I don't know if I love my husband

[WailyWailyWailey]

Name changed for this as I'm very identifiable under my other username, 10 year mumsnetter however (strapping babies to rockets and sending them to Lebanon, penis beaker and so forth)

I'd like to start by saying I don't think I've been in love with anyone, ever. I don't think I'm capable of it.

Every relationship I've had, I've cared about the person as I would a friend, but I've never been in love. Now at mid thirties, I'm starting to think there may be something wrong with me.

As a bit of background, I had a rough childhood. Lost my main carer from a very young age. Suffered childhood abuse and witnessed childhood abuse. Was not supported by family. Raped as a young adult. Married twice. One mentally abusive relationship where I thought I was in love but I was actually being abused and it took a mental health breakdown and therapy to come to terms with it.

I don't know if I have experienced so much loss, rejection and abuse that I just can't develop emotional relationships. I'm very good at pretending. Practically an expert. Or if I've never met the right person. I've never been dated. Romanced.

My husband is a very good man. He supports myself and my children. He pulls his weight around the house and I believe he loves me. I, however, see him as a friend. A friend I care greatly about but if he was to leave, I know I would be okay. I'd just get on with life. That's not normal is it?

It's the same with friendships. As. A child I made friends fine then something happened in high school and I stopped bothering with friendships. I had acquaintances but avoided going any further than that. As an adult, when emergencies happen, I've realised that I have a tiny support network and I should probably try to widen it, but I can't stand the thought of trying to make friends. Having more people in my life.

My husband and I have a healthy sex life. I like sex but I could also live without it. I never really get into it, but that doesn't mean I dislike it. As long as it doesn't take too long. That's how it has always been, not just with DH.

I don't know what to do. My DH and I get on great and home life is good. He has no idea about any of this. If he is happy, is it okay to just be the way I am? Or am I being unfair to him? As said it's not just him, I've always been this way. I have often wondered if I may be autistic And score very highly on online tests. If I don't think I could learn to be different, is it okay just to continue with DH as we are? If we split up, I would just be on my own and I would be perhaps lonely for company but other than that, just as I am now.

Autism was something that came to my mind. Would it help you to have a label? Could you go to your GP and discuss?

The other thing is that sounds like such a traumatic upbringing, and maybe you are just completely blocking all your emotions as a defense mechanism. Are you still seeing a therapist at all?

Does this whole situation cause you distress? If it doesn't bother you, then I don't know that you need to do anything! And does your DH seem happy? In your relationship? If he seems happy, tells you he's happy, isn't complaining about your lack of intimacy or anything like that, then again, doesn't seem much reason to go burying around! But if it causes you a bit of trouble, either internally or in your relationships, then it might be worth exploring (perhaps GP to diagnose or rule out autism, then move on to the possible psychological causes?)

I've just re-read your post and you do say you think there's something wrong with you. So maybe it is causing you a little pain. Whether you have autism, or are putting up barriers psychologically, or any other reason, doesn't mean there's something wrong with you! The fact you have the self-awareness to realise all of this on your own is (in my opinion) a really promising sign.

I saw a therapist only briefly as it was private and I just couldn't afford it in the end. I am on sertraline, probably for life because of depression and anxiety. I have done loads of self help and taught myself cbd. I've just grown into an adult that has no real emotional attachments to anyone but my children. I know I love them, it's a different kind of love, a mothers love.

I guess it does cause me some pain sometimes. It can get lonely not feeling attached to anyone. I have a friend of 30 years, we grew up together and she always makes an effort with me, but I make very little back. Not because I don't care but being social wears me out. On the outside I am chatty and comfortable, on the inside I am constantly trying to decide if I'm being annoying, boring, saying the right things. It's exhausting.

My DH sometimes complains that he always texts me when he is at work. It never really enters my head to text him. I then feel bad and for a few days try to text him but it feels forced and uncomfortable. I don't know what to say.

He asked me today if I would be upset if he left. I said I would survive. I think he was hurt by that but it's true. I would probably miss the company but I would just get on with every day life. I didn't mean to hurt him, it's just how I feel. I don't think therapy would change how I am.

I think perhaps if I did happen to be autistic, it may at least help me explain to others why I can be so detached. I just worry that my husband deserves better I suppose. Someone capable of real love. Real enjoyment of sex. Not someone that is acting the part as such.

I have wondered the same thing! I have not had a difficult upbringing or any particular trauma. I just think perhaps I am an extremely independent person. I said the same thing about surviving to my partner a few weeks ago! I don't know that it's a bad thing? I don't prescribe to a romantic ideal of relationships and see them as a team situation where you work together and support one another to create a peaceful, harmonious and successful life together. No two people are the same, if your husband accepts you as you are perhaps you should accept yourself? No one is holding a gun to his head to stay with you, so if he's happy being with an independent, if possibly insular person, and you are happy with him maybe just let it be and live your life. However I could be wrong. But if I try and picture the absolute ideal man for me, with no flaws I still think I would feel the same way. Self acceptance and accepting your own perceived flaws just makes you human.

And slapping a label on yourself isn't going to stop you feeling and acting as you do, so it doesn't necessarily solve anything.

Very wise, crabbypatty

You have more than likely have attachment issues due to childhood trauma you went through an awful lot. You seem to like your husband enjoy being with him that is ok really isn't it?

Have you done any reading on attachment styles? It might help you to understand how different people are in relationships (not just romantic) and might even help your partner feel more secure, realising that you just have one way of attaching and he has another. I have asked my partner a similar question, but the stronger my self-esteem has got, the more I realise that it's not that he doesn't love me, he just isn't capable of demonstrating the kind of open, obvious love that I do (and therefore crave!). And I don't mean that in a negative way, although it sounds douchy. I just mean, I know he loves me, despite showing it in a totally different way than I might ideally want; as long as I know he does, and he continues to demonstrate it in his own reserved way, I'm happy.

If you love your children, I believe you are capable of love, but maybe something is getting in the way.

PS i am a total introvert and love being in my own company simply because I don't have to worry about how I'm coming across to people, how they're judging me etc, so I totally get that! But with my partner I kind of feel like I'm with, literally, my other half; that doesn't come into play. I wonder if, aside from your style of relating/introversion, are you truly happy with your parner? Does he have the same values as you? Does he give you enough of what you want and need from a partner? Does he make you feel happy, safe, do you laugh with him and have fun with him? Or could there be someone more suitable for you out there?