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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he doing this :(

13 replies

whatafail · 26/06/2018 11:37

I know I’m probably going to get flamed for this but I’m so confused I need other opinions.

About 3 months ago now I started seeing someone, I really liked him, he met my friends they thought he was great, we really got on. We’d see eachother a couple of times a week. We would text all day, he would ring me in the morning before work and we’d spend hours on the phone at night. He’d say how he could see a future with me and that he was in love with me!

A month ago I had a message of someone I didn’t know saying he had a girlfriend, I asked him and he denied it. Person that messaged me on fb gave me her name and I messaged her, she said they were together, we spoke on the phone and I told her everything.

Still he didn’t leave me alone, he would still text and call constantly, asking if we could talk about things saying he misses me and can’t lose me etc. He even messaged my best friend saying he was in love with me and I was all he could think about bla bla bla, I sent the lot of the messages all to his girlfriend. She decided to stay with him. He still didn’t leave me alone and obviously didn’t care what she thought. I said me and him were over and if he really felt that way about me he wouldn’t be with her. A week later I had a gift and flowers delivered to my house of him!

This is where I fucked up, I ended up agreeing to see him to talk about things. He said his gf has been threatening to kill herself if he leaves her and all that bollocks. I know it’s all probably shit but why is he doing this to me? Telling me all this crap about missing and loving me saying it’s me who he wants to be with, literally won’t leave me alone. I feel really naive even posting but I really started liking him, I’m pretty much asking to get hurt aren’t I? My head has been a mess with it all. I feel like there is something between us but bottom line is he hasn’t left her!

OP posts:
whattheactualbleep · 26/06/2018 11:39

Txt telling him to not contact again or you will be logging it with the police.
Then block him on social media phone and emails.

If he does contact you or appear etc log it with police. Gel get a visit from them if he doesn't leave you alone.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2018 11:40

he would still text and call constantly
Well he wouldn't be able to if you blocked him.
That's what you need to do now.
Move on now and leave this one well alone.

whymewhyme · 26/06/2018 11:42

It is all bollox. He has no intention of leaving her and she's being a massive mug as will you be if you fall for his BS. You've been taken in by a liar and a cheat and you deserve wayyyy better! Block him!

elephantscanring · 26/06/2018 11:43

What they said!! ^^^

He's a lying git. You and his current gf are worth more. Why do women fall for this BS and stay with these losers???

Block him and move the heck on.

BestBeforeYesterday · 26/06/2018 11:45

He's doing it because he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants the safety of a long term relationship and an exciting affair in the side.

Nje1 · 26/06/2018 11:48

Even if he left her today for you how could you ever trust him and have a secure future. He sounds like a tool. A nice, charming tool but still...
You are worth more than this. Feel sorry for the other woman and move on without looking back

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/06/2018 12:21

He is a shit bag. A cheat. A liar.

Why would you even want to be with him? You are worth much more than that. Tell him in no uncertain terms to leave you alone and block him on EVERYTHING. If he continues to hassle you, report him to the police.

arranfan · 26/06/2018 12:30

Saw a good phrase used by another poster: "This is about control, power and ego".

Don't get caught up in the pick-me dance. It is really the "Keep you dangling on my string for my ego stroke" dance.

Read the sticky at the top of the forum and understand why you need a better relationship. But, there's no room for a relationship with someone else while your head is occupied by his mind-games.

Mum4Fergus · 26/06/2018 12:36

He's 'doing this' because you are letting him do it. Get him blocked on everything and move on x

LizzieSiddal · 26/06/2018 12:45

I agree with others. Text him to say if he contacts you again, in any way, you will go to the police. Then block him off everything. If he does get in touch somehow go straight to the police.

He’s carrying in because he’s enjoying the drama and because ar you haven’t blocked him he thinks he’s still in with a chance.

AngelicDarkness · 26/06/2018 13:00

Just gone through similar with a guy I adored. Ultimately I had to pick up my self worth, dust it off and told him to delete my number. He now back with the girl he was too-ing and frow-ing with me with.
Honestly, hurts like hell but I'm worth more than being a maybe, as are you. Block him and take care of yourself knowing it isn't you with the issues and you've dodged a bullet.

cakecakecheese · 26/06/2018 13:09

Yeah he's still doing it because you haven't blocked him and he thinks if he keeps declaring undying love you'll weaken and continue to see him. I get it, you thought he could be someone special, so no wonder a part of you wants him to have a very good reason for lying to you. He doesn't. You have to block him.

SendintheArdwolves · 26/06/2018 13:14

Why is he doing this? Some/all of the following :

He liked having two women rather than one.
If those two women can be fighting over him, so much the better.
His girlfriend has decided he is so great that she wants to stay with him despite his cheating - imagine how good it will feel if he can persuade you to give him a chance as well!
It's always easier to reel in someone who he's already put the work in to charm than find someone totally new.
His girlfriend is probably pick-me dancing like crazy - he wants to keep her on her toes by leaving evidence that you and he are still in touch. Of course, he'll be spinning this as you refusing to leave him alone, but it suits him very much if his girlfriend still feels insecure/frantic that he might leave.
Some men enjoy the ego boost of seeing how badly they can treat a woman and still have her take him back. You wouldn't think that all the begging and pleading they do to convince you would be very good for their ego but trust me - they can cry and grovel and it means nothing.
He likes the drama of being in a love triangle and enjoys the thought of all those complicated, important feelings swirling around.

None of this is to say that he doesn't find you attractive and enjoy your company, OP. Why wouldn't he - I bet you're great. But don't mistake all this for love or put it down to complex emotions and him not knowing what he wants, etc. You should chuck this one back.

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