I don’t know why it matters but I guess I’m trying to validate my feelings. Was this abusive? For context, both female, were living together.
It’s long but please read all of it, I really need some opinions.
- lots of lying. Big and little - pretending to have a job for a month and taking out a loan to just little made up stories about stuff that had happened that clearly weren’t true.
- constantly running out of money halfway through the month then expecting me to foot the bills for everything else even though after commute costs we take home the same pay. This extends to borrowing my credit card and spending £500 on it in a matter of days whilst she was waiting for a new card then refusing to pay me back. Also sulking and having a go at me for spending a chunk of inheritance money (which came before I even met her) on an investment which I needed, despite me housing her for free and buying her 2 cars. Saying I should be spending it taking her out for dinner/cocktails.
- Belittling my passion - common quotes would be ‘oh that’s so childish, my horse jumped a fence whoop - what are you, 5?’ ‘Oh go wank your horse off’
- Nagging about sex. Sulking when I said no. Having a go at me for not wanting it when we were fighting all the time. On one occasion continued touching me when I was saying NO I don’t want to. Eventually backed off but when I told her that was assault, she said ‘don’t be so dramatic’
- Having a go at me over tiny things (buying the wrong type of potatoes, not realising we had run out of milk when I wasn’t even in the house as I was staying away for work) which included name calling ‘you’re such a cunt’ ‘you’re so fucking stupid’ - this happening 3/4 times a week.
- Accusing me of never treating her or taking her out but turning down all my suggestions beyond 3 course dinners and lots of wine which I couldn’t always afford. Saying it was my fault for not spending time with her then refusing to take days off with me.
- Making me feel guilty for being at work when she isn’t (shiftwork!), saying I caused her to develop bulimia, saying all my friends and her counsellor (which she went to once) all agree it’s my fault.
- Being downright nasty when bad things happened in my life. I.e I had a really nasty horse riding accident and broke my shoulder, asked her to drive 5 min to pick me up then take me to hospital 10 min away. She turned up with a face like thunder and was really angry I’d spoilt her evening (just a normal night in) or when I was struggling adjusting to a new job (having panic attacks about going in and feeling really trapped) she would tell me to ‘go kill yourself then’ and ‘i hope you crash your car on the way to work’.
- Constantly accusing me of not supporting her in anything despite me doing so whenever I could - taught her to ride the horse as she said she wanted to, paid for her to have lessons, bought her cars when hers broke, willing to move 2 hours away for a uni she was interested in, spending hours proof reading and editing the grammar on her uni essays, 100% willing for us to take a paycut in spending money to allow her to go to uni (working full time and her part time obv = me paying larger chunk of bills). I also bought her two dogs because she wanted them as was lonely due to my shiftwork.
- Texting me whilst I was at work saying she’s going to kill herself. I work for the police so put me in a massively compromising situation - not knowing whether to set up a welfare check as if I did she would be furious but if I didn’t what if she did hurt herself? Ended up confiding in her aunt purely out of concern, who is an officer who spoke to her and girlfriend was furious at me for talking to her.
- Threatening me when angry. Would get right up in my face shouting at me, said over the phone ‘if you do x I’ll break your neck’ or ‘If you do y I’ll let the horses out onto the motorway’ or, after I spoke to her aunt ‘speak to my family again and you’ll be really really sorry’. No violence was ever actually committed.
There’s probably loads more that I can’t think of right now.
I’ve gotten so confused as to what is normal and what isn’t and part of me is wondering...was I the abuser?
I did disregard her feelings a bit towards the amount of time I spent with the horses because ‘this is what I’ve always done, you knew this when you met me,’ and their cost - I fund it all myself and have never asked her for help even when I was off work with broken shoulder and self employed at the time so not earning anything. I also felt to a degree, they NEED proper care. I was always willing to pay someone to help if we wanted a day out or anything but I do have an obligation to care for them the best I can. I can’t decide not to go tend to them because I can’t be bothered or not to buy their feed because we’re a bit skint and she wants to go out for dinner.
I did stop having regular sex with her but not as punishment- I just didn’t WANT it when we were arguing all the time
And the more she nagged, the more I got turned off.
I did eventually shut down and stopped bothering to try after I got pushed and pushed away. Before that I didn’t always make as much effort as I should’ve.
I did choose to pick nights and late shifts at work opposed to earlies as they worked best financially as to getting help with horses and I felt earlies would be pointless as due to the commute this meant me being out from 5am to 8pm after tending to the horses and I feel utterly dreadful getting up at 4am and have to go to bed at 8pm in order to be able to feel half human. It was only ever short term (I have a career move in the next 4 months or so which would mean 8 out of 10 evenings at home) and she agreed this was the best way.
When we rowed I did row back but I never ever made threats or called her names or told her to kill herself or anything like that. I begged her to talk to me and to let me help.
Despite all of this I desperately want her back. She also took our dogs as I can’t look after them by myself due to work.