Can it really all be my fault?

[CantDieTwice]

My partner and i have been together for 15 years, daily we argue but nothing worth report as its just bickering about silly things. I recently asked her a question that had bothered me for years....." why do we have sex once a month? "

Ive never asked her before because im of the opinion you shouldnt feel pressured in to sex with anyone and for any reason. Now this isnt an over night thing and has actually been the case for about 6-8 years and i guess i should be greatful that i get any nookie at all lol. When i asked my OH why we had so little sex her reply was "im just not a sexual person, i just dont need it". The problem is, i am and i do!. I have discussed this with my OH and she replied saying ive got sex on the brain.......which given the fact i have sex once a month is hardly suprising. Frustratingly my OH suggests that if i feel the need for a release i should masterbute while she is out the house all day!, this upset greatly. Im now at a point where i think its simply me she doesnt want to be having sex with. Im a gym fit attractive man in a professional job so i kinda hoped id have a little sex appeal lol. Anyway i would value anyones opinion and honesty about if this could be a genuine case of not needing or wanting sex or if i am the issue.

If you read the message boards in here you will realise it is full of people (men and women) who are not that bothered about having sex with their partners. Why that is so seems to span across from sheer exhaustion from kids/work, feeling unattractive, not loving or feeling attracted to their partner or simply having a low or zero libido.

If your partner is not bothered and will not seek any medical advice to be checked out, well I suppose you know what the options are. From a woman's perspective, an active and loving sex life is a non negotiable for me in a relationship. Whilst there may be down times, these can only be temporary and for an understandable reason as I need to be intimate to feel loved. Whilst this sounds harsh I'm not prepared to live with someone as a virtual friend as reading stuff in here, it teaches you it never gets better!

Are ye affectionate together besides sex? What is the rest of the relationship like?

If she isn't a sexual person, or if it is a case she just does not want to have sex with you, how will you cope ?

It is very common. I even hear my own friends say they do not enjoy sex but I think a lot of time for us women it is communication and feeling close to our partners that make us feel like having sex. I know in a lot of those cases, the hubby may just be asking for sex, or doing things which are considered "nice" for the woman but thinly veiled attempts to get sex... if you get me !

Thank you, i can honestly say that is my view especially after the time now elapsed. I explained to my partner how i felt but i didnt feel it really had any affect. My OH told me she is extremely happy with me, she is as she saus sexually attracted to me and agrees when we do have sex its fabulous however she also says she just never thinks about having sex and actually isnt that bothered of she has it or not. Confusing to say the least eh....sex is fabulous but you can go without it. This really is starting to both me now. I could understand if i was an unhealthy man but i simply am not.

I am as my OH agrees very tentative, very caring and open. I understand that for women or at least most us men have to make sure our OHs are in a good place, i work hard on being romantic and work hard on making sure she feels loved. Our day to day relatio is fine, the idd bicker but nothing ever serious or nasty. I understand for women its the feelings and the attachment to that person. I also understand that a woman's sexual desire is far more connected to emotions than her husband's sex drive is. Im just at a loss now.

I find that no matter how often my partner and I have sex he would want it more. He literally tries to get me to have sex at any time of the day no matter what is going on in the house. We do both work, but when he is ar home (i work from home) he seems to think about it all the time. He talks about it constantly. He touches me constantly (at inappropriate times) it really gets wearing and tbh it really puts me off having sex Anytime he is tries to be nice or do the dishes or somehing (once in a blue moon) t I just assume it's because he's trying to have sex. We don't have sex all the time, probably around twice a week. Even then I don't particularly want to, which is horrible but I just don't have a very high sex drive anymore and I think the constant having to tell him no puts me off even more.
This probably isn't what's happening in your situation OP but I thought I would just share the story.

I can see how that can be draining, thank you for your response. I really try hard not to have a reward based sex system lol i find it a put off. Ill regularly clean and cook happily but wouldnt expect sex just for doing something that needs doing.

I did feel very bad the other month because i said i would masturbate unless she helped me which was more a silly idea to get some kind of bite and response and she simply told me to make sure i lock the door lol im just so confused by all this now.

Timeisslippingaway that's horrendous! What a turn off. He's lucky to get it twice a week.

CantDieTwice - it's a bit like a fabulous joint of roast beef though. Once a month is indeed fabulous, but you don't want it every day!

Singlenotsingle, haha thank you. Im actually not overly worried about sex everyday but it feels regimented now. I would like to be a bit more sexually active but certainly not everyday.

I recommend that you read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It explains a lot about female sexuality and will really help.

Thank you sugerplumps,

Ill deffinately take a look. It seems i need all the help i can get 😣

Does she always orgasm OP?

More often than not if im being ho est but there has been (embarressingly) times when i may have finished first and she will simply stop. I would in this case case spend as much time as possible in ensuring i can help her finish one way or another lol without going into to much detail lol.

The answer is in your very first sentence "daily we argue".
Most people don't want to have sex with someone they've been arguing with.

But I'm fit, professional, attractive and I read Cosmopolitan! you say. Doesn't matter. Sort out the daily arguing, and the root cause of this arguing, as a first step.

I think that was a bad choice of words i would say bicker. I think the last argument so to speak would have been a year ago

To me, bickering all the time is much worse than infrequent arguing. It's about small petty things that aren't important and is usually a competition where neither party is willing to concede and just let it go. It's one upmanship. My parents bicker and contradict each other all the time. If he says they walked a mile, she'll say it was more than a mile, then he'll insist it was a mile and it goes on and the story he was trying to tell is lost. Who bloody cares if it was a mile or 1.25 of a mile? Drives me nuts! I have explained to my dh how much I hate bickering. If it's not important he lets it go and visa versa. I really won't find daily bickering sexually positive in a relationship. Doesn't make me close to a partner and makes me feel that I am being tried like a child who is not relevant.

Thingsdogetbetter,

I can understand that. I guess the bickering is probably the cause. It seems i need to work harder on that and maybe things will change. Thank you

Not sure you why you think you have to work harder at not bickering. It’s a joint thing to do, unless you believe it’s all you?

So perhaps try and talk to her about that aspect of your life.

Did you always have mismatched ideas on sex? I mean we all get lazy in ltr and it can wane somewhat.

But if you have fundamentally different sex drives then it’s a different kettle of fish, you either just accept what you have or not, and do something about that.

I'm confused as to why you saying you would masturbate would "get a reaction" from her? Do you think that is something you shouldn't "have to" do in a relationship, or does she have a problem with it?

There are so many weird things in your post, how is it that you haven’t raised your frustration with the frequency of sex before? Why is masterbation such an issue? Daily bickering is corrosive, has the communication between you always been so poor? Finally,

You asked and she answered. The balls in your court, is it a dealbreaker? If it is, then you need to communicate that. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting more frequent sex and there’s nothing wrong with her wanting it less frequently, the problem is, that your sex drives are mismatched.

My reasons for not wanting it as much are: my meds, feeling unattractive, feeling exhausted, my husband never coming to be as early as me so we rush it at other times and he gets more enjoyment from that than I do. Getting older as well. We can be once every week to 10 days now which I never imagined we'd get to as I do really like it.
Bickering can be a sign of underlying resentments, maybe you both working on that would have a positive effect on relationship and a knock-on effect on your sex life.
Talk to her. Explain that her glibly saying just masturbate isn't solving what you'd like more of - intimacy with the woman you love. (I've said it to my husband before and he explained he has no interest in a mechanical orgasm that he wants us to make love) Talk more, listen more. Good luck.

OP sounds like your relationship is quite normal , well bicker etc.

Is she on the pill by any chance? I found that my sex drive got really low when I was on the pill.

Also, I found that I would just go along with sex at times even if I was not terribly in the mood, because once you start it is great! I mentioned this to a friend before and she was like, so you just do it even though you don't want to... and the thing is she is right, but I never regretted it as I always felt so much closer ti him then.

I can imagine you are at a loss.

Are you really saying you have sex once a month and you don't masturbate at any other time? I find that really difficult to believe. Sorry.

Meh i'm in the "its great every once in a while (ie 2 or 3 times a month) but i could take it or leave it most of the time" camp.
My DH hasn't done anything wrong.
There's nothing wrong in our relationship apart from the wear & tear of work and young children.
If he wanted to "fix" the situation, I can't think of anything that would make me want sex more often

I'm just not that interested in having sex .... now in my situation we're open about it, he knows the score, and is ok with it.

If he weren't, I'm not entirely sure what I could do, apart from having sex that i don't want

I am in the camp that even if you’re not really in the mood, once you get going you’re glad you did. Which is totally different from having sex when you don’t want it.

But if she’s not even willing to give that a go then there’s not much more you can do