Will it be easier once we're separated?

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

So long story shortish. Been with hubs around 10 years, haven't had sex for 6 (we both lost interest for a long while, but I regained my interest, he hasn't), he's grumpy and easy to anger, doesn't accept/realise that it's scary when he's like that (for me and the kids), saw therapist, he didn't think it helped... I told him I want to separate, he told me I'd destroy the family, I said okay I'll give it another go IF you make the effort to book therapist/help with housework and kids more/try to rebuild our relationship. He's done NOTHING different since that day. So, clearly, we're headed for separation, which will be my doing (he says he thinks everything is 'fine' in our relationship, ha). So to the point (finally!) – I know we have to separate but I would just love to hear other mums' stories of how they felt/changed AFTERWARDS, with regards their kids/their lives. I feel like I get unnecessarily short or stressed with the kids right now, because I'm disappointed with HIM for not helping, or for being grumpy or whatever... and I guess I'm hoping to hear that once you get the grumpy guy out of the way, that it's easier not to be so short and stressed? I'm not generally a short-tempered person so I'm hoping that without having to deal with him and his needs, this might improve? Sorry, that wasn't short at all in the end! :D

I'm in a similar situation except i dont have kids so would also like reassurance that it does get better. Hopefully some other people will comment soon. Have some flowers for now though. If you feel how I feel you need them x

Life got so much better. There are some hard times initially, sorting out routines/homes etc but I'm so much happier now, dating again, stress has gone. I'm more relaxed and health improved. It's like a weight lifted. The children are happier too, even though we tried not to argue in front of them they are perceptive about the stress and tension etc.

Good luck

Thanks both. Bettasplenden, I’m sorry you’re going through this too. It’s hard because I have found I second guess myself a lot - maybe it’s ok? Maybe if I did x, y, z things could improve? But in my case it’s pretty clear that although he SAYS he doesn’t want to separate the desire (in all senses of the word!) simply isn’t there.

Pineappler, that is SO good to read. :D I think you’re spot on about the kids - even though you try not to make it obvious they pick up on tension. And even without my ‘selfish’ reasons for separating (my own relationship happiness etc) I don’t want them growing up and thinking that a relationship should be like this. Whenever I doubt myself I ask myself if I would want either of them in my kind of relationship and it makes it crystal clear that a separation is necessary so that they can see it doesn’t have to be that way. Tough times ahead! Thank you! ❤️

Even though it's hard having to do everything yourself it's better than feeling the resentment. Also, if you leave the house clean you come back to a clean house. Not to a load of mess someone else had created.

He doesn't want to separate because it's working for him isn't it?

I'm 2 weeks post separation and iv only cried once so far. He pushed me for so long and I know I tried all I could so that helps me feel better knowing that he is never going to be a better person. I used to do all of the chores and childcare anyway so without him iv got less to do and am way less stressed. I know there will be some tough times ahead but I definitely feel a weight has lifted

I was married 9 years. Some seriously
Fundamental issues. The only difference was we were having sex and in a bit of denial right up until the night before I moved out. (I was of the mind set that with space we could fix it all)
It has literally been the most harrowing 12 months of my life.
But I’m finally seeing the light and feel like a different person. I feel lighter and brighter.
The children have been amazing. See both of us most days as I moved very close by.
I didn’t feel brave for such a long time but I do now

I’ve just seen your other post about second guessing.
I’ve spent years thinking “of i could just be a better wife” or if “I just didn’t retaliate”
But I now know that wasn’t possible.
I was good enough, and I am ok being me. Just not with him