Should this be it?

[confusedscared2018]

I'm asking a question that I probably already know the answer to but emotional abuse can get inside your head and make you feel like you're in the wrong and things arnt a big deal.

So iv been with oh for around 4 years and we have 1 dc. Since we have been together there have always been issues. I can't remember there ever being a time where things have been ok. He's had issues with drugs and debt because of the drugs which has left me paying for majority of things. Things have slightly improved in the fact that he does now pay towards bills however he still spends all his money leaving himself with nothing. Doesn't pay towards days out or dc clothing etc.

Iv had to really force him (that's what it's felt like) to be a helpful parent and partner as he thought that because I was on mat leave, all childcare and house hold tasks were up to me and he would freak out even if I asked him to bath dc.

His anger is a massive issue in the relationship and things are often broken or damaged when he's in a rage. He says nasty things about my appearance, my family etc.

We don't ever last longer than 2 weeks ish without these arguments and outbursts happening and they are over small things like me not giving him money or asking him to do something.

After it happens he always comes back with the apologies and promising the world but after so many times I think I need to accept that it's never going to change and it's all empty promises to just come back home. I feel guilty for dc not having her father around and having that family unit but I can't take this situation anymore.

Am I going mad or is this completely not a normal relationship in any sense? I haven't had the best role models of relationships growing up and have never had a real loving relationship. This is my only long term relationship so I have nothing to compare it to.

I know I'm rambling now and don't expect replies, it even just feels better to write some of this down. I'm scared to be a single parent.

Don't be scared to be a single parent. The peace is brilliant. It's hard work but your money and your life will be your own.

Don't feel guilty either- sounds like you will be doing your child a favour. Men like this rarely improve and it's likely to get worse IMO.

You Rennot mad at all, you are 109% correct, this relationship is not normal at all. He sounds emotionally and financially abusive.

It will be different being a single parent but as many on here say, you will soon realise your life is better without him.

Do you have a plan, do you think he will leave if you ask him?

Excuse typos! Fat fingers this morning!

Do you want to still be living like this in 5 years time? 20 year? Because he won't change - and even if he plays nice for a while, you'll always be tense and stressed, waiting for the bastard him to return. It's no way to live.

He is abusive but you know that. Do you rent could he move out.

Yes we rent but the lease is in my name. He will leave but then the messages and phone calls start going from nasty to nice to threatening to kill him self and back round again. I definitely don't want to live like this even in a years time let alone 20. Iv just been gullible and believed his talk that he will change etc but I don't think this is something he can control, it seems to be just who he is as a person.

That’s great the lease is in your name.

Make him leave. Once he’s gone make it clear that you will not put up with any abusive texts. That you will block his number and report any abuse to the police. He needs to understand he cannot control and frighten you anymore.

You are not in the slightest bit mad, he is extremely abusive.

You say you don't think he can control it, but presumably he controls himself when he's not at home? He doesn't fly into rages with anybody other than you behind closed doors?

It sounds like you have met The Persuader when you've tried to get rid of him before:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

You are right. He just says whatever eh thinks will work to get himself back into your life, and back in control of you (that is all abuse is about).

I understand wanting your child to have a father, but really I can't see anywhere in yours posts where you've described her having a father right now? It's far more destructive for a child to be living with an abusive parent, than for that parent to be gone and the child to be living in a safe, happy, stable environment.

Have you ever done the Freedom Programme? (Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk) It would help you see how abusive his behaviour is (most likely including things you've stopped noticing or haven't realised are part of the pattern of behaviour) and also what a healthy relationship is like.

It also has a section on how children are affected by living in a home where one parent is abusive, and how those children recover once that parent has left. Children are affected by an abusive parent, and pick up on, far more than most realise. Even if you think you've hidden it, or it's been directed at you not her. It will still be having a detrimental impact.

Freedom is not therapy, it's an information course. You can either do it online or at a group (or both). If you go to the groups, it's 12 weeks on a rolling programme (so you can start whenever and attend until you've done all 12), 2 hours per week - and you do not have to share anything about your life or stand up and talk in front of anybody. You can just sit and listen; gather the information they have for you and then decide what you want to do with it. (At my group we also had cake.)

Doing Freedom helped me get clarity and certainty that what was going on in my home was wrong, and that it wasn't just me overreacting or causing it. It was abusive and I was doing the right thing in protecting myself by leaving. Abusers don't change.

You won't be harming your child by removing this abusive person from her homelife, you will be protecting her and improving her future.

If you carry on on this cycle with him your life will pass you by and you’ll never have than enough to how good it is to feel free from him, and you’ll be unavailable and so never get the chance to be in a relationship that supports and nurtured you so you can be the best and happiest person you can be.

That video really does describe him. I also watched the bully one and he has traits of that too. When you step back and look at things it's surprising to see what's been going on right in front of you. Thank you ladies, these are things I needed to hear and I'm actually looking forward to living without all this added stress. It seems overwhelming to end things and be alone but I can't live like this anymore I don't even recognise who I am at times