feeling guilty about my mother

[Lolly667]

I’ve name changed for this because I don’t want to change details as I want honest advice from people based on all the facts.

There’s a massively long back story about my relationship with my mother, which I can’t go into now or it would be a novel. Basically there’s a long history of her being very co-dependent and controlling but never in an obvious way that I have been able to call her out on. She’s been like this my whole life, but it took many many years to see it clearly. It’s probaly been the last five years I’ve been aware of it and for a while I went low contact for my own mental health and I actually moved about 60 miles away. I am now pregnant and at the beginning of this year I moved closer to home, but still 30 minutes away in the car. We aren’t low contact anymore and things have been very calm lately.

However, once a drama starts in the family my mother has a wonderful ability to make it all about her. Last week it came to light that my brother has been having an affair and he subsequently walked out on my pregnant SIL and the 2 DC. My mother has managed to make this all about her and how upset she is about it. We went to see my dad on Sunday for Father’s Day, and I was dreading it because I knew what my mother would be like. I deliberately arranged to go earlier in the day than my brother would be going (he works til 12 on sundays). Normally we always go in the afternoon and my mother wasn’t happy about this, though she didn’t specifically say. She just rang me the night before laying loads of guilt on that the DC would cry if I wasn’t there when they came over with my brother and how terrible this would be for her to deal with. I stuck to my guns and went early and she was clearly not happy with me. I didn’t really engage in any conversation about my brother because to be honest she pissed me off. It was all about how she had had a terrible week with it all, how upset she had been etc etc.

I haven’t heard from her since and I was determined not to contact her first, but planned to reply if she text me. I’ve heard nothing. Now the guilt is setting in, and I can see I’m going to end up giving in and calling her or texting and having to ask how she is. I don’t want to do this but the guilt is overwhelming.

I haven’t ever specifically called her out on the dramatics, or the co-dependency or anything, I just usually back away for a while until I have the mental resources to deal with it. At the moment I am heavily pregnant and having quite a few health problems that she knows about. I’m also feeling a bit of anxiety that I’m managing to keep a lid on, but is being made worse by the health problems I’m having.

I just need reassurance that my guilt isn’t justified, or that it is and I’ve gone about this the wrong way or at the wrong time and I should get in touch. It seems the wrong time to make a point about her behaviour (but is there ever a good time?)

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading if you have gotten this far

DO. NOT. CALL

Stick to your guns and to your plan.

Respond if she messages you, but don't reach out. And if you do chose to respond don't do it immediately.

I think now is the perfect time to dial back the contact a little. And to prepare yourself for when your baby arrives: she's made your brother's affair about her: she'll make the birth of your baby about her.

Talk to your partner about this before baby arrives - you need a united front.
Congrats on your pregnancy

Blergh. "Reach out"

Sorry!!!

If you are now spending time fretting about it you may as well break the impasse and make the first move. However, in your place I would send a brief chatty email telling her about your week with a couple of bits you don’t mind sharing about your pregnancy.

Sign off with, what have you been up to? That way you haven’t apologised or actually asked her how she is. If she raises the subject again you could use something like, ‘It’s obviously upsetting for us all, Mum but we have to remember it isn’t about us, is it?’

You guilt absolutely is not justified. She is probably complaining to everyone about how you aren't talking to her. You know that right? If anything she is probably enjoying making it all about her some more.

Thank you for all the advice. I’m still undecided whether to message her or not. Think I’ll leave it til tomorrow and see how I feel.

My DH is completely on side with me. He says to just message her as normal, same as matilda but I just worry I’m giving her the control back.

if she raises the subject again you could use something like, ‘It’s obviously upsetting for us all, Mum but we have to remember it isn’t about us, is it?
This could really work. I like to have pre-planned phrases to say, it helps me feel more prepared.

I haven’t messaged her today. Postman brought an envelope this morning with some pictures the kids had drawn for me. No note or anything with them from Mum, just the pictures in an envelope. I knew they had left the pictures at Mum’s and the plan was to get them next time I see her. Normally she would just keep hold of them for me. She’s done it to make me feel guilty. (And it’s worked)

I’m having a bit of a crappy evening and feeling a bit down.

Her actions are not loving ones at all. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, your mother is no different.

Do not respond, radio silence from you needs to be maintained. The pictures she posted you was another low behaviour on her part designed for power and control. I did wonder about narcissistic personality disorder when reading about your mother; this whole need to be the centre of attention, making it all about her did make me think of this. Are you really in her eyes extensions of her?.

Its not your fault your mother is like this; you did not make her that way. Her own family of origin did that.

You need to reaffirm your own too low boundaries and say to yourself no more contact because your mother will continue to ride roughshod over you all otherwise and you will be in for more of the same and worse.

Deal too with your own fear, obligation and guilt re your mother through counselling and you all need to stay well away from her. She was not a good parent to you when growing up and such remain poor influences on and to their grandchildren as well. She has not fundamentally changed since your own childhood and has basically trained you all well to serve her with your own needs being put last. I would read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point and also post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationship pages.

It may well be that she is narcissistic in terms of personality and I would also read the "out of the fog" and "daughters of narcissistic mothers" website.

Any chance you could see your brother's kids this weekend? Take your mother out of the equation in that regard.

And as for her, do not contact her and do not feel guilty. She's fine. She now has her daughter not contacting her which is DEFINITELY something she can make all about her. I'm not saying that to increase your guilt but to reduce it.

Don't contact her just because you think (she thinks) you should. Contact her if you have something to say.

Thank you everyone for your replies

Time I’ve taken my mother out of the equation with that and arranged separately with my SIL to see them. My mother tries to use them to control me or make me feel guilty when she feels the urge.

Attila thank you for your reply, there’s loads for me to think about there. I will have a look into those resources.
I’ve never done this before, and I do absolutely have the fear, obligation, guilt, I need to look into that more.

The thing is my mother isn’t always a terrible person, I can ring her for a chat sometimes and it’s like a normal relationship. Then other times she goes on and on and on about whatever issue has arisen and makes it all about her and I find it draining. She likes things to be done the way she sees is right, even down to stupid trivial things. If I make the same choices she would have then all is well. For example, she’s adamant I need a sling for carrying my baby. If I didn’t agree with this she would buy me one out of “concern” or “love” but it feels more like it’s because that’s what she did so that’s what’s right. That’s probably not a very good explanation. She often buys things for us all, but doesn’t always show the emotion or love.