Was this a real red flag?

[ponderingthepast]

I was idly thinking of past relationships and their demise, and the most recent one particularly.

I was seeing a man for about 11 months, everything fine except for one major thing. He was clearly besotted with his 22 year old son, and although they lived apart, they spent every weekend together either following a sport or amateur coaching (DF) and playing (DS).

I was a bit miffed at not having any weekend time with him, but knew this was non negotiable. His reasoning was that one day his son would not want to spend that much time with him, so he was making the most of it. The son had a LDR, and dad took him to see his GF, and socialised with the GF parents, also took his son and GF out when she visited son. I was never invited to meet the son, although he talked about him constantly - even to the point of when we ate out, telling me what his son would eat if he was there

After 11 months of this, I asked if his son would like to meet me. He said "no, why would he?" I was a litle shocked, and said "out of curiosity if nothing else!"

He said his son didn't care who he (dad)was seeing.
I felt completely sidelined, considering the amount of time he spent with me talking about his son. Good enough to listen to all the talk, but not good enough to meet his son. I then began to wonder if in fact he wasn't spending as much time as he said with his son at weekends, and was seeing someone else instead, and he was worried this would come out during the meeting.

I pushed to meet the son, and the man ended it with me, saying "look, let's just be friends........"

We tried this, but the mistrust I felt was too much, so I went NC.

Just wanted opinions on this. Not pining, merely interested in other's views.

It sounds as though he never saw it as a serious relationship so didn't want to introduce you

If he wanted to and tried to be friends after then that makes it seem less likely you were "onto something" re it not being his son.

I also dont think it sounds that weird generally. His son was obviously old enough that they were now into mate territory and presumably his hobby had become a bit of a lifestyle in a way and they were close.

But it does sound like he was very rude about it, so youre best out of it for that reason. And it also sounds like he wasnt looking for more than a girlfriend.

sounds like he saw you as a casual thing hence not wanting you to meet his family. my sisters been with a man a year and a half and hasnt met his mum but again i think he sees it more casually than she does.

Thanks for the replies! neither of us wanted to live with anyone else after ending our respective marriages, it would always have been GF/BF, so it's not as though I was trying to play happy families!

But yes, maybe he became alarmed and thought I was pushing for more. His wanting to remain friends was interesting and unexpected after being dumped, but I simply couldn't.

i dont think he wanted you to be his gf thats the point. more a casual thing 11 months isnt long.

I dont think that was a red flag. A red flag is a warning sign that a behaviour now may lead to abuse later on.

Its interesting that you say 'everything was fine except for one major thing'. I would have described that relationship as lukewarm. It sounds like he preferred his life to be strongly compartmentalised, and you were excluded from a big part of it. That sounds pretty casual.

He might never have mentioned you to his son. Sounds like he kept the two aspects of his life entirely separate. I'm sorry you invested nearly a year in him

Yes, UpstartCrow I felt compartmentalised, not allowed to step out of my role as a weeknight distraction. I daresay this would have continued the same way for quite some time if I had not pushed to meet the son.

I have had not one but two ''boyfriends'' who seemed to think their children would be damaged somehow if they knew they were seeing somebody. In both cases the children's mother lived with a partner.

I wasn't pushing to meet them but I found it extremely........ well self-important. If your teenagers ask you ''who are you texting ?'' before going out with their own friends and you reply ''eh, pete'' because you don't want to upset them ] hmmmmm

I've no regrets really. We had fun together, when I managed to turn the conversation about his son to something more general!