Mother in Law

[Winniepops12]

My mother in law is opinionated and overbearing and her behavious recently is driving a wedge between my husband and I. She is meant to be a Christian woman but she is the most judgemental person I have ever met and judges anyone who does not follow the same lifestyle as her. Its the little things but here are some examples:

1)she constantly undermines my parenting style and tells me how to do it properly. Once when my 4 year old was too shy to perform at a school concert she berated him to his little face telling him that she drove 30 miles just to watch him stand. She then went and contacted a child psychologist behind our backs to address the ‘shyness’ and went to see the headmistress without our knowledge. The headmistress phoned to tell me and said my child was a wonderful, and onviously very mich loved little boy and that this was obviously ‘grandma sticking her noae in where it didnt belong’.

2. She tells me how to parent my younger more challenging/spirited little boy and constantly belittle him telling him ‘he’s choosing to act like a baby’ - he is 3.

3. my son saw her when he wa swith my mum and started getting upset because he didnt want to go with her but wanted to stay with my mum. She threw her arms up in the air and stormed off without aaying goodbye to him or my mother.

4. my sister bought my son a toy for his 3rd birthday which was labelled as 3+ and ahe went on and on and on about it being dangerous, putting her hand over her mouth to whisper to others that is wasnt appropriate, everyone was embarrassed and my husband text my sister that night to apologise he was mortified.

She is getting worse everyday but the more i bring it up to my husband the more defensive he gets. Its really upsetting me because he never stands up for me. Ive caught them (well, her) talking and when ive entered the room she has gone quiet and i am convinced she is talking about me. I know he wouldnt say things behind my back, but neither will he stand up for me though he says he does. Tonight ive broken down and told him that so many people say she is rude and obnoxious and so selfindulged, and he lost his temper. When i said ‘she is getting worse’ he said ‘so are you’ and then when i said ‘she is nuts’ he said ‘so are you’. It seems he will choose her over me in any arguement. He doesnt get it, and everytime i say anything he fires back and says my mum is just as bad which breaks my heart because my mum would do anything for anyone, including his family. He is totally dismissive of my feelings but in every other sense he is a great husband and father and most of the time i feel loved, apart from when it comes to any matters relating to his mum. I am just upset tonight. He knows i am upset, he knows i would do anything for him. His mother has been so rude to my mother today and i asked him to text my mum to apologise and his response was ‘no, i havent done anything wrong’. Am i being selfish? Or wrong in wanting my husband to stand up to his mother? Thank you.

And i should also add that in the past she has screamed at me for not telling her that my husband had depression. She has leaned on me so much and i am a fool for doing it, but i think if i show her kindness she will back off. She speaks to my husband as if he is a child. She commands and audience when she speaks, always taking over the conversation which somehow digresses into 3 or 4 other stories, and storms out and slams the front door if she feels someone isnt listening to her or takes her advice. She pulls everyone to her head, including her own 94 year old mother in law. People tell me things she's done, what she has said and how it made them feel. People actually make their excuses to leave just so that they dont have to talk to her.

Dont get me wrong, in her mind she is trying to be kind, but i feel constantly judged. They have helped us such a lot in so many different ways - childcare etc so ive mainly shut up and taken it. But now that she has been rude to my mum, rude to my sister and her opinionated, judgemental and childish behaviour is getting worse ( as confirmed by her own children) i cant stand to be around her. I even said no grandparents to my sons party and her reponse was that she was going to come anyway as all her grandchildren were there. If my husband were to stand up for me, or even say 'listen she is bang out of line but you know whats she's like' it would be a start but he wont even do that. I am really so upset tonight. I have told him he's hurt me and he turned over in bed and just half heartedly said 'sorry' he didnt even look at me.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I thought I had it bad with my MIL until I read your post 😞 try again to talk to your husband tomorrow when maybe he will have slept on it and be of a clearer mind to talk, and explain your feelings and hope for a better response from him. What does your mum think about the situation? In my opinion if she carried on being rude and disrespectful of my parenting etc. I would have to have a stern conversation with her myself if my husband wouldn't. I really hope things get better for you soon x

OP you need to nip this in the bud.

I banned my MIL from seeing DS2 when he was born. FIL came to see him when he was a few days old and I made her sit in the car for an hour and half. When she rang up apologising 9 weeks later and I agreed to give her a FINAL chance (one of many) she fucked that up to. She sees DS2 and DD2 under DHs supervision for a couple of hours every Sunday- don’t get me wrong, she loves my children and my DH but I want nothing to do with her and she isn’t having so much access to my children that she can have a large impact in their lives. She hasn’t even seen DD2 in her own home and we have had zero contact in over 2 years. I can barely remember what she looks like.

Sit down with DH tomorrow and tell him unless matters change that she isn’t welcome in your home, your going NC and she will have limited access to your DC. You can’t ban your DH or them from seeing her (it doesn’t sound like your DH would like this and you need to compromise as at the end of the day it’s his mum), but as their mother your entitled for it to be on your terms.

FIL sees them 2/3 times a week- will pop in after work and have dinner etc. MIL is well aware if she apologises and learns to behave she would be more than welcome too- and honestly, it’s more than she deserves. I’m a very, very forgiving person but trying to fuck with my family is where I draw the line.

Me and MIL have never, ever got on. She and BIL had to be asked to leave mine and DHs wedding (by DH as I told him if he didn’t I would have her removed by the police, who my brother actually called but they didn’t arrive until she was gone)

It causes animosity. I don’t go to any family events on that side of the family- but quite frankly to get that poisonous goat out of my life it’s worth it. She’s bat shit crazy- she tries to tell my DC how evil I am, and if she continues- she will loose access all together as I have tried to compromise with her and if it doesn’t work then she’s lost her chance.

Sure me and DH argue about it and it’s shit on his and the DCs birthdays when I have to spend time away from them- but DH is well aware he is welcome to go back home to mummy and daddy if he so wishes.

Don’t put up with it OP. As long as she gets away with it she has no reason to stop.

I must agree with @LM1970

The only way to stop this dead is to completely remove yourself from the equation. I have a MIL who is the same. I do not reply to messages except when totally necessary. I am cordially polite to the point of cold. I ask nothing of her and allow her son to manage his own relationship. My children see her with DH - I take no part in it. And because DH is lazy, that isn't as often as when I was bending over backwards to facilitate it.

This is the only way to live a hassle free life away from someone who interferes. I have to say the part where your MIL contacted your child's school and a child psychologist would have been the nail in the coffin. Set your boundary so firmly that this can't happen. Check with the school that they have no contact details for MIL. My MIL gave hers as a contact person - swiftly deleted.

MIL should have no contact with your family. You take your children away to celebrate birthdays, you remove her from all social media if she is able to access yours. You limit what you share.

My life has improved beyond recognition because I have chosen to put my needs and happiness before my MIL's obsession with my family.

Thank you ALL for your replies. I so sorry to hear that tou have been through the same kind of crap!

Ive woken this morning to feeling guilty! Why on earth i have no idea. I was reading your replis and thinking 'have i been too harsh? She is actually very kind' and my husband says he struggles to tell her where to go because he says she loves her GC so much that she is coming from a good place, albeit in the wrong way.

But then i thought, no, i am always upset, DH and i never quarrel except about her. To be honest we have a fantastic relationship and he is a very good man, but last few months as MIL behaviour has got worse he gets so defensive that it hurts me so much. I know he loves me so it really upsets me that he doesnt addressherbebaviour with her.

I thougbt back to other incidences - like she found a packet of smokes. She knows i only smoke when my friend from Abu Dhabi comes to stay, and she said 'well i will blame you when my GC start smoking' as if i would light up in their little faces. I am outside when they are in bed!

Ive not learnt that one of her other DILs cant stand her and the other one thinks she is 'obnoxious' so it isnt just me which is a relief because i was beginning to feel targetted.

I think her rude ess towards my mother was the straw that broke the camels back. My mum is fab - she is so kind and fun with the children that is why they prefer her. After posting my text last night i text my MIL in my temper to say that Mum had told me that mt son had upset her and that she had thrown her arms up in a huff outside the school and stormed off because he didnt want to leave my mum and that she didnt even aay goodbye and her response this morning was 'i was very hurt by his reaction' and a smiley face emoji? No apologies, just that she was hurt and had somewhere else to be.

She has told me that my son's spirited behaviour (which i love by the way - and he ia reidiculously loving and caring btw) is because i keep calling him 'my baby' and that he is choosing to act like a child 'because mum speaks to him as if he is a baby' for gods sake he is 3.

She has become so bitter and he face contorts because she is so angry all the time or judging someone.

But maybe all of this is not my feelings towards her, maybe its because i am so upset DH wont stand up for me. Would you expect tour husband to tell her where to go

These are just small examples! I cam bring so many other things to mind (she gave us 1.5k towards a 10k landscaping job and when he didnt turn up to finish the job my MIL said she was going to tell him because she had contributed to the cost and so she had every right...) The school dont have her number, she went there of her own volition and the headteacher thought i shouldve knows about it. She has now gor the hump with the school as she didnt feel she was listened to and they didnt give her a thank you note when she donated supplies to them. She is fuming most of all that they dis not return the bag that held the supploes back to her

Thank you all for giving me advice - means such a lot today when im feeling so upset

She sounds like a bloody nightmare!!!!

I would keep yourself and your kids well away from her. She is not an emotionally healthy person to be at all around.

Your H is mired in his own FOG re his mother and likely also thinks her behaviour is normal because of her conditioning of him to think that it is. His own inertia too when it comes to his family unit simply hurts him as well as you. He is really a mouse when it comes to his mother and he is far more afraid of her than he ever would be of you. He also still seeks her approval, approval that she will never give him.

Thank you. My mum has said the same thing. My father is angry that i keep getting upset over her and says she is either ill or needs telling. He says i have enough balls in day to day life, in my professional working life, why dont i do it with her?

I have taken the bull by the horns this week though and arranged alternative childcare for my kids. She doesnt know its because of her, but at least the contact will be far more limited.

She is not a monster, but she is far too overbearing and can be so incredible rude and judgemental and childish that i just can stomach a single second on her company. Even my husband walks off and leaves her with me. He knows exactly what she's like because once in a blue moon she kicks off at him and he gets in a temper then, but again doesnt say anything.

Thank you all so much for your support today. We are not speaking so it is a great relief that i have support.

And just to add ive. Now blown my top and said 'ive had enough of her' and he fired back with 'well ive had enoigh of you'. So there you go!

The only way to deal with a person as toxic, manipulative and abusive such as your mil is to go no contact.

Sadly there is no middle ground as she will always try to sabotage your relationships with your dh and dc, she will always seek to undermine you.

You can't reason with the unreasonable.

You can't change the bat shit crazy.

Ps, read up on the narcissistic personality, called anti-social personality dissorder in mental health terms. The 'narcopath' (narcissistic and psychopathic spectrum) is not a person with a mental health dissorder such as chemical imbalances that cause depression or schizophrenia etc, that can be managed or made better with drug and social therapies such as psychotherapy. It is a personality disorder possibly coming from the frontal cortex (?) part of the brain that deals with empathy, compassion, basically the bits that make us human, etc not actually working properly. Studies have shown that this part of the brain does not 'light up' when brain scanned whilst being tested for emotional responses.