Is refusing to get married a control thing

[Kannet]

So this is not about me but a close family member. She had been with her Dp for fifteen years,two kids mortgage and so on. He knows that she is desperate to be married, she wants the same name as her kids (no idea why they don't have her name anyway). She also wants the status of wife, she feels people look down on her as she is "just girlfriend".

She has talked about it with her Dp and is even happy to just go off on their own and not have a "wedding". He just says right out no. No reason just "don't want to".

I honestly think he likes having this control over her. He holds all the cards so to speak.

They also have separate money and she works very part time so financially she is vulnerable. I just don't know what advice to give her anymore

In this case, I don't think it's a control thing as much as an arsehole thing. He doesn't want to commit, he wants to leave the back door open.

No it’s not controlling!

She can protect herself quite fine by getting a decent career and having her own savings and by making sure his contribution towards the bills and childcare is fair.

Their is a consultation paper under review to stop women making a profit from marriage. They say the law is outdated.

Don't think it's controlling, it's a choice and it sounds like she wants to get married for the wrong reasons anyway. If she doesn't feel secure enough without a piece of paper despite having kids and a mortgage she should probably leave him.

This is the same situation with my BIL.

He earns a lot, v controlling with money, won’t marry. She got fed up and thankfully went back to work full time after a 10 years of being a SAHM (he wanted this, he never did a thing in the house). Anyway 2 years later he had a massive stroke, she’s now supporting him as she’s got a good job and he’s stuck at home and won’t be able to work for a long while, if at all.

Please get your relative to go back to work. She needs her own money and with this comes the ability to have choices in life.

In that case, yes, it sounds like it’s about power and control.

I’ve known some people who didn’t want to get married because they didn’t believe in the institution or been married before and thought it changed the relationship etc. They’ve all changed their minds in time, either because they knew it meant something to their partner and did it for them, or because they realised it would protect their partner/kids with death in service benefits etc, or just because they needed some time and love to get past previous bad experiences. All of which are fair enough if you ask me.

But that guy just sounds like a wanker.

If she hasn't got equal rights over the income and house then tell her to leave him, go back to a proper job, get tax credits etc. He'll have to have the kids, pay maintenance and make sure the children are housed.

Having your own career gives more financial security than marriage ever will.

Why on earth would he want to get married? There’s nothing in it for him.

It’s not a control thing here, it’s common sense

Which is why I wouldn't have dreamt of having children outside of marriage. And I got married in Australia where the concept of 'common law' exists!

It's all very well telling her to go out and get a decent job, but years of being a SAHM pretty much ruins that chance.

But surely wanting to marry someone is a 'control' thing even more? Not wanting to marry is not wanting control if anything?!

God poor woman. Textbook in how not to manage your life. My dds will get this drummed into them - if you compromise your earning potential for the sake of the family you MUST be married. If you are entirely equal and earn the same etc that's fine otherwise the earner massively benefits from your labours with pitiful protection.

She needs to go back to work FT asap.

I don’t want to get married. It’s been 13 years and kids and a house and I’m committed but something makes me freak out at the idea. I think it’s because I’m happy and more comfortable seeing our relationship as something for the now that has happened to be good for this long rather than aiming for forever.

FWIW I’m the woman and dp doesn’t mind as far as I know.

Given that not being married means that it will be a problem for her if the split up I would say yes.

@Babycham by not being married he has a lit if power over her because she ear s so little and he knows that she can't leave because she won't be entitled to anything from him. Not wanting to get married us him not wanting to give up his power.

Kannet

In your friend's circumstances she is well and truly suckered. Textbook in how not to manage your life indeed. He has all the power and control in this relationship and your friend has basically none. He knows that she wants to marry him and he does not care about her at all. He gets all what he wants out of this relationship; i.e. someone to look after him, his home and their children.

Being out of the workforce for a number of years does lower your chances of having a so called "decent career" in the long run. A lack of qualifications also does not help and nor does a lack of skills.

Surely her wanting to get married is a control thing too?

I refused to relocate with XHs job unless we were married.

Kids, I was a SAHM, house in his name.

I would have put the children and myself in a very precarious position and he was a very high earner and a cheat.

Don’t underestimate how much marriage protects the family unit - especially when it falls apart.

It absolutely was a control thing in his case. He held all the cards. I could go nowhere. I forced the issue, which meant we as a family had a fresh start and he had another chance. He fucked it up.

He doesn't have to get married if he doesn't want to. Personally I wouldn't have had children with him in such a situation, but, she is where she is.

I think she needs to accept that he will never marry her and go back to work full time, she needs to secure her and her children's future. The other thing she has to do is make him step up with his share of the house and childcare. If they're both working full time she absolutely should not be shouldering all this as well.

She could just stay as she is and accept the situation, take her chances.

Or she could leave him.

Any man that takes advantage of free childcare and all the other facilitation that women do whilst not sharing savings is scum. Whether it’s control or not he’s definitely an arsehole.

I can’t understand how you can deny someone you love something that’s important to them for so many years

Whichever partner is financially benefiting from an unfair arrrangement is potentially being controlling and certainly acting unfairly with people they are supposed to care most about.

In the circumstances you describe, yes.

"I think she needs to accept that he will never marry her and go back to work full time, she needs to secure her and her children's future. The other thing she has to do is make him step up with his share of the house and childcare. If they're both working full time she absolutely should not be shouldering all this as well".

Going back to work full time is going to be very difficult given her current circumstances. My guess too is that she bears the majority of the mental load at home in terms of housework and these children because he regards that as "her" job.

How is she going to manage working full time in such circumstances when he is likely to hinder all attempts by her to do so?. She has had no real help from him to date and that is not going to change. He remains unwilling to hand over any of his power to her. A lack of relevant qualifications and up to date skills in the workplace is not going to help either.

I can’t understand how you can deny someone you love something that’s important to them for so many years

Because you don't want to commit to them.

We all know all the reasons men give when they don't want to marry the financially dependent mother of their children, despite her wishes. And we also all know what the real reason is. He wants her to stay because she's useful, free childcare, most likely mental load and domestic duties, but he doesn't want to commit or protect her. The PP whinging about women 'making a profit' from marriage is showing a remarkable amount of ignorance and misogyny. I'm not surprised he's chosen an ultra-feminine username, they often do.