What does he want?!

[daisy247]

There’s so much to this but I’ll try and keep it brief. Only been seeing the boyfriend for about 12 weeks, we got on great from the first date, lots in common, similar values, etc. and both want someone for the long term rather than just a bit of fun or FWB. We are both mature and at our age you don’t mess about, lol. He has kids, is going through a tough divorce but is a really nice guy.

We had a difference in opinion last week and he ended up saying that he does not know if he can give me everything I need. All I really need is someone to love and to love me...and someone who has time for me.

The L word came out a few weeks ago but from about day three he has said he adores me. I know it’s early days but we have got on brilliantly and after a few weeks started talking about a future together. We know so much about each other, we have spent hours and hours chatting about life.

He is moving closer to me (after the divorce) and has recently put in an offer on a house not far away. That is still happening but since the ‘difference in opinion’, he has distanced himself from me. We are still texting and chatting on the phone but it’s mainly to do with his cow of a wife and the pressure she is putting on him to give her more and more money. There are no loving or flirty texts anymore.

His time is spent between taxiing the kids around, working full time and doing his hobbies at weekends. This leaves very little time for us to be together. Whilst I appreciate that he is busy, my problem is that if we don’t invest in our relationship (and each other) then we won’t have anything left at the end.

I am very loving and giving and find myself fitting in to ‘as and when’ he can see me. I do have a life but I really want it to be with him if at all possible. He knows this. Is he just using me to get through his horrible divorce? He isn’t messing around with other women and seems very genuine however I’m getting fed up being on the back burner all the time. I’m also worried about the impact our argument has had on the relationship. It seems that he was sure about me and now isn’t? There isn’t a crystal ball but I’d really value people’s opinions on this.

He wants a regular shag without the emotional investment.

To me it sounds like you want more of his time, and he doesn't feel like he's got any more time to give. Hence his comment about not being able to give you what you want. He's under stress with the divorce and you are beginning to feel like another stress in his life. It's not your fault or his, except that he isn't ready to date and shouldn't have been so full on.

What age are you both? Not sure you arw on the same page..after a long marriage and children why do you think he wants to long-term, even if he said it at the outset?
I think he might want to "mess about"

Your comments about his wife is horriblw and you reall6 don't know the full story.

Love at a few weeks isn't real as you really need to know someone and 12 weeks is nothing.

Slow down, don't assume this is longterm until he is divorced.

Lol @ PickAChew...I did suspect this and I fell for the ‘this is the best sex ever’ line! That said, he has been with one partner for 20 years and their sex life wasn’t great or particularly adventurous.

Thank you RainySeptember. I fully appreciate he hasn’t got much spare time but if he hasn’t got time for a relationship then he shouldn’t have started one with me. I don’t want to just be the ‘fall guy’ as it will be my heart that is broken if he is (hopefully not) just using me to get through his divorce. I try not to pressure him and have let him do what he wants, when he wants and hope he will come back to me in time.

lifebegins50...we are both in our 50’s, funnily enough, lol. About his wife, I know for a fact that she has hit him in front of the kids, I know she has had affairs. One of the children does not want to live with her after the divorce because of this. I call her a cow but he says much worse. I don’t get involved in their conflict. He has lovely children and is such a good father to them. He has been very open and honest with me from the outset. Yes, it has all been a bit of ‘too much too soon’ with us but I want to put this right, without being purely a security blanket for him. I have slowed down, he has too. I’m just not sure how to go forward with the relationship.

OP - I am sorry - your post doesn’t read as if it were written by someone in her 50s.
You sound like a young and inexperienced person. And a bit naive.

A man, who has been married, and is going through a tough divorce CANT possibly be ready for a new relationship. And if he is talking about long-term with you after only 12 weeks - at best he is dreaming/fantasising.
Adoring isn’t the same as loving, and as others said - it’s too early for love. In general, and given his life-stage.
Him calling his ex a cow and worse - really is only his side. You haven’t been in that marriage - you have NO idea.

Needing to have someone to love / be loved - is a nice romantic idea. Back in planet earth - life also needs to work on many other, practical levels.

I don’t know what your disagreement was about, but relationship doesn’t break down because of a ‘difference in opinion’.
Are you sure - all you imagined is going on - is what HE thought was going on?

Any sort of future with this man - will require a lot of patience. Just because he’ll need to go through his divorce, and then deal with it; on all kinds of levels, and then - maybe be ready to have a proper relationship.
If you want to take a chance with him - you’ll need to be patient.

Maybe be didn't realise how serious a relationship you wanted and now he doesnt think he can meet your needs.

He's not divorced yet and is unlikely to want another serious relationship so soon.

He wants an easy going relationship where you fill his spare time...you want more.

It's probably just bad timing.

Run a mile. More red flags than Karl Marx' stag night. 'My ex wife what a cunt' usually means a man's a misogynist or abuser.
Madly in love with you after a fortnight can also be an abuse indicator. Or a silly fantasist.
Sulking over a disagreement- you will learn to obey and give in to him all the time or suffer the consequences.
'Dick is abundant and low value' - this man isn't worth the aggro, look for another one.

MMmomDD. Thank you, I must be a bit naive even though I’ve gone through two divorces myself. I’m naturally sceptical but this felt right from the outstart. I did, however, wonder if he was on the rebound but he assures me they split over a year before we met. The wife has a boyfriend and they live together.

I have an idea of how things were as the kids have witnessed the wife’s behaviour but I am keeping out of it. I’m fine to ‘be there’ for him but that is it. I know for sure that he has been more than accommodating with regard to the future of his kids and the financial future of his wife, with all her luxuries paid for. I have seen evidence of this.

He did say that he needs me to be patient but all I took from this is that he needs someone to support him whilst he goes through his divorce. I am worth more than that and need a proper relationship. This is my worry.

He idealised you and put you on a pedestal when you behaving well and it was all so perfect and Meant To Be. Then you disagreed with him on something and off you tumbled from that pedestal. It will never again be what it was, because what it was, wasn't real. This is a very big red flag and this is what toxic people do. As soon as your "perfection" disappeared his feelings began to fade. You should end it, but you won't and this will limp on for months with you desperately striving to make things what they were. It's not possible.

Have you met his kids after only 12 weeks? And they've talked to you about their Mum and her behaviour? I ask this as you say you know what he says about her is true as the kids witnessed it. How do you know this?

I’ve met his kids and he has met my son. I know it’s very early days but we all get on well together. I’m not sure either of us are toxic. As you get older you get a better idea of what you want in life and because we get on so well, we want it to work. It’s probably that he thought he was in love with me but has had an awakening as he doesn’t like arguments. Perhaps it reminded him of his previous relationship? I probably should walk away but I’m reluctant to throw away something so good. I know it can’t be like it was in the beginning, it never is.

He's not even divorced yet. I think you are putting a lot of pressure on him to be a full-on boyfriend, and he's probably just not ready yet.

Yes, of course his time is limited as his children are (or should be) his priority.

I don't think you have to chuck the towel in completely, but maybe just take a step back and ease off a bit. Also be wary. The sulking because you had a difference of opinion is a massive red flag.

I'm amazed he thought he was ready for a new relationship while he is still going through what sounds like an acrimonious divorce.

I don't like him slagging of his ex-wife to you, that's always a red flag for me, but more importantly it sounds to me as though he has way too much on his plate at the moment to give a new relationship the attention it and you deserve.

I would be stepping right back & seeing if he pursues. If he is keen and genuinely interested in you as a person, then he'll come after you, if he only wants an ear to bend with his divorce woes, then he probably won't and you have your answer.

You're lying that you don't get involved. The vitriol for a woman you've never met and your blind loyalty to a man you've known is clear in your opinion of his ex when in truth you know only one side of the story. That's worrying at 50 odd and after two divorces you should know better. What is your rush. The guy probably wants a gf because his wife already has a new partner. You're a perfect girlfriend as long as you're not causing stress. He sounds like he has a full life and doesn't need or want a proper relationship, just one 'for show'. I'd move on.

You say "I know it can't be like it was in the beginning" - this IS the beginning! It's 12 weeks!

However well you thought you knew him, however well you seemed to get on, you are now discovering more of what he is like. There are plenty of red flags now flying, at what should really be the 'honeymoon period'. He's shown you who he is. Do you like what you see? Cos it's never gonna get any better than it is right now - it's downhill all the way from here

A new relationship is always flowers and rainbows and kittens to start with. "You like fun? I also like fun, we are perfect together!"
Now he's seen a tiny bit of a real person, you havent agreed on something, and he's probably seesawed the other way to "Oh, ANOTHER woman who is arguing with me!"

This is why dating right after a relationship ending is so hard, he will still be comparing everything to how his ex-wife is and everything will seem either ecstatically better or exactly as terrible.

There are a lot of plusses to being a singleton. Take your time and make the most of them. No point rushing into something, especially as it looks like this man is cooling off.

I get that this is a case of ‘too much too soon’, totally agree with that. I don’t believe in love at first sight (although many people do) but I do believe you can strike a deep, lasting bond with someone over a period of 3 months.

He has been separated from his wife for a year or so. The divorce paperwork has taken a long time to be finalised. Surely if you’ve been living apart from your ex partner for a year you would be ready to move on? My first divorce took longer than that to finalise and it was extremely acrimonious. It was complicated because our child was involved and I didn’t want to rush into any quick fix agreements. I don’t think many people wait until the divorce is through before they go dating again?

We don’t sit and slag his ex off all the time. He shares his problems which he needs to do for his sanity. I have formed an opinion which is human nature.

The idea that he wanted someone long-term came from him, not me. I’ve been bitten enough times to be extremely cautious with men. I haven’t dated anyone for a long time. For some reason this feels right. I will detach myself from the situation and see what happens. If he only wants me on his terms or just for show, then it simply isn’t worth it. Thanks everyone.

You can’t blame him for pulling back, he has an awful lot in his plate and now feels under pressure to please you

What you say you ‘only’ want is a bit huge scary thing and he has a lot of unresolved marital problems. He probably isn’t half as ready as you. Do you think you might be a bit hopelessly romantic in your expectations and maybe this man isn’t ready?

OP, if he's still going through a divorce, then he's not ready - no matter whether he's been separated for a year.

In fact, his rush towards you and the pace at which you've conducted your relationship only reinforces this. Be prepared for him to break it off. He's not ready - and sometimes we avoid the pain and the unknown by filling it with something that feels meaningful at first, but then reveals itself not to be the solution that we were wanting. (Nothing ever will be, btw.)

This is more than likely the real him. You're making excuses for his change of behaviour but the chances are that this is what he's really like. I'm really surprised that a woman of your (and my) age with two divorces behind you is so eager to jump out of the frying pan into the fire.

Stopped reading at 'his cow of a wife' comment

I really do feel for you. I have been separated over a year and dating a man that has been separated only since Nov. He is going thro a lot of shit and I have to be patient. I think keeping the communication going is the key. If he distances himself, it's probably because he is going thro a lot of shit with his ex. I try to not make any demands. I said at the outset that I expect to see him at least twice a week although there are exceptions. I'm 50. He's 45. Both of us have been in very long term relationships and it takes a while to disentangle from them. Very hard with kids involved. If you think he is worth it, be patient with him. Let him know you are there for him. He will appreciate it and you will reap the benefits.