Anniversary woes

[DesolateTonight]

NC’d because DH knows my regular nickname (not anything sinister, I just show him funny stuff sometimes).

It was our wedding anniversary yesterday. And it kind of brought a lot of things I have been feeling for a while to a head.

It’s no one major thing. A lot of things really. Miss matched sex drives we just can’t quite seem to reconcile (it’s laughable how close to a match we are- I’d like to have sex three times a week, he’d like twice). Never quite got round to having kids. Moved a few times for work and never put down social roots.

On the plus side. Funny, good job, generally easy going.

But on the down side. He was really unsupportive when my dad died last year. He just didn’t get it. He offered to pick me up from grief counselling and shouted at me in the car home because I picked up a coffee whilst he was on his way to get me (I texted him and said I was finished, so he could come to collect me. I asked he if wanted to go for a coffee and a chat then, he said no, so I said I’d get a takeaway one, did he want anything).

I was in floods of tears and he just kept shouting at me that I was wasting his time and he was really busy at work and I didn’t appreciate that he was using his valuable time to give me a lift.

I just felt like I couldn’t grieve in front of him at all. So I used to get up sometimes in the middle of the night to cry. I’ve never felt so alone. My dad was my last living close relative.

I realised this morning I have no memory really of our anniversary last year (it was a few months after my dad died). All that time is pretty hazy after the shouting in the car.

His dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness last autumn and I’d dreading when he dies for a lot of reasons. It’ll be the first time anyone’s he’s really close to has died and I’m scared about how it will affect him given how he reacted when my dad died. I also have no idea how to act toward him/support him. I don’t even know if I will be able to support him, given how he was towards me. I kind of want to be a bigger person than that, but I also don’t want to be a doormat.

He was also really unsupportive when I had flu last winter. I would never go out to work when he’s ill and not check if he needed/wanted anything or just generally make sure there were supplies in the house (food/medicine) if he was bedridden. He got really huffy if I asked him to do anything for me, even just leave some water by the bed. Again, he felt I was wasting his time (he’s very driven and focussed at work, very successful).

To exacerbate it all he to take any suggestion of change as a personal criticism e.g. if you want to do something other than the usual, that means life isn’t perfect and that means you are attacking me. I can’t live like that, never wanting to do anything new or different.

He isn’t very comfortable with emotions- his own or anyone else’s and I just feel,suffocated by that. I feel like I can’t show joy or sadness or anything else without it being stamped on and brought down.

He can be very negative and critical,at times (in general, not particularly aimed at me) and it just gets me down to see him fault finding. His mum is very like that and I think that is where he gets both his tendency to be critical and his super sensitivity at being criticized. But I feel like he’s got an emotional age of about 6 or 7 not that of someone in his 40s.

Last night I dreamt I was married to someone else (old boyfriend) but getting divorced from him, moving back in with my mum (she died ten years ago) and starting to go out with a guy I knew at school. I don’t think that’s the best sign.

DH has shown some signs of change since his dad was diagnosed- he’s suddenly developed an ability to understand that I have different needs and feelings than he does. But I don’t know if this is a genuine change or if he just realises he will go through loss and grief himself soon so it’ll be better if I’m still around when that happens. I think he realises how close I came to leaving him after the shouting in the car.

So I got up really early this morning and started crying uncontrollably over my dad being dead and not seeing how I can continue with my marriage. I don’t know if that is how I’m feeling now or if it’s just a flashback to suppressed feelings from last year. DH got up to go to the loo about an hour later and heard me crying. He gave me a hug, which is a lot of progress. I just don’t know if it’s enough for me. I’m so emotionally exhausted.

Sorry that was so long. Once I started it just came pouring out.

I’m so sorry.

He doesn’t sound capable of being the emotionally supportive partner you need. And times are only gonna get harder when his dad passes. I fear you’re in for a really rough ride ahead.

How much have you spoken about all of this? Does he understand why you feel this way? Have you considered couples therapy to see if there’s anything to salvage?

Thank you Lime.

Tried talking to him about some of this, but don’t get very far as he accuses me of attacking him.

Suggested couple counselling, at first he made some not too negative remarks. Looked up some counselors local to us and tried to look at the profiles together, he wasn’t very engaged, told me to choose one as it was my idea. Which range alarm bells for me. Nonetheless I contacted a couple. However one was full and the other had just retired due to ill-health. Because I was a bit wary due to DH’s attitude (I don’t think much will come of counselling if someone doesn’t want to go) I tried to talk to him again about it. He said he’d changed his mind and didn’t want to go. So I asked him what he proposed we do instead.

He did think about it quite deeply for a while and came back with the idea that we just accept we are different and work on finding out what the other person needs rather than basing our responses on what we’d want ourselves.

Which is fair enough and quite encouraging, especially as it seemed like he had listened to something I’d been saying for a long time (acceptance, recognising that a relationship isn’t about fighting over what is reasonable and what isn’t, but finding out what your partner needs). And he does seem to be putting that into practice a bit (I think that’s were the hug earlier came from).

But now I’m feeling a bit “too little, too late”. I’m fed up crying alone. He asked me what I was crying about earlier and I was too scared to tell him as I knew he’d say I was attacking him and we’d get in a fight. I used to tryout explain things to him, try to say it in a way that didn’t make him feel attacked but I very rarely managed it. I’m scared that the reason I don’t want to tell him what’s wrong anymore is because something has switched off inside and I’m done.

I love him very much but I can’t go on like this.

Why do you love him when he's unkind to you and doesn't seem to be able to look after you when you need his support? What do you love about him?

Love is more than just an abstract term; its about how someone treats you and he doesn't treat you very well. He doesn't even seem to like you that much based on your post.

So sorry for the loss of your dad, it's a massive deal and leaves such a hole in our lives.
I'm afraid I couldn't be with someone who shows no sympathy or kindness at such an awfully hard time.

Maybe get counselling for yourself to address why you are with someone so unkind

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through.

I know this won't be an easy thing to hear, but it doesn't sound like he values you at all. Sure, he values what you can do for him (helping when he's ill for example) but considers anything you want or need as "wasting" his time. Nobody who loved you would talk about you in those terms. Least of all about the the examples mentioned, when you were going through something so unspeakably awful.

From reading what you've shared, I'm not surprised you are now scared to tell him what's going on for you or talk to him. Frankly, I think that was the design of his approach of getting angry and making out you were attacking him any time you approached him about anything or shared your feelings in the past. It doesn't sound remotely inadvertent.

I went through very similar experiences when I lost one of my parents. I was effectively banned from grieving, and any pain I expressed was turned into something awful I was supposedly doing to him. It was all about how unfair it was on him for me to be grieving. There was no support. It stopped me from being able to grieve properly. Years and years later I'm now having to grieve.

You shouldn't have been made to feel afraid to tell your partner what had upset you. That's not how somebody who loves you would make you feel.

I'm sure he has good times and good qualities, but a lot of this behaviour sounds extremely abusive. I know that's probably shocking to hear and your immediate reaction may be to say "but oh no it's my fault for..." Or "oh but he was so lovely about..."

That's fine. My abuser had better qualities too. They all do. I still loved him and desperately wanted to be able to "fix" things when I did leave, but I also knew that any amount of abuse - his behaviour that was causing me harm - was unacceptable and that I had to leave for my own wellbeing. Somebody doesn't have to tick every possible box for abuse to be abusive. One abusive box ticked is one too many.

Your needs are important too, you're right. The fact he thinks taking care of you is wasting his time is abhorrent. That's not love. You deserve to be treated properly. This is not normal behaviour in a relationship on his part. You have done everything you can, but you can't change his behaviour.

I would be concerned, as you are, that he's made a few superficial changes so that you will continue to be there to meet his needs in the near future, rather than out of love and respect for you, or any real change taking place.

Ultimately, you were still scared to cry in front of him or tell him why. That speaks volumes about him not you.

I wonder if your dream is a sign you've reached a point of putting all these pieces together for yourself and realising this is not the life or future you want, deserve, or need. Leaving doesn't mean you don't love him or care, it means realising that your own life is precious and valuable - and that now it's time for it to be safeguarded.

You might find www.freedomprogramme.co.uk useful to help you get some perspective on how abnormal the way he has been treating you actually is. This isn't how everybody else is living, and not how people respond to their loved ones losing somebody dear to them. A decent, loving partner would have stepped up to help carry you through it, not punished you for the normal human experience of grief.

You don't have to keep living like this. You don't exist just to service other people's needs. You are valuable and important, and so is your happiness and wellbeing.