HELP! M-I-L wants us all to go on holiday together AGAIN!!!!!

[luckymummy74]

I am at my wits end. My MIL is very 'family' orientated. Not that I'm not, but she does nothing else but see hers, whenever she is off work. My dh has 4 sisters and they all live near MIL and have 2 kids each. This year we went on hols together, all 22 of us. I HATED it. Not my idea of a holiday at all. Now she wants us all to go again next year. They always have to go in August cos other kids are school age, my dd is only 2. I get annoyed that we have to pay school hols prices when with a 2 yr old we don't have to (Hell, might aswell make the most of this while it lasts!!). Recently we spent 4 days out of 5 in a row, seeing the whole family, cos of various birthdays etc. It's doing my head in. I come from a smaller family, who live 150 miles away, so I find all this very suffocating. Any advice??!!

I would just book your holiday where you want and when you want and if there are any comments say "well as DD is only 2 we thought we'd take advantage of the cheaper prices - may as well while we can - otherwise we might not have been able to afford a holiday at all this year".

I wouldn't go!

My family hate going away in a big group, as the different sections of family are quite different, and my gran, much as i love her, is a mean pain the bum.

If you feel you have to go, could you arrange days out just with your lot? Maybe have a meal together as one group in the day, then do your own thing the rest of the time? Maybe they can mind your 2yr old, while you and DH go off for a day out too?

I don't envy you I'd hate it.

Poor you! I'd also book my holiday and say the same as Budababe. Too hot in August for your 2 year old or some other excuse! What does your husband think?

Eek. I wouldn't go. Certainly not with 22 people. I went once with DH's (small) family, but becuase I grew up with just my mother, even the few extra people to "deal" with was hard for me. Selfish, perhaps, but if you can't hack it then you're not going to be a bundle of laughs.

If your DH is really on for it, then I would ask if you can skip it this year and maybe go as a group next year and compromise. (And hopefully MIL will be fed up herself by then!)

If he's not fussed, then just tell MIL that you've decided you'd like a quiet holiday this year.

I don't mean this in a rude way, but can you really be missed that much in a group that size???

My family are very much like this! I love it, and dh doesn't!

We came to a compromise that if it was a holiday we both wanted to do, then we would go. If either of us didn't, then we choose something we both want to do.

Now that we have ds we have decided that we will go when it suits us (older cousins and grandparents mean lots of help with ds and more time for us!)
But have agreed that if it's school holiday time and rediculous prices, we'll make our excuses for the next couple of years and then start going again when we have to go in scool holiday time! IYSWIM!

As our family go away together so much, we used to find just going once every 3 years was a good compromise. Then 2 years of holidays just us. Then we're ready for the family one again!!

The good thing about family holidays is not only the help with ds and him always having someone to play with, but there is always something going on, always a good laugh, lots of good nights out... and you can always slope off alone as a family for a day or 2 if it all gets too much!!

Good luck

i don't think you have to go to every family holiday.

but i wouldn't use the cheaper-holiday excuse because it's not the real reason, someone could chip in to help you and then it would be very awkward.

i think there's nothing wrong with explaining that as you've been spending a lot of time with the family, you need to take a break and just be with your own for the next holiday. explain that you find the volume of people overwhelming because you come from a small family.

i personally love big family holidays, and i'd understand if you explained it like that.

tell them you've already booked a holiday elsewhere.
or let your DH take your DD on the family holiday.

I think your argument about not having to take holidays in school holidays is totally valid.

And your dh should understand if you find it suffocating. I think I would too.

I think expecting you to do this every year is a bit much. We went with my ILs (but just MIL and FIL) about 4 years ago. It was OK but I wouldn't do it every year. They made noises about wanting to go with us this year, but were not prepared to go in the school hols. DH and I were not prepared to take DS out of school to suit them. So we are wending our merry way to France in August, just the four of us.

Break the cycle! Don't let it become a pattern or you will always have to go!

Your family unit needs time to itself - holidays are too precious to share one another's free time like that. A family that plays together stays together - and that includes your little family unit. Be strong. Hope you work it out.

Aargh, no way.

Are you still there.
Want to know what Dh thinks of it.
If he's all gung ho, send him with dd and go somewhere nice and quiet on your own

Explain to MIL that you and DH enjoy a holiday together (with DC) each year and that financially you cannot afford a second holiday. My parents and ILs tagged on to our holiday for a couple of years (without really asking us whether that was what we wanted) when DSs were young. It was the only holiday we could afford then and we didn't want to spend it with them. We managed to wriggle out of further holidays with them eventually but I promise never to do such a thing when I am a MIL.

HI guys, thanks for all your comments, very useful. Just a few more pointers...

Me and MIL have rather a 'strained' relationship at the best of times. If ever there was a woman who felt her darling son (of 34!!) had been taken away, it's her!!
Any decision we make, I will def get the blame for.

The whole of them ALWAYS go away every year, me and DH have only ever been once on a short break. Now we have dd, we are expected to go.

I spoke to dh about it, and THANK THE LORD he agrees with me!!!!!!! Now we just have to figure out our excuse. I agree that I don't want to get into this cycle. I appreciate some people like big family hols, but for me, a holiday is about getting away from everyone. We see them every bloody weekend as it is!!

I think we will use the excuse of money and going in August etc, but yeah maybe, MIL might offer to help.

Trouble is, there's a family event (silver wedding) so we are expected to go to that.

Dh suggested we go for 4 days and stay in a travel inn.

The other problem is (and this is top secret OK?) we are planning to try for DC2, so potentially I could be either heavily pregnant or have a newborn. I don't want to make them aware of our plans though.

I hope you are all still watching this thread!!!

just say it is too hot in july/august for your dd.

luckymummy - if dh agrees with you then that's brilliant! if you both feel the same then make your excuses and enjoy your time alone as a family! don't ever feel guilty for putting the needs of yourself, your husband and your child ahead of those of your extended family - it's you 3 that matter most!
(sounds like you see enough of them all anyway - and MIL sounds like she's hard work too!)

do whatever is best for you, especially if you're thinking of trying for another baby. good luck

Glad your DH feels the same about this. Makes a huge difference.

Make the break! Once you've been brave enough to do it, the other siblings will probably follow suit.

luckymummy - i am SO with you on this.
and warning - DON'T use the money excuse!

we had vaguely mentioned all of us (6 adult & 3 kids, plus we were also thinking of baby no2) going away somewhere like the IoW, self-catering, one big house, kids could be asleep, usual routine, upstairs, we could chill out in garden. do some days out together/separately, some days on beach, in garden. all v v v relaxed.
then mil & bil looked at prices and said, oh we could go abroad for that money! so somehow we all are...
All inclusive (hell-hole) in majorca, omg deep joy, NOT!
and to top it off, mil & fil are paying!!!
so we can't complain and be such ungrateful sods - tho of course i am here complaining to you!
and we are now expecting no2 so will be sat in shade, feeling huge, trying not to get ratty with being suffocated with attention, and the rest of them will prob love it, oh gawd, how did we get talked into it?????
my fam are much more hands off, space, individual, etc. they are not.

and we were with them 2 weekends ago, also there this long w/e, and all they say is how much they are looking forward to it...

i know, it's turned into a rant, but the more i think of it, my bloods boils.....
sorry, better go,, before i totally lose it!
kt

Katy1 - I am So with you girlfriend!!! I really don't envy your situation. That would be my idea of hell too. I would have much preferred the IoW idea!

Don't think I'm gonna be able to use the heat as an excuse as SIL had a baby few weeks ago so her dd is younger than mine.

For some reason my SIL's are quite happy to holiday all together ALL THE TIME!! I could understand every now wnd then, but it's just taken as read. I do feel quite determined not to get involved. MIL has to accept that we are different and we like our hols alone. I know she won't, she thinks I'm odd anyway cos my folks live further away so I see them every 6 weeks or so. She is such a queen bee, used to having all her family around her, doing what she wants. She is very domineering. I Think I'm strong enough to stand up to her (not verbally, it's not worth the grief for poor dh) but just basically not give in to this holiday thing. Stand my ground!!

No way, if you don't want to go away with them then don't, they will get used to the idea that you prefer to go away without them, do not compromise by saying maybe next yr/ we'll just come down for a few days, stand firm on this.

Everyone needs to get away from stresses of extended families i certainly do!

I thnk the problem is that it's a family silver wedding (one of aunties) so if we don't go we will literally be the only ones who don't go.....and in MIL's opinion, that will just NOT be acceptable behaviour, as Supernanny says!!!

You really need to make the boundaries clear - say you don't want to go, no white lies or excuses (they have the potential of just deferring the problem).

My ILs are incredibly family-orientated - MIL has 4 siblings, who live around an hour's drive away. and they spend almost every weekend with some combination of them, and/or of FIL's family (same area). Until dh and I got together, he used to go almost every weekend with them too (at 22!). I went along to a lot of things when our relationship was new, but their wavelength is so entirely different from mine that I just began to find it awful - it usually involved sitting around (usually inside), drinking and smoking, and embarrassing anecdotes. Now I have limited things to the minimum and they grudgingly accept it. dh's brother's wife feels much the same as I do on this, and (although they live at the other end of the country so she gets much less hassle) I know MIL is upset that neither of her DIL want to do the 'family' thing to the extent she would like them to, but I have enough stuff going on in my life and really need clear boundaries. They get to see ds plenty, so we've not 'depriving' them of that.

(pressed post too soon) It's only the 'extended' family things I have cut right back on.

Berolina - thanks, that's kind of similar to my situation. My MIL is so domineering, (she's in her 60's and still works full time as a manageress...get the idea??!!) Although he denies it, I know that dh often does things to keep her happy even if he doesn't want to. She's so demanding. I appreciate your comments, and I wish I could do what you say, but I fear it was cause a family rift (not neccesarily a bad thing !!!). It's such a pain that his sisters are so into it all, it just makes us look even worse, like the real rebels!!

We have just had the best BH weekend, just the three of us. We didn't even answer the phone in case it was one of them inviting us over, as usually happens at the weekend. I kept saying to dh how lovely it was just the 3 of us chilling out at home, and he agreed.

I just think my MIL is so ignorant/narrow minded, she genuinely would just not understand that we may have different wishes.

I will talk to dh about not going at all, but knowing him as I do, I think he'd rather keep the peace and just go.