No authority?

[Bubblylikechampers]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but even still it's a long one!

I have three children 8,11 and 15.

5 years ago I fled the home I shared with their dad due to feeling in immediate danger after a row which looked likely to escalate into violence. For context, the 16 years we were together he was emotionally abusive and controlling. I am a lot younger than him, he was my first relationship and I didn't really understand what was happening until the few years leading up to me leaving.

My mistake was that I didn't report this (and previous incidents) at the time. I was too scared. In hindsight it would have dived many of the problems I face today.

So here we are now, me and my three children suffer with mild to moderate mental health issues. My youngest son and my daughter have high anxiety, both me and my eldest son suffer with mild depression and anxiety. We are all under the GP and getting help.

After a lot of legal advice, families first intervention (I'd contacted Social Services on 3 occasions with concerns about my children's well-being in their dads care- they said it was a Families First matter as it was down to me to protect my children), police intervention and meetings with their schools and GP's, it seems that I have no hope of having full custody of my children. I have been told that while the situation is far from ideal, it is not enough to stop their dad having access.

After all these years of battling, although I'm not happy with it, I have accepted there is little I can do. While the children are still nervous of upsetting him and walk on egg shells around him, they still love him and still choose to see him. My ex has got better in some respects (a little more patient and less shouting then usual) but there is no doubt in my mind that he is still contributing to their mental health problems.

My latest concern is my 15 year old son. We live in London and as anyone knows it is not the safest place for kids. However, my ex will not allow my kids to be anywhere without supervision. He takes the eldest to and from secondary school, will not allow him out with friends, will not allow him to get a haircut or go to the corner shop on his own etc.

Now this looks like it comes from a place of love and worry - but it is not. This is the man who dragged my daughter through a car park on holiday and told her he'd leave her there to die (she was playing up), the man who mentally abused his kids with fat jibes, withdrawing affection and so on.

It simply is down to the fact than their dad I believe, has undiagnosed mental health issues. He has lost his job, lost his friends and sits in 7 days a week watching YouTube videos of conspiracies etc (he makes no secret if this btw) he doesn't trust the government and thinks they are poisoning our children. Therefore he will not allow them to be immunised, or have there fingerprints for the biometric ID at schools

He fuels my daughters anxieties by telling her extreme views of what's 'really' going on in the world and not offering her information in which she can rationalise it in her mind.

Anyway, back to my 15 year old..
He wants to have. Normal social life. He is so far a very sensible and well balance teenager who has never given us any reason to worry.
I said to him, that on the days he is with me, if he wants to walk back from school or go out with friends, so long as he keeps me informed than he is allowed. He said he won't relax as if his dad finds out he will go mad. Therefore he said he has to accept he can't do these things. I told him I'd tell his dad that I give my consent on my days, therefore he does not have to lie. But he panicked and said he feels to nervous.

I'm so sad for my son. He is missing out on important social skills and a childhood because his confidence is knocked and he is too scared to stand up to his dad. It breaks my heart as I look at him and see me (when i was with his dad) in him. I'm also fuming that his dad still gets to control everyone including me. He is effectively making it so that the only one with true authority as a parent is him.

What the hell do I do? My ex is unreasonable to the point that he will not listen to anyone, will dismiss any facts I may point in his direction etc. It simply is his way only.

The school, police, GP, CAHMs, Social Services and Families First are all aware of the history. I feel like I've nowhere to go now.

Read your post with great sympathy. You're really up against it. However I have no expertise in the areas on which you need advice. But I don't want to read and run, so have some .

Realistically, if your son never wanted to see his father again, he doesn't have to. At his age, no court is going to be able to force it.

I appreciate he may want to maintain contact, but he should know that he absolutely doesn't have to. And it doesn't have to be overnights, or weekends - he can call him, see him for lunch at a weekend, etc. Maybe a slow withdrawal might be in his interests?

As it turns out I do have useful advice to offer (slaps forehead). Some years ago, a friend's two DS who were about 13 and 16 decided they really didn't want to see their alcoholic dad any more. So she stopped sending them and eventually her Ex sent a solicitor's letter demanding to see the DSs

The boys replied to the letter saying they had a miserable time during access visits and that the decision to cease contact was theirs, not their DM's. In their case, dad would take them to the pub or leave them behind and then, once he was drunk he'd tell them they were little shits and other belittling insults.

They sent the letter off in fear and trembling, and they never heard from him again. The solicitor must have told the bloke he didn't stand a chance.

Thanks Patricia. We both realise this is the case and I've told him countless times he doesn't have to go there. However, the problem with mental abuse is that my son feels responsible for his dads loneliness and guilty if he doesn't go. He's been mentally worn down just like I was once. No amount of me telling my son will change that.

Thanks Prawn. It's a tough one alright!!

Wow Prawn I guess that worked well in the end (although Dad circumstances for the children).

As I said just now, my kids have been conditioned. They feel guilt if they don't go. They actually say they want to go. But have admitted before that they feel sorry for him.

He blows hot and cold and I think they are always looking for his approval and have learned if they behave a certain way they have less chance of getting in trouble.

I can't think of a better way to explain but it's a bit like those relationships between a victim and her abductor (can't think of the term?) where they care about them and no one can quite understand!

As a parent/adult I can see their dad brings nothing positive to them and know that without him in their life their mental well-being will improve dramatically. But as children they won't see or understand that yet. To be fair, I didn't even see it as an adult until I got out of it.

Also, a few years ago I decided the children wouldn't go to him (we have no legal documents stating who has what days). I informed him of this and the reasons why.

He turned up at school to collect them everyday meaning I had to keep getting there earlier and earlier.

If wasn't practical in the end (I work) and it wasn't good for the children.

He is a VERY stubborn and unreasonable man.

You're absolutely right, Bubbly. Your DC are like hostages. They seek to please him even when they know he's not a good man or a good dad.

Sadly, there's little you can do to protect them while they're still seeing him.

What I would do in your shoes would to be very explicit about actions and feelings. Say of course you love him. Of course you don't want him to get angry. And tell your DC that what their DF is asking isn't fair or healthy and if that if they ever do reach the point where they want to dig their heels in that you will have their back.

There is bound to be emotional damage but you can reduce it by making yourself extra clear in your own reactions. Say what you see happening. This provides your DC with critical thinking skills so they can understand what's happening underneath the surface - the manipulation, abusiveness, etc.

Thank you so much Prawn!

It's such a shame. Due to my job, I am very clued up with child protection and have training every couple of years. I spot all the signs and yet it doesn't apply to me as in the eyes of Social Services, I am the one that has to protect my child.

I get that. However, given that he won't accept when I say he can't see the children until he makes changes and given that I have paid s fortune in legal fees only to be advised by my solicitor that if it went to court, it is highly likely that he will get some form of custody and possibly 50/50 if he wanted it. Then I fail to see how I can actually protect them?

My big mistake was not going to the police when he was threatening violence (was sometimes mildly violent towards me in the end of our relationship). I think I would have stood a better chance. Now it's just hear say 😕.

Even if I did chance it and take it to court, the children would say they did want to see their dad too.

Because he is not physically violent towards them, the children just see him as Dad that gets angry easily. But they are use to that and they have learned how to minimise that by behaving a certain way.

On his weekends they don't go out of the house. I picked them up this Sunday and despite the gorgeous weather, they had been inside since Friday after school on devices. It's just so wrong.

Bump

Desperate here for more advice!!

The best advice I can give you is to start encouraging your DC to see this man as a pathetic, contemptible bully rather than someone whose good opinion they need to fight for., He's clearly an absolute prick - you can put it to DC that he's not quite right in his mind and that's why he's so unreasonable. Maybe look into some stuff about angry, inadequate, controlling men and why they behave the way they do, and share this stuff with your DC.

Because he's a shit, and they would be better off having no contact with him, so what you need to do is undermine their relationship with him as much as possible. They are all old enough now to have their views taken into account if they want nothing to do with him.