Hello, this is my first post. I’m after some perspective and a hand hold too, please. If it wasn’t for my children I don’t think I’d be able to get up each day.
I’ve been raised by my grandparents, my DM led a chaotic life of drugs, alcohol, various men (including my school friends’ fathers), I also found her in bed with a woman. She met a man who was diagnosed as a sociopath and the police warned her about this but she still took him in. What followed was a horrendous relationship characterised by sexual, physical and emotional abuse - all witnessed by myself and my younger sisters. She was imprisoned for burglary (as was he), I was taken in by GPs whilst my sisters went into care. This severed our bond.
I have never felt a maternal bond with DM. I was born out of a one night stand and she’d had the three of us by three men by the time she was 21. I’d spent most weekends with GP’s so moving in permanently aged 8 years felt like a normal transition.
Living with my GPs was idyllic, I was loved and cared for and had all the toys, clothes, warmth and food that I wanted and needed. Now that I am a parent and have studied Child Protection, attachments, siblings bonds etc I am appalled that no intervention was made for me to see my siblings or for my DM to receive parenting support. Maybe it would be different now, 30 years later.
It all changed when GF died when I was a teenager. I was sent to live with DM, who by this point was living in another town after being evicted for letting her BF into the refuge. She was drinking heavily and her BF was still abusive.
I changed schools and on my first day, was cornered by a group of girls who laughed at seeing my mum and boyfriend having sex at the train station.
DM’s BF died of a heroin overdose and she became depressed - this came out in anger and she beat us often. After threatening to kill me, I escaped and the police took me back to my GM’s but my sisters stayed with DM.
From the age of 13 onwards, my only company was food as GM worked long hours. On the nights she wasn’t at work, she’d go to bingo. She worked on Christmas Days until 10pm and I was a very lovely, sad teenager. Whilst school friends shopped at New Look or Tammy, I could only shop at Bon Marche as I couldn’t fit into trendy clothes.
My first boyfriend came when I was 15 and he was 31. He was addicted to heroin and in a relationship. I had never felt loved or attractive before and I was obsessed with him for six years. Over that time, his girlfriend moved out and I moved in. It was a squalor of drugs and people hanging out in between drug raids. I worked full time and he would demand my wages. Whilst friends my age were at college, going to concerts or dating I was hiding needles or begging for food from work because he’d taken my money. At 20, I became pregnant, foolishly wanting a little family. He never changed and I gave birth on my own. I felt empty when my DD was placed on the bed.
It was a traumatic birth as she had shoulder dystocia. We were housed on a social housing estate with a reputation, high crime rates, lots of drinking and fighting each weekend. I couldn’t budget my benefits and my DD was feeding every two hours. I started to hear voices to push her in front of cars and I tried to end her life. I snapped out of this fog and walked into the baby clinic and was sectioned.
Over the years, I struggled to cope. She lived with me, I bathed her daily, kept her clean and fed and safe but I was empty inside. My GM cared for her most days whilst I threw myself into minimum wage jobs and poor relationships.
My GM became obsessed with DD; I’d beg her not to give her sweets because I didn’t want her to struggle with her weight like I did. I explained this to GM but I’d look through the window after dropping DD off only to find GM laughing and getting out the ‘treat box’. I’d cry all the way to work. One Christmas Eve, I worked until 10pm and said I’d pick DD up after work and take her home. She said “no, that’s too late, she can sleep here”. I agreed to be at her house by 7am and begged her not to open gifts before then. I arrived just before 7am to find DD had opened all her gifts already.
I didn’t feel I could stick up to GM as she had been DD’s carer when I couldn’t be a mother.
It felt like she was her mother and I was more an aunt or older sister. She had taken me in as a child and I felt guilty for standing up to her. She’d cry or put the phone down.
In 2010, I met a man and fell in love. He became controlling. He never punched or hit me, but he would scream at me during car journeys that I was a terrible mother, useless etc. When I was 8 months pregnant, I had developed thrush and went to see the nurse. On return, he pulled my trousers down to look down below, turned me to face the wall and had sex with me. Then spent the day saying “you enjoyed that”. When our child was five days old, I went for a bath as my breasts were sore. He screamed that I was selfish as he’d just put a frozen pizza in the oven. This carried on until when our child was 17 months old, he threw me out of the car 9 miles from home (we lived rurally) and sped off with my DS screaming in the back of the car. I took the children to live in a refuge.
My DM and siblings didn’t support me over the years despite us all living nearby. But once they heard I was in the refuge they started leaving voicemails calling me a selfish mother. They would go to my ex-partner’s home to drink with him, or to the pub together or he would decorate for them. He is a very clever manipulative man.
He had photocopied my diary (in which I wrote about lack of bonding with my children) and kept these copies for months until I went to the refuge and he showed them to the social services stating that I was too unstable to be a mother. So began court hearings for nearly a year, three mental health assessments and the children being placed on the At Risk register. The refuge staff had to observe my parenting daily too and it was all so suffocating.
I stayed strong and eventually he was awarded EOW, the professionals concluded my mental health was a result of the DV and my childhood and the Social Services closed the case.
Through this period, my family had been to his home to read the confidential papers. Not one phone call or text did I receive to check that we were ok - on birthdays nor Christmas. We were living miles from home in a refuge with three other families. No one sat with me during the court hearings and when I text my DM on Mother’s Day 2014 to tell her that I loved her, she didn’t reply but went for a meal with my sisters.
Whilst we lived in the refuge, the staff told me that they thought my GM was controlling me as she phoned a minimum of five times a day. She would cry with my DD (9 years) on the phone and say “you don’t love me”. She’d beg me to tell her where we were. I gave in and she told her friends. Crying with them in the shops. It got back to my ex partner where we were. But still, I’ve always felt in debt to her for taking me in as a child and for caring for my DD.
Eventually, we were housed in a new county and I started to build a new life. I returned to education, my children settled into school and the nursery. My GM would phone our house every day, sometimes crying about how lonely and depressed she was now we had moved away. I no longer needed her now that I was stronger and she was upset. I’d invite her to stay with us even though I was studying for my degree and caring for my children. I was exhausted and she has poor mobility, didn’t help out with housework or children so it was extra work.
One weekend, I had just had our carpet laid and my DD had a bottle of pop. I asked her to drink it in the kitchen but she would always be cheeky in front of my GM and wouldn’t do as she was told. The bottle slipped and the drink went all over the carpet, I told her off and noticed my GM was rubbing her back. I cried at feeling undermined and went to get a towel to come back and find GM whispering in DD’s ear.
When she came to stay, I was always expected to pay for food, days out, treats and travel as we live near a busy town with lots to do. She would snap at my youngest DS whilst my DD could do no wrong. She’d complain my house was too cold/too hot, children too spoilt, too many toys etc. It was always a relief to see her go home.
As my DD got her own phone, GM started phoning her whilst she was at school. Then up to three times between DD leaving school at 3pm and arriving home at 4pm. If DD didn’t answer, GM would ring my mobile or the house phone - all just to speak to DD. Often, DD would cry in frustration. Many times I told GM that she had developed an unhealthy obsession with DD, that we had a new life now and I wanted to raise my children alone. She would cry and say she was better off dead so I’d always feel guilty and apologise.
She’d do this as a teenager and say I’d put her in a grave because I caused her so much stress.
In April 2017, DD fell in with a wrong crowd at school and was arrested for shoplifting. She would steal from me, punch holes in doors, hit her brother, threaten me, always in detention at school. I was studying for my MA at the time and begged for help from school, youth justice, Social Services etc but she would refuse any engagement. GM would send DD money or phone credit despite me reminding her constantly that it was rewarding DD’s behaviour.
It all came to a head this Easter and after being told off for another detention DD packed her bags and went to stay with GM. I was hoping she’d realise she’d misbehaved and come home but she is still there. Where GM would phone here up to three times a day, she’s phoned three times since Easter.
GM has told her friends that I was always angry and stressed with DD because of my studies and that she can finally be a child now she’s living away from me. I send her Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits each month along with extras for food, clothes, spending money - whatever DD needs, goes into GM’s bank.
Both children had their birthdays this month and I took them away for three days as a joint treat. I used their Child Benefit and Child Tax credits to pay for our food, spending money, souvenirs there (I have paid more than I am legally obliged to over the last three months and thought it would be ok to do this for this month only).
Two days after we returned, I received a letter from GM saying she shouldn’t have to pay for our trip and could I put more money in her bank. It has thrown me - I have kept receipts for all transfers and I have paid her twice more than I should, each month, since Easter. I’ve sent food deliveries as DD has packed lunches at school, bought her clothes for summer, stationary and pay for her to attend a sports club.
I was so angry and hurt by GM that I picked up the phone and contacted my DM. I’ve not spoken to her for years and it has opened up a can of worms. DM told me that she has always been afraid of GM. As a child, GM was the youngest of two for ten years until her youngest sibling came along and her life changed. She couldn’t go to play as she had to babysit and when she found work at 19 as a nanny in the city, she was stopped by her mother as she had to stay home and care for her young sibling so her parents could work.
GM married my GF to get away from her parents and they had three children; two boys and my DM. The middle child was GM’s favourite whilst she was cold and unaffectionate with my DM. When DM started her periods aged 8 years, GM threw the packet of sanitary pads at her with no cuddles or explanation. She was never told that she was loved. She was born with red hair and GM would often tell her that she wished she had sat on DM at birth.
My GF had an affair with GM’s best friend but she had to stay in the marriage due to a lack of support for women in the 70’s and the stigma. This, combined with her deep resentment for having to put her life on hold to care for her younger sibling has made my GM a very bitter woman. She does not like men, has no empathy or compassion for siblings being together, and favourites one child from every generation. This has caused so much pain to the brothers and sisters whom were left out.
DM told me that she would visit me to GM’s house and would see me with all the latest toys, my sisters had to sit in the garage with DM and were not allowed to go into the house or play with anything.
My DM has stitches in her neck after a recent operation and has been diagnosed with M.S. She never met anyone after her partner died in ‘97 and she’s been addicted to methadone since. She said that GM would visit her and make her cry by criticising her home, too messy, why is she decorating again, what is she doing with her money etc. She has never been caring or loving to DM. I wonder if this is why DM was promiscuous and searching for love in the wrong places - like I did?
Of my two sisters, both are in abuisve relationships and one has substance misuse issues. I have cousins but we do not speak. So I have one child who does not live with me, one other child who’s father continues to bully us but at least I do not live near him anymore. My DD however now lives in the same area as him. I have no family support.
From the outside I seem strong and brave, I’ve completed a BSc and MA whilst caring for two children without any support and still being subjected to abuse from previous partner. He has often missed contact, turned up drunk, refused to collect DS from handover, shouts and is aggressive. He has had many relationships but I’ve been single for 7 years.
On the recent trip, my DD confided that if it wasn’t for DS she’d still live with me and that life was good before he came along. She wants us to move back to our old county where she could stay over. However, I don’t want to be near my ex or GM.
My DM is very sick and I cry and mourn the mother I never had. Friends on FB praise their parents for helping with childcare, shopping, decorating or DIY. I have no one. My home is in need of repair and everything I own came from charity shops.
I have a job. I should be happy but I feel broken. I’m 35, I binge eat for comfort, I miss my DD and I am traumatised by my family. Where do I go from here? Apologies for such a long post and thank you for reading.