How to proceed with ILs and help DH

[ClimbingPenguin]

DS 6yo likes to wear a dress every 1-2 months. Last weekend, he chose to wear one however it was a day ILs were due to visit and take them out for the day.

They arrived and after a few minutes asked to speak to me and announced they couldn’t accept DS wearing a dress and they couldn’t take him out with one on. To avoid a confrontation I explained to both DS and DD where they were going wasn’t appropriate for a dress as it would get caught and could they both change. Which they did without fuss (otherwise I would forced the issue more). They seemed none the wiser there was any other reason.

Unbeknownst to me, DH had already said he wasn’t going to ask him to change. He now feels rejected as an adult, a parent on top of our shared feeling of rejection of DS and who he is.

There was no conversation, eg we’re uncomfortable with this, can you encourage him etc. Like most of their interactions they proceeded as if we weren’t there and pretty much dropped them at the door and left on their return.

There is some backstory, but their behaviour is quite passive. It’s clear we are surplus to requirements, they want to interact with the children and no one else. This, plus their history means DH feels no love from them. Although they would claim otherwise.

Typical toxic parent literature seems to be around more active, obviously bad behaviour rather than non-interaction.

Is this really an incident worth getting upset about (DD is the daughter they never had, although money wise they spend the same on both, it is clear MIL massively loves DD more than DS, DH was also the least favoured sibling as he was ‘more emotional and not into football like his brother’)

Can I signpost DH somewhere for him to realise not treating their son well is an issue for both him and the grandchildren. Will they learn their grandparents love for them is conditional on their likes/dislikes and how they’re perceived in fit in with stereotypes.

Anyway, that was longer than I thought but any help clearing my thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know why you allow them in your lives at all. I wouldn't. If they are toxic, don't associate with them and don't let your children be in their company.

Yes, I think they probably will learn those messages as they grow up. Your DH certainly has. If both you and your partner are happy to embrace your son's choices, then that is a boundary you need to enforce with the ILs. If they only want to accept your DS on certain conditions, that is their issue, not yours and not your DS.

How sure are you that there is no favouritism for dd in words?

How much are you around them when they interact with your children to be sure?

They may spend the same
Money, but that is not the only distructive forms of favouritism they can show.

If your dh had forced them to take him with the dress, they may have spent the entire time making fun of him.

Thanks both

It’s odd, when they are here it feels like such small petty non distinct things, but written down seems more like a justifiable behaviour set to be upset about.

DH is struggling with the fact children appear to love spending time with them, we only see them every other month. And despite knowing his relationship with them isn’t ideal, th and his brother (who he doesn’t talk to) are the only family he has. He doesn’t have a lot of friends.

We took (rightly or wrongly) the approach that their behaviour didn’t warrant no contact but just get through the interactions we do have.

This is the first time it has felt like their actions truly crosssed a line rather than being a bit rude and unaware.

My suggestion was to reduce down to birthdays and Boxing Day, and anything else had to have us there. Currently ignoring their request for their fortnightly Skype call.

You both sound very intense. Your DH feels ‘rejected as a parent’ because you unknowingly contradicted him? Really? And making a kid wear something they might not ordinarily choose because they’re going out with relatives is hardly a big deal. Didn’t we all have to put on some ghastly outfit for ‘best’ when we were children. It was nice of them to offer and your implication that they are discriminating against him because they disapprove of his view (or your view) of gender does sound a bit over thought.

I appreciate a different viewpoint, I’ve been unsure myself whether this was a big thing or not, or just a generation gap thing too far and we keep with the contact arrangements we currently have. But what if as DS got older, his dress sense (no pun intended 😁) became a more permanent thing? Also the fact we can’t have an actual discussion and work through it because they won’t engage. Maybe that’s the next part, make it clear we would like to talk and see what happens. Thanks this is helping me work out my thoughts and feelings. 🙂

FWIW DHs feelings of feeling dismissed and not respected as a parent come from his ILs actions by asking me, not my actions. He is fine with me, just upset. Seems like the proverbial straw.

I would absolutely not allow any contact with the children without my presence. Come on, OP, you have already described how damaging their behaviour is. You need to protect your children.

I think worrying what might happen if your six year old decides they are transgender in later life does sound as if you are looking for problems. It is hard to deal with being the less favoured child but are you sure your husband isn’t projecting his feelings - you suggest he was a sensitive child - into this situation and making it worse. Do your ILS even realise you both feel like this?

it is clear mil loves dd massively more than ds

This one sentence is so concerning. If you notice it the dc will have done. Children are far more perceptive than they often get credit for. I would never want one of my dc to get the message that they were inferior to the other. It would just be a cycle and your ds will be feeling like your dh in 25 ish years.