On the brink of marriage collapse...

[MrsB0310]

I don't even know where to start...it's going to be a long one

DH & I have been together for 18yrs, since we were 17. We had a rocky first few years, split up a couple of times & got back together, we seem to have some deep-rooted connection (sounds corny I know) that always seemed to bring us back together & whatever happens we will always love each other. We got married, had one child, I got PND, went on anti-depressents, lost my sex-drive, pushed him away, had second child, who was not an easy baby & pushed DH away even more. I just couldn't switch between being a mother & wife, motherhood took over. I got over my PND but things never really improved in terms of sex drive etc.

Every single arguement we had was about sex, he wanted it, I was rarely in the mood. Got to the point where we saw a sex therapist because I thought something was wrong with me. That highlighted that sex wasn't the only issue & we tried to work on other things. It got to the point where I didn't want any form of intimacy because in my head, he would then want more & I didn't. He changed himself to make me happy. I was numb of emotion & any feeling of love towards him, but deep down I knew I still loved him.

Now we are the point where I feel again, I feel love towards him & want to be with him but he has lost all feelings towards me because I pushed him away for so long. He's got to the point where he is exhausted of trying & changing himself to suit me. Which I totally understand, but I don't want to lose him. The last thing either of us wants is divorce/separation but we really don't know where to go from here. I'm not ready to give up yet...

Any words of wisdom/suggestions/advice would be gratefully received.

Would couples therapy be an option?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy - He doesn’t think it would work, as the sex counselling didn’t really work apart from making us realise the issues weren’t just sex related but the counselling stopped there as she was a sex counsellor not relationship counsellor, it cost us a fortune! We’re quite good at talking, we just don’t know what to do!

I highly recommend the marriage course. It's about finding new ways to communicate and express yourselves. It's a church thing but it's not religious (I'm not Christian and I still got lots from it). Good luck!

Sometimes, love is not enough to sustain a marriage.

Maybe you can separate, both meet other people, and be the best of friends, knowing that, ultimately, you both did what was best for your relationship and the other person.

If you want to try working on your relationship, then, like caredyscat I've heard good things about church-related marriage courses (and some tend not to be expensive nor to mandate membership of churches).

Failing an affordable marriage course, and, as you say you're good at talking but might benefit from a framework to assist you, I've seen lots of praise for the self-help maps and guides from: The Gottman Institute

The marriage course is free!

You are not there yet, bloody fight for your marriage!

For anyone who is not familiar with The Marriage Course (and other variations) there is a site where you can see what is available to you locally (it's global): The Marriage Courses

You can read about the 7sessions involved: themarriagecourses.org/try/the-marriage-course

Depending on how far you go into it, the reading list can add up tho' some places can loan books.

Sex therapy didn't work because you realised it wasn't a sex issue!!! If you can't afford couples counselling, check out some marriage books and commit to working through a chapter each month.

In the meantime, try and love your husband in the way he wants to be loved (maybe sex, maybe gifts - love laguages are very useful to know about ime).

You sound like you guys have a fighting chance!

Thanks all, they’re really helpful suggestions & it’s nice to hear that others think we have a chance 🙂

I completely agree with Ada about love languages! I have been reading the book recently and it has been really enlightening! I think it has the potential to change around a failing marriage and make it a happy marriage!

I read somewhere that if you are in a marriage where your 'feelings' of love have diminished, just behave in a loving way towards each other in actions and words and the feelings will eventually return. Sounds like there is definitely hope. My DH and I did the marriage course and it was enlightening but the best bit was we got a meal out together and an agenda of what to chat about!!!