Evil Aunt and how to deal with her at party on Sunday...

[bohemianbint]

Hello,

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my aunty, who, to cut a long story short, took it upon herself to dispose of my Gran's ashes despite the fact that other family members had plans to scatter them.

Nice eh.

Anyway, she's going to be at a family party I'm going to on Sunday. I haven't seen her since I found out and I was pretty furious because my Gran was so special to me and I think what she did showed a staggering lack of respect to my Gran and other grieving family members.

So I'm thinking small talk over the peanuts is a no go - any thoughts on how to handle it? Don't want a war but also don't want her thinking what she did is fine either. What to do?!

Hi,
Sounds dreadful, how awful for you all. We have a tricky great aunt in our family. Phoned my Dad just after my Mum died to say just how lonely life will always be for him, and other helpful stuff like that... I went through a stage after that of letting her know that she was not welcome to contact my dad or siblings or me. That worked as she is a great aunt (my mum's side), not an aunt. Now, when we see her, I am just polite, and then ignore her and don't really talk to her. I think a party, that sounds like it is not yours or hers, might not be the best place to tell her. I don't know if she knows what she did was unacceptable, but if other family members have expressed their anger, then you can make sure you back them up, and demonstrate your support for them, without having to raise the issue.
It is all so hard all of this, and it does matter, and I think some people simply don't realise that ashes can mean a lot, although I obviously have no information that such is the case with your aunt.
Go gently, though, you are all grieving, and if you loved her before, somewhere, in the future, you might forgive her.

Lots of hugs and hope the party is for happy reasons.

Cheers lemur. Your aunt sounds like a treat as well!

The difficult thing in our family is that nothing is ever said. No one ever wants to fall out with anyone so if someone behaves like crap they tend to get away with it.

I don't agree with it personally, I think if people are allowed to get away with allsorts they'll carry on doing it. However I am really rubbish at being off with people, especially if they are being alright with me...

Perhaps I better just get drunk and avoid her!

Thanks for the reply.

I understand what you say about the dynamic in your family but you sound so hurt by what she did that I don't think anybody would hold it against you if you let your aunt know this. You don't need to be aggressive about it. Just calmly tell her how it made you feel.

After my mum died it took us ages to dispose of her ashes. They sat on my dad's kitchen mantlepiece for 2 years! Then one day we decided that we would take her ashes to Ireland (where she was from)and scatter them in the sea. We hired a house on a secluded bay, invited lots of family over and had a "ceremony" on the beach one sunny evening with singing, dancing and unhealthy amounts of gin. To me that ceremony was more important in my grieving process than the funeral in England had been.

By the sounds of it you have been denied that part of your grieving process by your Aunt and if you explain that gently to her she cannot take umbridge. If she does then she's a cold heart old badger. Though frankly, the fact that she appears to have taken a unilateral decision to dispose of the ashes without consulting other family members seems to suggest that she is indeed a cold hearted old badger.

In conclusion (long rant over) be brave and say something.

Good luck.

Thanks ACCIOmarsbar. I think it's fairly safe to say she is a cold hearted badger! She is only interested in getting her hands on whatever money there is from my Gran's estate, and there's bugger all anyway. She cleared the flat out without checking with anyone, took what she wanted and threw the rest out with no thoughts for anyone else. I got a massive tin of old photos but only because I mentioned them, Aunty said they were just going to "be thrown away" otherwise.

I just wanted to say this out loud to see if I was justified in being upset. It makes you doubt yourself when everyone else is just ignoring it!

Either dont go..if you cant hold in your anger or save the discussions for a more appropriate time.
You may only upset who evers birthday it is, which isnt fair.
Alternatively, some one may get to her before you do and not be able to hold in their anger......if its a family do, im presuming that its not just you thats mad about this??

Sorry, presumed it was a birthday bash...either way, dont use this as a forum to vent. Its not pleasant, not fair on any one else and isnt particularly necissary.

Instead why not meet with her...in private...in a dark alley....ONLY JOKING obviously!

I think you should definately tell her what you think but not at an ocassion like this. What about writing to her before hand and letting her know that what she did hurt you and others and wasnt acceptable?

Just an idea, rather than going over old ground and possibly getting more upset over your aunt, could you ask the rest of your family at this party how they feel about planting a tree in rememberance of your gran.
I did hear of someone doing this at an auberetum(not sure of spelling!)and i thought what a lovely thing it was to do.

bohemianbint, just out of interest, is she the oldest member of your family now? In the Will, was everything left to her? I am just curious because it could be that she felt she had the right to make the decision she did. Maybe she did not feel she had to consult other family members? Losing a loved family member is sometimes harder on those who cannot have a voice at all. I know that my aunt, who does have three brothers, will just take charge and do what she wants to do as she feels that she is the family member mainly looking after my Nan. Little people like grandchildren won't get a look in.