HELP please!

[Anonymous233]

Hi

I am new to this and have never posted. I see there is a lot of good advice on here, so I am hoping someone will reply to me (constructively.. please!). :s

I am nervous about posting this, but I have got myself (!) into a really sticky situation.

Here goes:

I have been close to leaving my relationship of almost 15 years for the past few months. But I can't seem to do it properly, or maybe I don't want to? That's where I'm stuck!

Long story short:
I am still in my first ever proper relationship. I left my country and family to be with him. We have a beautiful son, and a house, no financial worries but secure jobs, so that's all great.

We were sort of doing ok over the years. I say sort of, because every now and then I got really exhausted or depressed (lonely), but then I would go back to 'normal' and just carry on with him.
One of my main issues is that he is constantly on the PC That was fine when we were long-distance, but I thought it would change. He is on his mobile, tablet or PC pretty much all day, except when we sit down for dinner or he has to do something.

I know this is my mistake, but for years I thought it will be a phase and, as we get older, he will grow out of it, or realise I am worth spending time with.

We used to do sports together a lot, but we have no family around, so going out together (except to kids' parties) has stopped pretty much. And it was usually with other people anyway.

Anyway, this has been the case for years, but I didn't have enough self-esteem to either address it or talk to people about it, until recently. I have opened up to three friends, which was great.

Last year was probably the worst in our relationship. It was not just the video games, but overall a lack of respect. Calling me the maid, shouting at me (but then calming down again very quickly) when I do things wrong, telling me off if dinner was ready too quickly and he had to stop playing earlier than expected, wanting sex and housework/parenting from me but little else. The worst was when I accidentally switched off his phone charger and he couldn't play his game and he cursed at me in front of our son, with lots of F words.

These are extreme examples, but let's just say I finally woke up to the lack of respect. Also telling me he is most important, always walking far ahead of me because I 'walk too slowly', things like that. Oh and I am expected to fulfill my 'housewife' duties, even if have a big event on and am working day and night (if I 'choose' to work overtime, it's my problem and he doesn't see why it should affect him).

There have been many times where I just went upstairs to cry over the years, which is a huge mistake.

He also plays games during the day and has little patience with our son. At times, he is a fantastic Dad and plays really well with him, and I love those times (I am a bit perfectionist perhaps).

I have talked him down a lot, but actually I am worse. As he increasingly ignored me, I found myself falling for my new best friend, who as it turned out liked me.
I pushed him away many times, but to be honest I feel nothing but love for him. He sees the strong woman that is apparently lurking in me and he cares a lot for other people. He listens (!) and cares for me, even when I do stupid things. I really, really wish I had met him sooner.

Now I have read many threads where people just said 'don't do it, it will ruin everything'. So for the past few months I have been pinging back and forth between wanting to save my relationship or starting new with someone who shares my beliefs.

Earlier this year, I tried to break up with my other half. More than once I had long chats with him about how unhappy I was, and eventually I thought I was breaking through. He started watching TV with me, eventually without a device in his hand. I know it doesn't sound like much, but usually he watched TV while playing his game at the PC, whereas I sit on the sofa. By myself.

I had a few sessions of counselling after I realised I had feelings for the other guy, mainly to deal with my guilt. That, and the support from the other guy (I know, weird!) gave me the strength to address things in my relationship. After lots of tears, at the end of the counselling I decided to break up with him.

I attempted to, but I am still here. I now have two choices:

1. Get out, live the life I want and maybe start anew with a fantastic person. But that comes with a lot of dangers and doing away with rosetinted glasses.
2. Staying and trying to work things out enough to make them acceptable, or just readjust my thinking. I have a lot of good in my life!

My son is about to start school and I feel that, if I left, I would not really be there for him. It would be so unsettling and perhaps there IS a chance to fix things. I am so jealous of people who have teenage kids and that stable family thing..

On the other hand, won't I be a better example if I go my own way, instead of sticking it out?

Time is of the essence, with the school start, mortgage renewal and so on... Everything is so cloudy I just cannot see the right way. I'm not asking you to decide for me, I just need advice. :(

I know it's impossible, but I just want the happiest solution for everyone. And at the moment I am doing the opposite, because I am stuck...

(Please try not to judge me, I am 'attacking' myself daily about how I feel: panic attacks, anxiety, you name it.. :S )

Even writing about it helps, if I don't get any replies.

I feel unfair towards him, because sometimes he is great with our son. He looks after our money really well. He isn't a terrible person. And, as he keeps saying, as he's playing games he is not out getting pissed like other guys....

He did say a while ago it's not fair of me to ask him to change now. But then he did watch TV next to me and say I need to talk more.

He really wants a second child. I do, too, but I don't want this situation times two. :s

I also need his support with upcoming dual passport applications for our son. And he wants me to go on holiday with them. It's all so complicated. :s

Classic story, I'm afraid.
Neglected wife has her head turned by another man who sees the strong woman she can be, a man who finally understands her.

First off, keep these separate. If you're not happy in your marriage then think about what you want to do or change. Forget the other man.

Second, do not jump from the frying pan into the fire. If your marriage is over, you need time to heal and reflect. Don't jump into a relationship with the other man.

And a warning: this other man raises red flags with me. Are you sure he's not a predator who likes the thrill of the chase? If you think you'll sail off into the sunset with him, you may be disappointed. There are plenty of rotters out there who prey on lonely dissatisfied wives.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks for your comments.

Yes, I am sure about him. I have known him for a few years, I just didn't know him very well.

Even with that, I know that's no guarantee, and he is not making any except he will be there for me.

Going back to the first bit:
My son gets talked down, as do I. So part of me thinks if I take a stand and leave, that will be a good thing. On the other hand, I will have more influence from within.

I can see how being alone could be good developmentally, but I don't think I would cope being so far away from family AND being on my own. Then again I am lonely enough as it is.

My son is about to start school and I feel that, if I left, I would not really be there for him.

Why would you think this? You surely don't think your fuckwit husband is suddenly going to step up and ask for 50/50 residency? That would interfere FAR to much with his gaming time!

He treats you and your son as beneath his contempt. If you don't get out now, you are exposing your son to some terrible, terrible lessons about his own self-worth and yours.

Thanks, NTFT!

He did say he didn't want to share him. I read your comments and I go 'yeah, I will!', but then I fall back into wishful thinking. And the pattern repeats over and over.

I just cannot seem to accept the way things are!!

Is anyone still awake?

I keep making things worse and I am not coping. :(

if I am to break up with him, I really need to do it now. But I am crying my eyes out, curled into a ball instead.

Where do people draw their strength from? How do you g out! Who has? :s

Now?

No you need to do it calmly.

Get the passport applications in, get legal advice, look at the housing situation and let your Ds start school and then make your move. Gather your strength as you make your plans.

You know the facts. You know he won’t change. You’re living half a life.

Most importantly, this is a grim home life for your poor son. You can do this.

And to answer your question; I think that’s where a large proportion of people get their strength from; thinking about what’s best for their children.

I was you in many respects. Seven-year relationship, small child, not in my own country. Coping with someone addicted to gaming. On his phone, on his PC, on the TV... I went cold after fighting with him to try and get him to change. I just stopped caring in some way. So he told me I wasn't affectionate enough, not sure he loved me, family life is boring etc. I opened my mouth to talk about counselling, working at things but you know, i wanted something better for me and dd. So we split. He changed his mind after 6 weeks but I didn't. It was hard. We had to live together for a couple of months, dd was only 3, his family were horrible to me and in the end I chucked him out before our lease was up.

Best thing I ever did. His new girlfriend is a gamer too and so they just sit next to each other doing the same things! Do it for yourself, for your child, but NOT for another man. If that is meant to be you can work it out later. It is hard, it hurts but you can do it. One f the reasons he wanted me back was because I was so much happier and stronger getting life together without him. Good luck!

Thank you for talking to me.

I know it sounds awful and messy. But I have half left and I find it hard to pretend I am 'in' and don't think it's fair on him, having withdrawn affection and intimacy.

And the other guy has been waiting for months and emotionally supported me, been patient. He also cannot watch any longer and is 'out' if I keep the charade going for the passport etc. And I don't blame him, but the idea of losing him is like a dagger inside me. But the same goes for my son.

I feel pathetic because, to be honest, without meeting this man I would have never considered leaving and I would have stayed unhappy. I have found some self esteem, but I have lost the good person I was, which is taking it all away again.

You needed a catalyst, you found a catalyst. Don’t feel pathetic.

I understand all that but you really need to think about what is best for your ds above all. This is very tough on children. They benefit from you being strong and I don't know what my dd would have felt like if there'd been another man so soon. She needed a lot from me. Take your strength from getting a better life for both of you. I would be wary of the other guy. Look after your own interests first.

You’re not moving straight in with the new man?

isadorable - thank you. It's good to know it has worked out for you. You should be proud of yourself.

I actually really like my DH's family, so I wojld kiss them.

there are so many fears I have: living here is so expensive. I would lose so many friends. We even work in the same place! And I will definitely need that job.

Did you have any issues going abroad to see family? I heard that, when there are different surnames involved, they now stop you at the airport and phone ip the others parent.

To clarify, I am talking about holiday, not abducting my son.

Battleax - no, of course not, even though he said he would help me find a new home. I am not completely reckless! Esp. with my son in mind.

I have emotional issues and am probably more attached to my son than is good for me.
Growing up, my parents always argued and were close to divorce but never separated, even after an affair. My Mum stuck it out, she told me recently, for us kids. She became an alcoholic after we left and keeps relapsing.

Meanwhile, my Dad is getting increasingly unwell and I don't know how often I can still see him. Which is making me increasingly homesick. My family have commented on DH's habits over the years.

I am so used to being the one keeping everyone 'happy'. I just wish I could be with someone who makes me happy. :s

Just checking.

Maybe counselling would be a good idea? You need to process all the childhood baggage somehow.

I'd be wary of the new guy, it's still early days in you getting to know him and it's pretty easy for him to be supportive and saying all the right things when it's not his relationship in the balance, giving you ultimatums like he's out if he has to wait much longer, especially over the passport issue is a definite red flag in my opinion and really, I wouldn't even be concerning yourself with any other relationships other that of the one with your child and partner.

Would you be able rent somewhere for a while so you have some space and can properly consider your options?

Argh, lost my message!

I did have counselling earlier this year and covered my childhood issues, and in the last session I came to the conclusion that I must break up.

Maybe the kindest thing I can do is to let the other guy go. It's not fair for him to be stuck with me. After all, it is my problem, not his. I just know I will tegret it. he has given so much and conducts himself so well and makes an effort with everyone around him. No, he's not perfect, but neither am I.

I don't want to end up hard and miserable for letting this chance go.

But everyone's comments re:DS are so important, too.
Another sacrifice. :(

Take everyone else out of your mental equations when trying to decide what to do. Stop putting everyone else first.

Think about who you are, and what YOU want. After so many years being so lonely within your relationship, anyone who pays you attention will seem like a saviour.

Being alone for a time with your son, will give you clarity to decide for yourself what will be the next step.

If you hop from one relationship to another, you are not doing yourself or your son any favours. When you say this man has "given so much", it sounds as though you feel you owe him for paying you any attention and that is not the way to walk into another relationship.

Time is not of the essence and if man number two is making you feel that it is, then this is not a good sign. If he truly loves you , he will give you the time to learn to love yourself which I don't feel from your posts, that you do. And you know what? He isn't a good person either ( if you must refer to yourself that way) as he knew you were married, and is putting pressure on you.

Your relationship with your partner sounds over. And that is okay. So is being on your own for a bit without the influence of other people.

I would take your son home for a holiday and see your family. Get away from both men.
Step out of your current world for a time if you can.

And why do you feel that thinking about your sons needs are a sacrifice?

It’s not clear from your posts, are you taking your son with you or leaving him at home with his father?

Sorry, by sacrifice I meant giving up the idea of the other man for my son would be.

Soloooo - I think co-parenting would be the best option. I would hope to be the main carer, but we would have to agree what is best for him. I can't imagine DH leaving me the house, so I think I would end up leaving or we would sell the house and both leave.

We are in talks about a new mortgage..

I went home. My ex let me go as he didn't want to parent our daughter. In fact, he seemed grateful which was rather heart breaking. She goes to see him for holidays. She has both our surnames on birth certificate and passport thanks to someone warning me it could be a problem when she was born.
You've had some really good advice. You do need to think about yourself. This is the best way to be the best mum you can for your son. Dont rush into anything though.

Thank you for all your advice.

It does seem as if breaking up with new guy would be sensible, but is so upsetting. No one has ever been there for me like that. :(

It's like a vicious circle. I feel sad, he comforts me, and then I mentally attack myself with guilt..