Dp’s Weight gain is destroying our relationship

[TooOldToTry]

Dp has gained around 4 stone since we got together. Our busy work / home life has meant any healthy eating plan has soon went out the window. I love and desire dp just as they are however they feel very differently. Dps loss of confidence has meant our sex life has dwindled to once a month, in the dark and mostly covered up. We are very close and affectionate in every other way but the lack of sex upsets me and is damaging my own self confidence.
We have had many conversations about the situation but things have not improved. I think dp wants me to accept that this is how life will be until when and if the weight comes off but it’s hard! Am I being selfish?

Are there reasons for the weight gain, beyond just creeping unhealthy lifestyle? And when you say you've had many conversations, how do they go? Does dp say they will change, tries for a bit then stops? Or just shuts conversation down?

On a practical level, who does most the cooking? A joint health kick couldn't hurt? Could you invite them to join you on a walk after dinner every evening? Or invite them to play tennis/badminton/go swimming once a week?

It's such a tough situation. I think if express your concerns about their health, say you want to be with them forever and want that life to be long and healthy, it will be much better received than "your weight is affecting our sex life" (I'm not at all saying that's how you've approached it, just thinking of positive-sounding options).

Losing weight is difficult. Has your DP tried reducing food intake? Exercising? Perhaps getting a referral from the GP to your community dietician would help.

Also try and emphasise on the health aspect...as opposed to feeling unattracted to your DP.

Does dp say they will change, tries for a bit then stops

Yes exactly that. We have the conversations we both get upset, dp insists things will improve but it doesn’t.
Dp does the cooking, which is fine but it’s all the snacking and portion control that does it. I have given lots of suggestions, diet and exercise etc but putting into practice seems to be difficult, time passes and nothing improves. I try not to let it affect our relationship but it gets to me.

Op I assume you're a man talking about a woman?

Even if you're not, please lose all the clunky language to try and cover up the second of both parties. It's really distracting.

If you love dp as they are, as you say you do, then the only real issue is their own lack of body confidence. Could you make a concerted effort to demonstrate that you find them physically attractive, that their weight doesn't bother you, that you love their body as it is?

I say this as someone who is a couple of stone overweight. My last bf said it didn't bother him at all but clearly fancied thinner women, made the odd reference to my weight, suggested joint diets and so on. Basically his actions did not support what he was saying, and I wasn't confident with him at all.

New bf clearly couldn't care less, and consequently I am very confident with him.

I always tell dp how I attracted to them I am. Dp knows that and tells me its a personal things and nothing I have done or said, it’s actually quite hurtful that despite me showing every day it’s not an issue to me that they still feel so self conscious with me, so my paranoid brain worries that it’s an excuse, but I know that it’s a very personal thing.

I didn’t realise the genders of myself and dp would be an issue tbh. I was simply trying to keep it as unrecognisable as possible.

Why don't you both start a fitness hobby which you can do together ? Maybe go hiking? cycling? swimming? jogging ? etc Maybe also start cooking together.

Unless it’s a serious health issue. Then what’s the problem,
And if it is a serious health issue then it’s about health more than anything. I don’t think I would ever find someone I loved unattractive if they put weight on. But perhaps that’s just me. We all change over the years.

What I mean to add in all of this is you’re doing amazingly well! I hope he can have some confidence in himself

How about the 5:2 diet?

You only have to do it two days a week so it’s not too intrusive and it’s really easy.

It worked for me.