Why do I crave comfort?

[flymeaway]

I'm 40 something, divorced with teenage DC. I hold down a good job and run a busy home. I'm independent and like my own company.

This might not seem a big thing but it's almost ruled my life...

Since I was a teenager I've these feelings towards others which I can only describe as 'crushes' although the aren't sexual and have been on both sexes. It's always when someone shows me compassion or tries to help me. But I don't have these feelings towards everyone who does that. I have friends who have been excellent sources of support and they've not been subject of these feelings. The feelings are always towards someone who I see to have authority.

So, for instance as a teenager I witnessed my parents go through an awful divorce. A teacher at time noticed how I was struggling and tried to get me to open up. I was quite shy and never managed to really confinde in him but I used to spend hours creating conversations in my head where I'd be pouring by my heart out and he'd be comforting me.

I had an eating disorder as an older teenager and youth club leader tried to help after a friend told him I was struggling. This time I did open up but he consumed my thoughts and infact it may have slowed my recovery as I liked the way his help made me feel.

At uni I self harmed and an older flatmate was the one I confided in. This time the feelings were a mix sexual and 'needing to talk' and we ended up having a semi relationship.

When I was going thorough a divorce I had the same feelings towards someone - this time a female, who I had always looked up to. She was very wise and knew exactly what to say to help me feel better. It was an awful awful time in my life, the self harm and eating disorder restarted and I really opened up to this person in a way I never managed before. But I started craving her comfort more and more. She stated to occupy my mind all the time. Nothing I said seemed to phase her and I almost couldn't believe she still liked me after she saw real me.

I had some counselling a few years ago and I tried to bring this up but the counsellor brushed it off not realising what a big thing it is for me.

The reason I'm posting now is because i can feel it starting again. My eldest DC has been having a few issues and a school support worker has shown me great kindness, hugged me when I got upset and has commented on my strength as a parent. I can feel myself starting to crave this persons comfort but I don't want it to start again. This person is there for my son, not me!

What's wrong with me?!

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you. We are social beings. The need to bond with others runs deep in us.

I do think though that the eating disorder, the self harm and this urge to attach to someone are all probably related though. Since you are so aware or it it doesn't need to cause problems in your life, and that seems to be how you've handled it.

Have you had a romantic relationship since your divorce?

There's nothing wrong with you, but you have definitely been shaped by your childhood and your parents' divorce (and, presumably, their sub-par marriage).

Your counsellor sounds completely shite. I'd suggest finding a really good psychotherapist and starting to see them regularly - once a week if possible.

All the best

I agree Fistful, your counsellor sounds terrible. In fact, what you're describing has only happened to me once, with my own therapist! The nurturance and non-judgmental support she gives me, and the validation, it's a wonderful feeling! Everyone needs that. There's nothing wrong with you, but you should be careful of looking for it in the wrong places, otherwise you might end up getting hurt. It sounds like you need someone to protect you, but ideally that person should be yourself (and the fact your struggles include self-harm and ED sounds like this is exactly what you need to work on; getting to a place where you can give yourself the love and protection you truly deserve as a human on this earth, and getting to a place where you know you deserve it).

Thanks for replying. I guess it's an inbuilt need to have a connection with others but once I get that connection after someone has taken the time to be kind to me and acknowledge my struggles, I then can't stop thinking about them. I want them to hold me while I cry. I can't fathom it out because i like most people I meet to think I'm strong and independent and holding it all together and would be embarrassed to show that I'm not. But every now and then one poor soul gets singled out by me to be the one to 'look after' me and my vulnerable side.

MissConductUS - no I've not had a relationship since my divorce. I pretend to myself I don't have time for it but deep down I don't know who'd want one with me.

I would get therapy if I could afford it but I know I'd be embarrassed to say it out loud, it seems trivial somehow.

I pretend to myself I don't have time for it but deep down I don't know who'd want one with me.

You're high achieving, self aware and sound like a great mum. I'm sure there are plenty of men who would want one with you.

I also keep myself quite overweight, always self sabotaging any progress to be the slimmer healthier version of me I'd like to be! That's probably a whole other thread 😂

Is it a parental relationship you are seeking, somehow? Maybe you are so pressurised, bringing up children alone and working, looking after a house - that you wish you had a 'mother' so you could revert to being a 'child' - without responsibilities.

So maybe it's that you are so overworked you're subconsciously seeking a way to go back to being carefree and without ties. And being comforted recreates for you just a little bit of that feeling of being unpressurised and without that burden of obligation that being a grown up brings.

I’ve NC-ed for this, because some of what I’ve previously posted is outing and I don’t want this to be associated.

I could have written your post. I get weird non-sexual obsessions with people in authority (teachers and teacher-like people typically, though once with a more senior colleague). I’m a bit younger than you but not significantly, and have done it since a young teen.

I’ve never tried to explain it to anyone because I thought it was too weird, but have self-psychoanalysed: I’m also a very high-achiever, but my parents’ relationship was completely dysfunctional and I never had a caring, reassuring, cuddly parental figure. My mum was being abused by my dad, and as the eldest child I was the one she confided in. I think that subconsciously I crave the kind of comfort that you describe so well, but I don’t understand why I latch onto some people to give it and not others.

I’m in a LTR and have been better during this time, though just recently I have started to feel like this towards an instructor of a hobby I started at Christmas which shook me a bit because I thought this sort of weirdness was behind me.

Not really sure what the point of my post is - but whatever’s wrong with you is wrong with me too.

I completely relate to this. I think you're far from alone.

I also have an eating disorder it turns out. I am addressing it through 12-step, which i can't rate highly enough. Life saver.

To that end, have a look at SLAA. You'll meet many like you /us there Look out for a women only group - but tbh any group is better than none.

OP you're not in the wrong... you're not wrong, or odd.
I could've written your posts. I crave love, nourishment and validation. All things that were missing from my marriage. Funnily enough, those values or needs were buried for so long I barely recognized them.

When I became aware of (and I mean very vaguely....) I ended marriage. A therapist I saw encouraged me to work on identifying my needs and wants. I looked at her as though she had ten heads... I couldn't begin to name them. It was difficult at first. But then I found that it started a process within me. One that has helped reinforce boundaries and state my opinion more assertively.

I'm rambling here, but thought it might be sthg you'd find helpful to do. I actually had to Google it to begin with .."How to identify your needs"

With me, its patterns learned in.childood where I felt on edge and.unacceped a lot. Parents have grown since that time but I see it as almost inevitable I'd marry the man I did.

You'll be okay. You ARE okay x

Please find a new counsellor! Someone who can work through this with you - it's completely normal to feel attached to people but you also need the tools to soothe yourself rather than need it from others

Can relate to you OP, I also keep myself overweight like a suit of armour to protect myself- and I hate it xx

Gosh, user, I do relate to that.

As I got into recovery and began losing the weight I found it very threatening, which was confusing. Almost everyone else in the programme was thrilled to be losing weight - as was I on one level, but the overriding feeling was a real fear and panic.

Asleep when you say the tools to soothe yourself, can you give examples? It’s so hard to do that.

To some extent I think of self soothing activities to be different, or have a different purpose. I can see the sense in Horlicks, books, perfume, black & white films etc, but self soothing could also be drugs, alcohol or self harm, and the latter self soothing activities stand in for lack of nurturing relationships, or replace those relationships.

The thing is those self soothing methods, all of them, only work in addition to or in the void left by lack of human contact and good relationships. So for some people no relationship will ever nurture them enough, for others there is either a void of human contact and support or actually very damaging relationships.

Self soothing is a poor substitute for human relationships that can nurture, protect or validate.

Im a little suspicious of it. I work in a therapeutic setting with children who have attachment disorders and self soothing often entails playing out behaviours that sabotage relationships because this is familiar to them or using self harm or substances. But also you see children seeking out instant attachment by displaying crisis behaviour because they have learned that this brings them nurture. It's quite common for them to constantly create crisis so they have to be restrained. They really just need a hug, but can't express this.

So, OP you are not alone, but it's not quite ok. Maybe psychotherapy would help.