No idea if I'm writing this in the right place or not - seem to have so many issues I could put it in any topic.
I don't even know why I'm posting this really, I just feel so desperately alone, and don't ever remember feeling as hopeless as I do now. I've never doubted my ability to cope no matter what, but I am now.
I've never really had a settled or easy life, but this last year has been horrendous, and I just can't take anymore.
I'm a LP of 3DC's and 3 grown up DC's. I was trapped in a very abusive relationship for a long time, but finally managed to escape a few years ago. Picked up the pieces - something that took a lot longer than I thought because of PTSD.
I've stayed happily single ever since then, I just know I would never be able to trust again. But this last year has really broken me. A year ago, we were about to be made homeless as our landlady was selling, and I was 6 months into the nursing degree I have waited all my life to do and worked so hard to get on. I thought things could only get better.
Not so, it's now a year on, we're still stuck in damp, expensive, cramped temporary accommodation waiting to be housed. Just as I thought things could get now worse, 4 weeks later I found my mother dead. She wasn't the easiest person, but I loved her to bits, and still feel so guilty for having to cut down on contact with her- me and the DC's miss her so much, and she was the only family I had apart from the DC's, and they are all growing so fast.
I managed to keep going with my degree last year somehow, in many ways it helped to keep my mind of all the bad stuff. But in January, I failed to get one of the units in on time (I had flu) but stupidly forgot to ask for extenuating circumstances, and that can only be considered at the time. I was told I had to leave the programme for a year and start year 2 again next January, but had to get the essay in on time in the middle of May. After that I was busy clearing out my Mums things and stuff, but noticed my vision was often blurry, my mind cloudy and I found I couldn't even manage to read one page without forgetting it. I was also desperately tired all the time and had a lot of headaches. I saw the Dr, he said it was down to stress, and perhaps my depression creeping back in a bit because of all that happened.
Anyway, although I knew it was a definite 'third and final attempt' to get my essay marked, I managed to bugger it up and get it in late. I didn't think I could ask for EC's for headaches. Around a week after this, I woke up in hospital - very confused, terrible headache, I couldn't walk or talk. Apparently my friend and daughter really struggled to wake me, so they called an ambulance. I was kept in a week, MRI and CT scans were clear, lumbar puncture was inconclusive, but the Dr told me if it was a bleed on the brain it must have been a very small one, and it was much more likely I had been suffering from migraines for a while, culminating in this very severe one.I was given medication to help and discharged to my GP's care.
My older DC's have been fantastic but I've hated them being so worried about me, and have been massively downplaying to them how bad I am feeling. Same with my friends.
But I really do feel that other than my DC's, I have had everything taken away from me - my home, my Mum, and now my health. I am desperately sad that I now won't be able to finish my nursing degree, that was the one thing I thought was going well, but now I will never be able to do again.
I just hate everything about life at the moment, yet don't have the will or the energy to try and change anything either. If I had my way, I'd just lie in the tiny little room I have (that feels like a prison cell) and sleep foe the rest of my life just so I didn't have to think or feel so miserable anymore. But I can't do that as my DC's need me and I am all that they have.
My Mum had so many issues like `I said, and could be incredibly selfish, and wanted the world to revolve around her, but in her own way, she was always there for me in her own way when my life unraveled, and never have I felt her absence as much as I do at the moment. Never have I felt this hopeless, or trapped. I don't even have the option of ending everything as I could never put my DC's through the guilt and pain I have been feeling. But I just don't feel like I can cope, or even want to, yet I'm not going to ask anyone in RL for help as they only ever let you down or get fed up with you in the end.