Paranoid or not

[LostDad79]

I need help to work out of I’m losing it or I’m not crazy.
I’m male, married 20 years 3 kids in marriage counselling with my wife.
Seceral years ago my wife starting meeting up with a dad from one of my kids sports clubs. At first the used to just chat at while waiting for the kids but then they started meeting for dog walking. However this was all hidden from me and I had never met this dad.
I only found out as I saw a text one time from this guy and her answer of “maybe she shouldn’t meet up with strange guys in the woods” all the other texts on this thread were deleted.
I asked her about it and we had a big discussion. I was paranoid she said it was nothing. But she wouldn’t meet up with him again. She didn’t tell me who it was just some guy she met while walking the dog.
In the end I said ok fine and believed her.
A few weeks later I came home from work early. And the car was there but nobody home. Dog was also out. I went out and worked in the garden an hour or so later I saw her come out of the woods next to the house but instead of walking straight to the house took a roundabout way down the road and back up the fields to the house with our dog. She hadn’t seen me in the garden but must have heard me as I had been using a chainsaw. She didn’t say much so I went in to make a coffee. Out of th window I saw a guy walk out of the woods from the same place she did and walk down towards a car. Took me a few minutes but by this time he had walked quickly down to his car and drove away. I recognised him from the kids sports club.
We argued all my fault it was nothing. Later I saw that she had texted him that I was their to be careful when he came out. I’m not violent but maybe she meant keep hidden.
She basically said she lied because she knew I wouldn’t like it but there was nothing going on.
Fast foreward a few years and another instance of lying to me this time about a condom.
Anyway after many attempts we are in marriage counselling. The counsellor said that women tell white lies! It’s normal. She also said as I worked away that women have needs, implying that it was ok for her to have an affair?
To me this isn’t a white lie? Nor is it ok. Am I crazy.
I’m not saying that I’m perfect and it takes 2 to make a marriage work.
My question is really am I crazy for thinking it’s wrong to hide meeting up with someone of the opposite sex. Or if in a same sex relationship to hide meeting with someone of the same sex. And lying about it. And if you do isn’t it reasonable for the other person to be suspicious?

The more you tell us, the more it seems likely she has cheated, or is still.

I'm sorry but I actually laughed at your last post. She had a condom in her pocket as a joke? She doesn't know how a dating app got downloaded onto her phone??
Come on! She's probably cheated on your more times than you can imagine and I'm sure you'd be a lot happier not in this situation. Sorry if that is blunt but it is so obvious that your suspicions are correct

This woman has been shagging about left, right and centre

Wake up

Makes me laugh sometimes. At myself really. I know what I need to do. Already contacted a solicitor. Just felt I needed an opinion from people who don’t know either of us.
Time to move on.

I think you're worried about the unknown as most people would be in your situation but one thing you must be certain of is that you will be a lot happier, and that alone is why you need to move on

I hope you toughen up a bit regarding divorce, do nt continue in this plodding along , trying not to upset the applecartway. You need a big house near the school so DCs can live with you . And in the years to come can happily visit with their many grandchildren. Be a man, not a mouse (in a shoebox).

You are right Pisces I was afraid of the unknown. But mainly I don’t want to break up the family. I’ve worked hard supporting and working away to keep our dream home, but in reality all that matters is us, my wife and our children. Sure we need a home and food. Need to pay the bills etc. But a big house isn’t what matters (at least to me) if it means we can’t live together. It’s taken a few years and cancer for me to realise this. I think it may be to late unfortunately.
But I’m not afraid to be on my own as I’ve been many months for the last 6 years working away and literally been on my own. The marriage counsellor as implied that I’ve made my wife lie to me by being suspicious. Not once has the counsellor asked my wife why she needs to lie? Or have a secret get together with another man. Or have a condom in her pocket?
I know I need to take the big step into the water and while it may be cold at first you get used to it.

*Why should you be alone, my point was you have DCs who spend half their time with you. You need a home for them to live with you. Not a tiny single mans apartment. It sounds like you are leaving the family, not separating from your wife. But it’s your choice.

OMG your counsellor implied that your superstition makes your wife like? That is NOT right at all.

Reading through this thread it is highly likely your wife is hiding something and if the counsellor is implying it is your fault, then it just reinforces your wife's reasoning to keep things hidden. Not her fault...nope.

Either way, keep strong and if you have made the decision to end the marriage, just keep in mind that once you are out of it and through the other side, you can rebuild your life and hopefully meet someone who will love and respect you in the way you deserve.

If I were you, I'd also look into having individual counselling for yourself. Best of luck!

*Lie, not Like...sorry for the typo.

Not leaving my family ever. Just facing the fact that my marriage is over. I will always look after my children. I would happily have them live with me but I think it is important for them to have us both in their lives as much as possible.
My wife feels we should try to be friends first take it easy for a while. That she needs space and privacy. And we need to have more time apart? The counsellor is also suggesting something along these lines. my Point is that we have had years apart and that hasn’t helped. We need to spend some time together like dates, or just walks, sitting together watching tv next to each other not on different sofas. At least the counsellor agreed with that. Don’t think my wife did.
I feel that we both need to make the effort, I will try and give more space and not be suspicious but she must try to be more open and intimate.
I think the cancer has made me feel I don’t want to wait another 5 years to find out I’m still unhappy.
I know one thing happened and can’t prove the other. I am willing to try and work it out but it can’t just be me compromising.
Thanks everyone for posting here it helps to talk.

That she needs space and privacy
Hmmmmmm, nice for her, why does she need privacy? —I wonder—

You might not have had sex for 3 years
She most certainly has.

To be blunt, ostriches have nothing on you.

Chin up, shoulders back and kick the cint out.

Cunt not cint.

Flamingos, my thoughts exactly.
Marbles- I need to carry around a bucket of sand with me. And yes she needs to go.