your dh obviously wants you to spend more time together, but imo he should talk directly to you about it, rather than trying to control you through moods/tantrums and secret perusal of your bank statements etc. You both need time to yourselves - it seems he just needs a bit less of it than you!

I suppose the solution to many things is compromise?? I don't think you're being unreasonable but imo you need to reach a middle ground where you are both reasonably happy. (I definitely wouldn't give up your own bank account.)

mary -you're not being unreasonable at all (esp if you're studying and working a little freetime out with friends or the girls is very necessary).

From tone of your post sounds like this is a recent thing - or has it just got worse? wondering if there has anything that has happened (eg issues at work, bereavement etc) that may have triggered his insecure behaviour. Or is there anything in his past that makes him like this (eg unstable upbringing so hes scared you'll leave)? Can you talk to him about how all this makes you feel?

I do understand because I've been in a similar position with my DH - I was studying most evenings and he felt like he never saw me, lots of sulking because he was on his own every evening etc.

I might be going against the grain a bit here though - if you're studying most evenings, going to the gym 3 nights a week and also on a weekend morning then out with your friends too, you're not there very much are you? Can you make some time to see your DH too, and do something together rather than just watch telly?

I definitely agree with you that being married shouldn't mean living in each other's pockets, but you don't seem to have anything of a life together. Sorry, I'm sure there's more to your marriage than what you've put here, but just going by your OP it sounds like you're two very separate people just sharing a house.

Can't you make some special time for dh doing something mutually enjoyable
Don't push him out by spending so much time doing other things, he must think you're going off him. I know we all need our own personal space & it's good to keep in touch with friends but in moderation.

I agree with you re bank account prying, he obviously does feel insecure.

he sounds quite controlling tbh. do you give in to his demands or keep on as you are? i think you need to get him to agree to giving you 'time off' and agree, in turn, when you'll spend time together.

don't let him isolate you from your friends and family.

Obviously don't have the full picture here but this sort of controlling behaviour would set my alarm bells ringing. Maybe he's just insecure and needs a bit of TLC, but maybe he's a pathological possessive who could turn into an abuser. . Gently but firmly insist on your right to be a separate person, but schedule time in to spend with him doing stuff you both enjoy, whether that's going to see a band or shagging each other silly.

Have you tried putting yourself in Dh's shoes?????

I think if i was him, I would feel a bit unloved

Sorry but it sounds like you spend no real weeknights together and then swim and see friends on weekend, I'd feel left out.

I understand the studying and all, that's great but you don't want to drift apart.
Can't you do a movie one night a week or find a physical activity together such as cyclying, etc and replace that with a gym session???

As for bank accounts I agree it's nice to have account on your own, and I do but every cent of our money is shared, I guess we always know, borrow and use money from each others accounts.

I think it's weird for couples to have seperate money as you live in each other's pockets anyway, Couples who keep it all seperate and pay halves at dinner etc, split up, sorry but true, seen it many, many times.

You need your own intrests for sure, but you most definately need intrests together, and it's great to find new ones to enjoy together

I've been married 11 years this week dh and I both work from home and now live in a rural area, i love having my bf with me every day.