Depressed Dad

[Depressedad]

Hey there, sorry to burden you all with this, but I really need a female opinion on the state of my marriage. I don’t know whether I am being over sensitive or not- I’ve only even been in one relationship and that’s the one that I’m in now with my wife of 7 years.
Firstly she has to keep the house immaculate and with 2 children that’s difficult! She moans if I leave anything out on work tops like keys, she complains about the amount of house work she has to do (I do help each week!) but that is self inflicted by her wanting a very tidy house. If I do help clean she means that it’s not done properly. Essentially I feel like it’s not my house at all and that all my stuff is clutter.
I work hard so she doesn’t have to work and we have a nice house - but she moans that I work too much, that I’m never around, that I don’t earn enough and should move jobs, and that she wants to move to a more expensive house. I can’t seem to win.
She complains that she has to do everything and that I don’t help, but I have no hobbies, all I ever do at weekends is help with the kids (which I love!) or clean the house- I don’t take days off to play golf or anything.
Is this normal female behaviour? It’s bring going on for years but is getting worse, I’m becoming very depressed and to be honest I don’t think I can go on much longer. I’ve had enough of everything.
I’m not the kind of guy who would have an affair, I just want to look forward to seeing my family at weekends, but now I dread it because I just get moaned at. I always thought a wife was meant to be a best friend but this is really not the case. I’m sure I’m being over sensitive but would appreciate any views. Thanks for reading

May I ask: Does your wife have any interests outside the home?
I know of a similar situation where the SAHM was unfulfilled - getting a job helped her in so many ways, socially, self esteem, purpose, adult interaction.

Hey there, yes she has lots of friends who also have kids, and she sees them lots. So I think she’s happy. It’s just I can’t do anything right.

So she's happy in herself, but not happy with you?

Would you consider counselling? I'd approach it as "I hear that you're unhappy with me. I am also unhappy. I think we would really benefit from seeing a neutral third party who can help us communicate better. I love you and I want our marriage to make both of us happy."

Basically yes she’s not happy with me. I hadn’t considered counselling, I’m not sure how she’d take it!

Of course not all women are like this - every woman is different. Personally I'm messier than DH!

You need to talk to her, OP. If you are dreading weekends you need to have a proper conversation about not being happy and how to change the way you interact with each other. I second the suggestion of counselling, or maybe a marriage course instead. She almost certainly doesn't realise how fed up you are feeling.

It’s a slog isn’t it.

I’m a dad too. We’ve twin twin toddlers and a 4 year old. I don’t have anything in my life apart from work and parenting.

I’m fortunate to have a better relationship with my wife than you, although I still feel pretty depressed sometimes. There needs to be more to life than this. There’s zero time for “me”. I feel like I’ve just melted into this life, and my individuality has dissipated into a mush of middle-aged nothingness.

I’m lucky to have a great relationship with my wife. I don’t mean to rub it in - my point in saying that is that you need to have some very honest conversations with your wife about how you’re doing, and what you need from her. She’s your partner in all of this and you need to be able to rely on her.

She’ll probably think I’m being over sensitive and I probably am! I’ve never been one to shout at her, so maybe she thinks I’m ok with how things are. I’ll think about the idea of a course but I suspect she’ll think I’m being ridiculous

If it's any consolation - you sound like the type of man so many of us are looking for. Sensitive, honest and trustworthy. I doubt she wants to lose you. Just tell her what you've told us.

Good luck OP xx

No this is not normal female behaviour. She sounds very ungrateful and demanding

Thanks! Good to have a man’s input! I guess I’m just fed up with being treated like cr** and that’s now having an impact in how I feel about myself and my own happiness. You are very lucky to have a wife you can talk too

Thank you, I’ll try and talk to her. It’s nice to know you don’t think I’m a over sensitive wimp!

It took a while to summon up the courage to talk about it though. It still feels like men are supposed to be the stronger one and not need much emotional support. That’s obviously bollocks though.

We all need things from our spouse. You need to be able to tell her what you need from her.

depressed this is meant kindly but may sound harsh, if so, know that this is not me being unkind... Have you considered that your wife may be anxious - extreme concerns and desperate neatness are often signs of someone trying to control their environment. What I mean by that is, is your wife happy and fulfilled, confident and relaxed as a parent or is it possible that having children and all the ball juggling responsibilities of a family life are a worry and this is showing itself externally as cleaning / tidying and short shrift for those who contribute to 'mess'.
You say you're miserable but it sounds as if she is too. Be kind, talk to her from a place of loving concern - emphasise everything she's doing right rather than "you're driving me nuts and making me miserable " and maybe you'll find some common ground to take things in a happier direction.
Good luck.

I'm the opposite of your wife so this might be poor advice but...

This is definitely a communication issue. Your wife is a 'driver', is results-oriented, and this doesn't really tally with a relaxed home life for you or your DC.

I would start with a conversation around the fact that you have different standards, and that just because yours are 'lower' doesn't mean that you don't care. I would also discuss the fact that the way she communicates makes it difficult to feel positive about your contribution to family life, and ask her to consider individual or couples counselling in order to address this problem.

Good luck PS you're allowed to swear on MN

No, this is not normal behaviour, and you aren't being oversensitive.

Your wife is being unkind to you and I think you need to sit her down and tell her what you've told us. She needs to understand that if she doesn't take your unhappiness seriously her marriage may be over all too soon.

This business of what you do never being satisfactory, so that she isn't pleased with the help you're offering because it hasn't been done to her standards? It would get anyone down.

You're going to have to talk.

Thanks for all your help and advice- I appreciate it. I have been so depressed about all this, thinking it was my fault. I’ve not got anyone to talk too which I think has made it all worse, I have been thinking of seeing a doctor about my depression. So now I’ve got a reason to be a bit more optimistic so I will try and talk to her. On the subject of swearing, I’m very old fashioned and don’t think I should use bad language in front of ladies!

Please do see your GP. There are lots of different antidepressants, so if one doesn't help you can try another. You could ask about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) which can be very effective and works in only 10-12 weeks.

I've been suffering from depression. It makes life hard work. You have my sympathy.