Am I going to have to move after divorce?

[Jonsey79]

Dh and I have been going through a rough patch for 3 years and I am finally accepting that it's probably over. He is (I think) abusive but he doesn't think he is. It's horribly complicated. The only good thing we share is that we have 2 wonderful little children.

At the risk of sounding too materialistic, one thing stopping me calling it a day is that I don't want to give up my house. I'be put into it about 40% over 10 years. I'm currently only working part time though whereas he works full time and his salary is much much larger than mine, even when I was full time. I can't afford the mortgage on my own, never mind the bills and everything else. Our eldest is at school around the corner. I want custody of the children. I love my house. I have good friends on the doorstep and I've spent a lot of time and money making it how I want. It's my children's home and I don't want to uproot them.

I'm going to have to move aren't I? It's going to be horrendous, I know. Has anyone been through similar? How bad was it? Did anyone manage to keep their house in similar circumstances?

I'm going to see a solicitor this week but just now I don't know what I'm entitled to from him. His earnings mean we're not currently eligible for any benefits whereas I probably would be on just my salary.

I'd be looking for full time work if you want to keep the house. If you still can't afford it on a full time salary with child support then yes selling would be the other option.

At some point he is going to want to purchase his own home and judges do like both parents having a clean break so they are free to move on.

You could get an agreement to stay but if you can't afford the payments then it's unlikely to be granted.

Have you discussed with him? Does he still live with you?

I moved into our new house this week. I genuinely love it.
I actually feel a bit weird because I clung onto our home for so long, but giving it up and starting fresh is really quite liberating.
There are blips, I won’t lie, but generally speaking, moving has been positive for us.
Don’t stay for the house. You’ll make your home wherever you are.
Just make sure you get your share of the equity.

The house was one reason I clung onto the marriage as long. However, he also wanted to keep it, so it had to be sold.
There are definite plus points to having moved: he cannot set foot in my new place. All my stuff is mine and holds only lovely memories, none of that "we chose this together, or we shagged in this room". I think it helped dc accept the end of the marriage, as it demarcated mummy and daddy spaces. It also let me move on more, as I would have been financially crippled if I had kept it.

I didn't keep the house. Neither did (borderline abusive) XH. Neither of us could afford the mortgage.

The DC were more sorry about losing the huge house than they were about the divorce .

I moved to a minuscule house in the same area as the marital home, with no mortage (unmortgageable, as I was a SAHM). DC are cross, but they are at least in their familar area, close to school etc. XH and I had a 'clean break', so were both able to buy tiny houses with the equity from the lovely marital home. It isn't easy, but it is ok.

Speaking as a child whose parents divorced, we had to move to a crapper area and a crapper house but life was an awful lot better living there than in a home where my parents couldn't stand each other. They didn't ever row but the silences were deafening and the atmosphere was toxic.

I know you're feeling stuck and change is difficult, but if your marriage is miserable you owe it to your children to pull the plug and take the steps needed to improve things longer term.

Go and see a solicitor with as much info as you can get and see where they think you stand. I also agree that it's worth seeing if you can up your hours or get a different job as whether or not you stay in the house you'll need to earn more to support yourself. Also find out how much child support he'll need to pay based on his earnings and a projected childcare split. It's not called custody anymore, you're looking at a shared care arrangement probably with you as the primary carer.

But at the end of the day, you're comparing bricks and mortar, however nice, to a happy life where you and your children live without the stress and anxiety of an unhappy marriage overshadowing every day.

Thanks all for talking sense. I know you're right and that staying for the house isn't the right thing to do. It's hard though - it's not my dream house but it's all the house I ever hoped for and it's in the perfect location etc. But ultimately the thought of freedom for me and the children would also be a dream come true.

We're still living together at the moment and although he knows things between us are bad, he doesn't know that I'm thinking seriously about divorce and that I've got solicitor appointments lined up etc.