Do I need to improve my self worth, and how?

[northutshire]

As it says really.

I wouldn't say that I suffer with low confidence outwardly but I've given up on the idea that anyone would want to exclusively be with me. To the extent where I genuinely can't think why this would happen. I see lots of couples together and I don't understand why the man chooses to be with the woman, but I presume all other females have got some sort of secret that I don't know about that makes men stay.

Every single man I've dated in the past few years has stayed for a few months then moved on and quickly found a relationship. Every single one of them, probably about thirty times? So I don't date and I'm not open to it at all.

Because I can't think of a reason a man would want to be with me I feel like my boundaries are misaligned and I'm starting to wonder if this is right.

For example for the last four months I've been having an affair with a married man. He picks me up and drops me then goes back to his family. It doesn't upset me and I just accept that she has the power or secret thing that makes a man stay.

I also keep texting and meeting up with men that have previously rejected me and I'll accept any crumbs of attention. I tell myself that it's ok. And I'm so hardened to it that I don't really get upset anymore.

But maybe if I had some boundaries from the start I wouldn't always get walked all over. I presume I have to accept this shit because it's better than nothing.

I'm starting to wonder if someone with more self worth would put up with this?

The whole concept that I might have something to offer someone is alien to me.

On the surface. I'm 29. I'm very attractive in terms of looks and I have a very good body. I have my own house and a good job. And that's kind of it?

Do I need to look at improving my self worth and would this stop men walking all over me? I feel like I would literally do anything for attention.

A very sad state to be in. Firstly don't get involved with married men, that way lies pain. And you deserve more, and of course it's not a nice thing to do.
Yes I think you should work on your self esteem. And work on your boundaries , I say this as someone who has only just got to grips with it, and I'm 58!

The secret is self confidence I think. If you don’t believe that you are being with exclusively then you don’t demand the treatment that you deserve.

You need to become happy with yourself and a single life so that you only entertain men if they add to your life not make some selfish fuckwit the centre of your life because you have nothing better in it.

Self esteem and confidence are different things. I don't disagree that you have negative self esteem and it does seem to need some work.

However, it sounds like a bigger issue here is your view of relationships.

I think the latter is more pressing, although the former certainly feeds into it. And from it.

If you want to learn about healthy relationships, what to expect, how you should or should not be treated, the impact unhealthy relationships have had on you, why you've accepted such treatment, and how different it can be, I would recommend the Freedom Programme. (Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk).

I suspect that your worldview and experiences are so deeply engrained in your psyche that it will feel very alien to explore an alternative, and you might feel like walking away if you start Freedom, but I'd encourage you to at least see it through and view it as an information gathering exercise. It's down to you what you do with the information, but what harm can it do to gather it?

On the self esteem front, these modules are helpful to some people, and if you went for counselling through your GP or IAPT they would probably just be working through printouts from this site with you anyway: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47

I am happy with my single life. I'm not sad, I just have accept that I'm not worth a mans time I guess. As I said I don't really date anymore. I've just lately started to wonder why 99% of women can make a man stay and why I always get rejected or messed around.

You work on your self esteem by building a life for yourself that doesn't have to have a man in it.
No man is way better than 'crumbs of affection' - in your case a filled condom every few days.
Develop some interests, have some hobbies, go out with friends, join social activities, whatever.
Why are you texting these people?

Op stop focussing so much on men!

Why do you think you NEED to be with a man to be happy?

I think you need counselling to find out why you crave attention to the detriment of yourself.
it is not normal to NEED to be with a man, you should only want to be with someone who makes you feel like a queen and treats you the same way.

I think men might be somehow picking up on the fact that you don’t believe someone would want to be exclusive with you? You need to expect that as a minimum and even if you don’t right now then behave as if you do. Be appalled if anyone dares to suggest anything less and make it known that you are not usually treated this way. You sound as if you have a lot going for you but if you don’t see your own value then people do kind of realise it and think there is an underlying reason for it. The way men have treated you does not define your worth. Dust off and hold your head high.

I'm an elder lemon (well, 45) but I too have recently snacked on crumbs of affection. It sounds, op, as if you are aware in a good way of your self-worth, and you know you are a catch for someone, and you deserve more in life. Keep thinking this! If someone is not good enough for you .. then, that's it - they're not good enough for you. If you have a job you enjoy, friends, some interests, family, or one of the above, basking in the positives in your life will help you feel a little bit consoled. There is nothing wrong with kissing a few (single) frogs but for your own sense of self, for God's sake, just ditch the married man without a backward glance as soon as you can. This may make you feel worse in the short-term but infinitely more worthy in the long term.

I don't think the answer is to get some hobbies and to make a life without a man. I haven't been in a relationship for four years. I have plenty of friends friends and hobbies. This year alone I ran a marathon, went on a travelling break to India, sold a flat I bought a few years ago and bought my own house which I'm now doing up. I have a good career. But guess what? I still can't think of a reason that a man would want to exclusively date me and I'm worrying about rejection from a married guy who rationally doesn't deserve me.

Don't be so hard in her. It's not easy. I'm a strong woman myself, yet I've struggled with this a lot. It all comes from childhood in my case. Codependency and abandonment issues. Those can be so deep in you it takes years and years to change your patterns even when you desperately want and need to change them - or even start to recognize them - and a lot of set backs, too. You're off to a good start there as you see you have a problem here. Why do you think you don't have (healthy) boundaries?

People will treat you as poorly as you allow them to.
Your boundaries are low, so raise the bar.
Ditch the married bloke for starters.
Then fill your life with things that make you happy and remember that you are not defined by the man you're with, you're valued and worthwhile as the individual you are. Firstly, value yourself and set boundaries.

OK maybe I was a bit harsh but all I had was your post to go on.
First, ditch the married man.
2nd, stop texting people who just use you - it won't get you anywhere.
You haven't met the right person yet but you're young. Set the boundaries.

I can't offer any advice but I have the same problem with men. Although it does upset me and I can't understand why they don't want to be with me. I'm 28 and get alot of male attention but I can't get them to commit or in a relationship. All my exs have got married or engaged when with me they didn't want marriage or to rush.
I keep saying to myself that it's not me.. Maybe it's not our time yet 😕

I can tell you it's gonna be just fine either way. I've been engaged, proposed to many times. I'm 40 and I've never been married and doubt I will. Most of my relationships have been abusive (not the one I was engaged), because of the problems I have I mentioned earlier. It the problems that are part of my personality, rather, unfortunately. A lot of good men would give a lot to be with me, unfortunately they don't interest me much not that there's anything at all wrong with then, quite the opposite. But I'm still working on myself here.
The most important thing here is you NEED TO think why you (or OP at least) don't have healthy boundaries, when you get to the root of it or maybe even without, you need to start setting boundaries no matter how hard it feels in the beginning. It's essential. Tell the married man it's not working for you please don't contact me anymore. And stick to that - your boundary.

Nobody else can make you happy. You make yourself happy. Then if/when you meet someone who can add to your happiness and you feel comfortable and right with them - not anxious unhappy disrespected pleasing them - you can choose to share your life with them.

And trust me, I know how hard it is to start setting those boundaries. But it feels good when you finally do.

Or, i don't know if it is your boundary. You need to set them for yourself.
The thing is that YOU choose. You don't let them do all the choices for you.

OP you know you're a great catch and these feelings are irrational. By the sound of it you may only be going for a very small subset of men, who usually turn out out to be already taken and assholes. Why don't you consider giving different types of guys a chance, even if they don't spark immediate strong chemistry - provided they are single of course. And some sort of therapy and counselling would be good too.

I think it's mindset. If you switch your thinking to: I can't see any reason why a man wouldn't want to be with me, you're far more likely to meet a long term partner than if you think there's no reason why they would.

If you interviewed two people for a job and one gave the impression that they'd be great at it: enthusiastic, reliable, hardworking, and the other seemed to think they;d be hopeless at it - who would you give the job to? The one who seemed more likely to succeed. Because it's hard work trying to build up someone's confidence.

You sound full of energy and interest in life, so you are brave in other ways. Try feeling confident that you are a good catch. And please dump the married man. Not sisterly. Not a sign of trustworthiness or compassion for others (the wife? Think of her, ever?) Get out of that now so you are free to meet someone you can have a proper relationship with.

I think you should be twisting the question. Why on earth should you picking to share time with these chaps. You are solvent, independent etc etc why are choosing to waste your time with someone’s else Husband in the first place ? Do you want to “win” him from his wife? Is it even about him ( could it/he just be anyone ? ) I can view the alleged attractions for him ... but ( and I ask from a place of kindness ) what is it that you find attractive about having any kind of interaction with someone, who has already supposedly committed themselves to somebody else? He is therefore not free to proceed into a mutually beneficial respectful relationship! That would appear to be the crux of the matter. I suspect for the others you need to look individually at the facts, as you know them, and see if there is a common denominator. Should none of them ever have been selected as potential life mates in the first place , or if it’s a plethora of reasons.

If you treated being your long time partner’s post as a job position for example - how many of these jokers should have had their CV’s binned at application stage. Really be stringent with applying suitability and aptitude criteria, who would have made primary and secondary interview candidates? Anyone of them good enough to be given a three month trial? Would any of them really have been suitable for the job? I wonder how many of them cut themselves from the list because they knew they didn’t have what it took. Rather than you being “less than stayable with” they recognised that they didn’t have what it should take to secure you long term but didn’t have the emotional wherewithal to let you know that.

Some of this resonates with me op. What were the family dynamics in your home like growing up? I say this because I know that's had a big impact on me. I've had talking therapy and it's helped a bit but I still can't get the relationship thing sorted