Empty nester -to be

[DisplacedManc]

Eldest daughter flew the nest in 2013 to uni, has graduated and now lives in London 250 miles away. Younger daughter 17 and will fly the coop next year. I coped with eldest daughter going by starting and throwing myself into starting my own business & seeing to younger daughter. I didn't "grieve" for elder daughter going - I distracted myself heavily - but now, subconsciously I realise I don't have long left having an offspring at home, and boy, has it bitten me on the bum! I get teary flashbacks of times when I didn't "parent" very well, got angry or withdrawn, and how that might have harmed either of them growing up.
Those that have been through this - is this normal? I am taking medication for nerve pain that affects the chemical balance in the brain, so I realise this may be contributing. But these teary episodes come hard & heavy, and as a business owner I need to be in top form. I'm trying to prepare myself for this time next year when youngest goes.
Do these episodes diminish? What would you advise? Thank you

I find it interesting that you use the word 'grieve' in talking about your dd1 growing up and moving on. I wonder what you are grieving for? Lost opportunities, perfect moments missed, childhood cuddles that have passed.... ?

What would happen if you replaced the 'grieving' with celebration - celebrating all the times when you laughed together, the moments when your dd were sad or sick and you comforted them, the hundreds and hundreds of mundane hours when you were just being an ordinary family together, showing them how good and ok normal family life is. (PS it's not all sunshine and flowers) and celebrate that your dds have grown up knowing that their Mum can shout at them, be pissed off with them, can be moody or hurt or have her own problems, but that she still loves them - for who they are. (and they love their Mum for who she is)

I'm sorry not to have any useful advice, but just reassurance that I at least felt exactly the same.

I loved being a mum, and really struggled with no longer being needed (by anyone really). I used to look back to happier times with such nostalgia, and long to be back there, full of regret for the things I did wrong, or for not fully appreciating what I had at the time.

I used to complain about noise and mess but would love to have that messy, noisy house again.

I'm afraid that there is no magic bullet. It is just time, and filling your life with distractions. I have thrown myself into my job in a way I didn't before, and make time for family, friends and travelling. I try to focus on the positives - the freedom and so on - but still look forward to seeing them, so much. I'm used to it now, but they are still my favourite people in the world, and I miss them.

Obviously you can't talk about any of this in rl otherwise you are a sad, overbearing mother that needs to get a life, or one of those mil that get criticised on here so much for expecting too much contact.

@venusandmars I understand what you saying. Enhance the positive so the negative diminishes. But I think I've read somewhere that the natural reaction of the human brain is to default to the negative. Unless you take steps to try & reverse that. Which I am - trying to remember special times when I get wobbly. And "grieving"? Yes, totally. Someone who has been at the centre of my world for over 20 years won't be. So in a way, it's like losing her. But I deal with it privately and support & cheer for her from the sidelines .
@RainySeptember What you describe really resonates with me. As I mentioned to venusandmars, the human brain naturally defaults to the negative - hence I'm remembering the bad things I wish I could change. But I'm trying to remedy that by instantly trying to remember the good stuff when a bad thought strikes (CBT techniques). But, despite all this, isn't this a rite of passage? A subconscious tearing apart from your children you have to deal with. Privately mostly with a forced smile on your face on the bad days. And I know it lessens over time. It's just tough to go through being made worse that you feel it has to be hidden. X

Op, I think what you're feeling is entirely valid and natural. It's normal to feel a loss;you've devoted the main focus of your existence to your daughters and now they're moving away from you. It's a testament to good parenting that they have acquired independence but loss is an inevitable price. I also think it's a part of parenting to wince at some of the moments when we didn't shine as parents. We're human too. There is that helpful phrase of the psychologist Donald Winicott to fall back on: the "good enough parent". I think society can be shallow about these levels of grief and sadness experienced at junctures in our lives. It is of course good to embrace jobs, interests and freedoms. Life is short and we must relish the liberty to be rediscovered but we cannot return to the person we were before kids and we may have to live alongside that sadness whilst rejoicing when they come back to us and being grateful for mostly happy memories created down the years.

They are flying the nest because you did a good job as a mother - they are becoming grown ups, independent adults, capable people in their own right.

My youngest has just completed her A-levels so, fingers crossed, will be off to uni in September.
The Abba song 'Slipping Through my Fingers' was on the radio this week and I had to pull the car over because I was crying so hard. It re-iterates the things you allude to. I keep thinking of things I said we could do together but my work, her social life etc. got in the way and we never got round to them.
I know Uncreative has said a true thing, but that doesn't stop the grieving. I think it is a natural stage of parenting. I'm planning to embark on a few small adventures but I suspect the child shaped hole will still be aching.

Ooh peaky polly, that post gave me a jolt of recognition - my daughter, too, will be off in September and I feel like I'm trying to squeeze in last opportunities to have time with her.

Thank you all for your responses. I didn't think I was alone, it's just it isn't spoken of too much, is it?

I'm a bit of a newbie to Mumsnet, but I knew there'd be people on here in the same boat.

Sending a virtual hug to you all 👋

Same to you, OP! Your loving is never lost..cherish your blessings that you have this great relationship with your daughter. X

They are flying the nest because you did a good job as a mother - they are becoming grown ups, independent adults, capable people in their own right

Yep you did good. It's tricky sometimes and you've navigated 2 into adulthood. Bravo man! It's the next chapter of your life now. You're not just a mother!

Number 2 kid is just about to fly the coop, awesome 18 yr old with good job. Still has a foot in the door but I've got my eye on his bedroom for an adult playroom so might give him a shove soon. Definitely no empty nest here