Folks, I need some help, badly

[user1494250093]

Me and my partner have struggled with being parents. But I always thought we were strong together. Then, a couple of months ago they told me they wanted to leave.

We've had counselling – and it's obvious that I can't give them the room they need to make a decision on the relationship. I'm always up in their grill, and that's more likely to make them say 'no'.

We're going to talk about a trial spearation, but the idea terrifies me. I can't share it with my partner, but I feel suicidal most days. If I do then it'll be moral blackmail. Their feelings contain a lot of mid-life crisis stuff: getting older, wanting to make a change while they still can. They seem very blase about the effect on our seven-year-old. They say that 'she'll be fine'. But it'll break her heart (and mine).

If my family goes then I really won't have anything left to live for. I can't bear to start again in my mid-forties. I feel trapped with nowhere to go and I'm very scared.

Do you think your partner is really looking for a way to escape being a parent, rather than a partner?

You'll always have your daughter to live for - suicide isn't an option.

Maybe you'd be happier without your partner? I thought I'd die without my first DH, but he eventually left and I've honestly never felt better. The wrong relationship can drain and depress you in ways you never realise until it's gone.

You don't have the power to make your partner stay sadly.

All you can work on is you in this situation. Can you go and see your go urgently and get some support?

You have your dd. She needs you. Lots of people have faced single parenthood before you and probably been terrified but made a good life for themselves. Just take an hour at a time for now. Are you up to going through the diary and filling it with some nice things for you and your dd to enjoy together? Are you worried about managing alone or are you not used to your own company?

If your relationship ends, you need to still be there for your daughter. Even if you aren’t resident parent she still needs you.

You need to go and see your GP and get some help.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. You need to be in a place where you can survive without a partner. Otherwise your happiness will always depend on them and that is not right, for you nor the other person.

Please go to your gp and get some support

What about your needs though - it's hard to give someone space in a relationship unless you live apart. It too easily leaves the other person feeling confused and unwanted which in turn created need unless - ie. The opposite of space! I think partner needs to spell out the issues they want space from? How else do you avoid feeling that they just want space from you? If your DD was under 4 maybe it would be easier to understand, I don't really get how it's the parenting that they want space from with a 7 year old. I think your partner has a duty to be clearer with you OP

*Neediness (iPhone fail)

Thank you all! xxx
I've cried at the GP and got some anti-depressants. However I'm a bit scared to use them in case side-effects mess up parenting or make me weepy with OH. I'm trying very hard to be strong and book some nice things in – unfortunately, I don't seem to have much fun doing anything at the moment! Mainly I've been trying not to cry all the time (esp with DD) or beg my partner to stay. It's more the death of the dream – I thought they were the one I'd grow old with...

Oh you poor thing. You will get through this. I would recommend the ADs. They helped me enormously and side effects were not too bad at all (and only lasted two weeks).
Take care

My experience of ADs (Citalopram) was feeling very flat for about two-three weeks, so see if you can push through that. Try and treat yourself with love, allow yourself a cry every day (it's cathartic!) and then comedy films, TV, chat with friends, whatever you can manage.

Hang in there

Thanks! I started taking the Citalopram yesterday. Feel a bit wobbly and sick, but could well be placebo effect. xxx

No advice but just wanted to say how horrible for you op

And feel on your behalf that your dp's mid-life crisis "stuff" is causing such hurt to you and your seven year old.

Have you got any real life support OP? Anyone you can go out for a coffee with this week and have a little share? Try not to isolate yourself, even though I'm sure it's what you most want to do.
Also, no judgment at all, but if you do drink, try and steer clear for now. It's a massive depressant and will not help in any way, shape or form.
What kind of things do you enjoy doing/get enjoyment from? Anything creative? Crafty? The outdoors?

The meds may take a while to kick.in so just bare with it and keep taking them. Can you also self refer for NHS counselling as this may really help you.

Thanks all! I know it sounds weird, but you don't know how much this means to me. I'm trying to find things to do that are fun, but am finding it hard to have fun atm (if you see what I mean). ADs are making me feel a bit sick (but know this will pass). Trying to get through hour by hour by hour. Have totally cut out alcohol, as I feel really needy during the hangovers...

Well done, you are doing really well. It is already four days after ryour initial post and you have survived! You just have to keep doing it.

At some point, you will need to process your grief at the relationship ending. ADs won't fix that. As ByeMF says, you can self-refer for therapy (Google IAPT in your local area). Or, give yourself a bit more time and then start the grieving process. Either way, this resilience will help you in all areas of life and make you even stronger.

But really well done, and keep talking here if it's helpful! Hopefully the nausea will pass soon.

Hang in there op x