Therapy/counselling to deal with feelings towards mother

[Graceadlerdesigns]

Me and my dm have an outwardly ok relationship but the reality is much more complicated. She has the ability to make me feel so frsutrated and stupid- like i am 15 all over again.

Therapy for us both wouldn't work (she is never wrong and can't discuss things without going on the attack verbally) but i am now wondering if therapy or counselling just for me might help? Is there a decent self help book? Has anyone done somethinh like this and was it at all successful?
I need to find some coping mechanisms to save my sanity.

I have been in counselling for sometime 're my father. It has been a learning and incredibly tough emotionally but I am glad I am doing it. I would recommend but be prepared for some heart ache along the way.
Good luck op x

Have you continued your relationship with your ddad or cut contact? I am scared that therapy will make me step away. In lots of ways she is a good mum, loads of ways really, but there is always the threat of emotional blackmail looming if she doesnt get her way, or being given the silent treatment.

This weekend i made the mistake of making a sarcastic comment at her expense. It was petty and unkind on my part. But rather than call me out on it, so i can apologise and hopefully resolve the issue, i am getting 1 word responses to questions and she is shutting down conversations she would otherwise happily engage in. It all feels so stupid.

Sounds like therapy might be useful to you. It won't necessarily make you pull away from her but it can help.you set some healthy boundaries and avoid negative cycles of behaviour (like the one you are in now).

"In lots of ways she is a good mum, loads of ways really, but there is always the threat of emotional blackmail looming if she doesnt get her way, or being given the silent treatment".

How is she a good mum to you?.

So she is infact not a good mum then. Emotionally healthy parents really do not treat their adult children like you are being treated. You mention emotional blackmail and the silent treatment you get is really another form of emotional abuse.

Therapy for your own self would be a good idea but you need to find someone who fits in with your approach. Interview such people carefully before deciding.

I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationship pages and look at the reading material suggested on that thread too.

I did it and it helped a lot. We had a very codependent relationship and counselling taught me to set new boundaries. It was well worth it and we have a good relationship now.

Thanks for your replies. Materially she is very giving- she helped me when i was made redundant and also assisted me financially by paying our fees (we were moving closer to them for full disclosure).
She also dotes on the grandchildren particularly the younger ones

She doesn't have any friends- she is v judgemental about lifestyles she doesn't understand, fattist etc so i can see why. My df asks us to "humour" her. I think she is a very mixed up person. She had an awful childhood herself so no model of how to behave. She is nc with both of her parents and has several siblings but only speaks to one (by email).
Reading it back in black n white it sounds so strange but we have been raised as though its normal!

Have you apologised?

I had counselling to help me move on from narcissistic mother with whom I am no contact, I was feeling stuck in the past and like I was 15 again, like you say. It helped me hugely to let go, I carried a lot of guilt about things even though she was the emotionally abusive one. But even if you want to maintain contact, counselling can help you get perspective and set good boundaries. Can also recommend Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents. Good luck.

I haven't apologised... its hard to explain but basically my dm will turn it on me ...
'Sorry for what?'
'Well, i was about sarcie over x. It was childish of me and i'm sorry'
"Oh fgs you are such a drama queen. Why is everything aboit you..." etc.

I was out of line and i would love to give a sincere apology but i have been down that path before.

I will look up the bool sallyanne. I feel loads of guilt too. Its as though my parents built their lives around me and dsis. Not healthy.

What are your expectations from a 'mother'? How do you think a 'mother' should behave? Are they realistic? It's interesting you say "in lots of ways she is a good mum, in many ways". She is just a person, she will get things right and she will get things wrong, you won't always agree on everything and at times you may even have arguments but that doesn't mean she is wrong, unreasonable, difficult, narcissistic. She is allowed to hold different views to you, she is allows to do things differently to you. You are two different people and in exactly the same you you may find your DP/friends/work colleagues annoying, irritating, disagree with them etc the relationship with your parents is no different.

You also mention you feel your parents built their lives around you and DSIS which you don't feel is healthy. Perhaps your mum's upbringing means she has overcompensated in trying to give you and DSIS the upbringing she never had and has made you both the centre of her world because she never was with her own parents and that has impacted on her.

I think when you feel that talking about something will probably mean you have to end it completely/step away, that's the time when therapy will do most good. Therapy doesn't force you to do anythign, you won't have to step away, but at the moment it seems you can't imagine the relationship actually becoming better. Therapy can help that shift occur.

Lost you may be onto sonething regarding how she was parented compared to her parenting ... however i find it even more interesting that you mention narcissism (i didn't) and state that she is 'allowed' to hold different views to me?! Of course she is!

I think therapy with someone that works well for you could be a really good idea, especially if this relationship is taking a lot of your mental energy. It could help you articulate what you feel, and how you can best manage the relationship from your side of things.

Your mum isn't your marriage partner and I agree you don't have to go with her to therapy - you may not need to arrive at a shared view of the relationship. At this stage, maybe you just need to work out how to live your life happily, and what that means in terms of your mother's role in it.