DP AND I have been together nearly 3 years. So as not to drip feed we have a 1 year old DS. Up till this year things have been great. We've always been close, been able to talk to each other about anything, always been there for the other and stuck out the bad times as well as enjoyed the good.
What changed was this:
In late Oct/early Nov last year DP started getting I'll. It got worse an worse. Extreme exhaustion, huge weight loss and total loss of appitite. After being on at him about it, he finally went to the doctor. To cut a long story short he was admitted to hospital and after three weeks was diagnosed with stage four cancer. The good news was it was 80 percent treatable. So he started chemo and I was with him at every appointment and every test. I was with him every day in hospital from 1pm till 7pm where I would leave to pick our baby up who was being looked after by my dad.
A few months into this, about March, my grandmother who had dementia moved from Yorkshire up to where we are. She was in and out of hospital from March up.until.earlier this month where she died. There was some horrible malpractice at one of the hospitals, which has resulted in a investigation.
Throughout this her dementia deteriated rapidly until earlier this month when she died. Thankfully I was with her when she did so I know it was peaceful.
Shortly after DGrandmother moved up and DP was undergoing an intense chemo regime, my maternal grandfather who lives abroad fell very I'll. Where he is the healthcare is all private and self referred so his wife was literally kicking down doors to get things done.
Anyway DP finished his chemo and while we are waiting for his scan, his consultant has said she is confident that the cancer is gone. A few weeks after this my grandmother died. DM was abroad when this happened (sunday) helping her Ill father. (My maternal grandparents got divorced 40 years ago m paternal grandparents died before I was born/when I was very young.) Day after she died I helped my dad and sister clear out the flat. I don't think the death had hit me then. Three days after her death I flew abroad to see my grandad (flights had been booked for months and I couldn't cancel on his wife such last minute.) DP took DS to his sisters when I went abroad as he isn't fully back up to his strength. I came back after four days and my sister flew out after me (they only have two bedrooms so couldn't all fly out at once).
Funeral was Tuesday just gone. Since granny died DP has been going into himself more. He told me straight up from the beginning that he was struggling to come to terms with the cancer and keeps having flash backs about it. In a sense he is just trying to understand it and come to terms with it. Having had a major illness in my life I completely get this. However since the night granny died, he seems to have changed. As have I if I'm honest. He tends to get annoyed over anything and everything. Hes got annoyed a few times at my having to go out most days to clear the flat/help arrange the funeral/see my grandfather and travel for the funeral. Hes also admited he knows he was wrong to do this. He also seems to be refusing to go out anywhere or spend time with my or DS. (Though to be fair in the past few days he has made a concentrated effort to change this) and is closing in on himself. Previous to the cancer, his patience and kindness were his strongest points.
Since granny died I've been getting much more angry myself. I've been trying to deal with it on my own (as I know he's going through having been there myself years ago) be a parent, carry on sorting the house out and basically being an adult. Which I get. Im.a parent first and foremost. The world doesn't stop turning just because someone died. But in this case my grandmother raised me in my formative years while my parents both had high jobs. She loved me and supported me in everything and I loved her with everything I had.
Coupled with the Cancer I don't know how much grief a relationship can take. We're both grieving, were both trying to hold on to each other. We're both angry and scared. We both have started to verbally snap or lash out at each other. We're as bad as each other. He closes in on himself while I snap.
For the record all this anger only started just before she died. It was slightly there before but as I've had illness myself I knew how to handle that part. However I've never really lost someone I'm close to before so I don't really know what I'm doing or feeling.
For every argument we've had up till now we've ended up talking it through. Till tonight.
Tonight it all blew up. I know I'm incredibly angry. I know when DS is around I can distract myself and enjoy him. But I also know I'm spending a lot of time on my phone and not playing with him as much as I should. This has been brought up a few times since DP was diagnosed with cancer and came home in Feb. I don't know why I do, I feel guilty for it. He was honest and said I was on here more than I should be. My guilt kicked in and I snapped that I know I'm a bad mum. That I should be playing more for DS than I am, but that as I'm doing everything I can while doing everything I can to not fall apart. Things were said back and forth on both sides, which ended in him saying he was going to bed. I said I'd follow. He huffed and went out. An hour later I'm here writing this up in our living room.
I'm terrified the cancer wont have gone with DP. I'm so so scared of losing him. Hes terrified it's not gone either. Hes terrified of contracting an infection as his immune system is so low. Hes struggling and so am I.
I don't believe either of us meant what was said tonight and I feel miles better for getting it written down. It's long so apologies for that if you've got this far.
I just think I need a handheld and reassurance it'll get better. DP thinks I need to talk to someone about my anger.
I don't I think.im.just grieving. Hes already in the process of getting referred by his specilist to see a phycotherapist so at least that's one of us on the way.
I don't know what I am asking. If anyone's been through anything similar did you make it through? Or did the grief tear down your relationship? We're meant to be getting married next year. I had only got off the phone to my friend about my hen party three hours before this all blew up.
If you got this far thank you. Any replied appriciated