I separated from my husband 6 weeks ago. We have 3 school-aged DC. The reasons were his controlling behaviour, my inability to trust anything he says, his drinking and coke-taking. I borrowed money and rented a house, intending to take the children and move in. When I broke the news, he agreed to move out and we reached a compromise whereby he has the children 1 day at the weekend and 2 nights a week and on those days I go to the rented house; the rest of the time, he goes there. This was my idea: to cause minimal disruption to the children.
The way it works in practice is this: he nominally sticks to his nights away from the marital home but he will come and go pretty much as he pleases, conveniently having “forgotten” something he has to come and fetch. He will phone and text me at work or at home several times a day, ostensibly to do with the children and school/ after-school arrangements (there are lots of school events for which we have to co-ordinate between us). If I don’t text back or return his calls straight away or within a couple of hours he gets shirty. He also phones and texts me on the evenings and on the day at the weekend when he has the children and I am supposedly “off duty”; he asks me questions about who I’m with, where I am. I’ve learned it’s easier to tell him because otherwise he bombards me with texts and calls saying he “knows” I am seeing someone, that I owe it to him to tell him everything, that I need to be honest and open, that if I want to be friends I need to have the “decency” to be “straight” with him. I find this galling given that he is incredibly mendacious and I spent 15 years being open, honest and loyal to him and always giving him the benefit of the doubt. I’ve tried telling him it’s none of his business where I go and what I do but this only makes him worse. He also quizzes my friends and checks up on me (I went on a course a few weeks ago and he told me he couldn’t find it online and could he have the notes etc.)
It is getting to the point where he ruins my time away because I am always expecting him to text and ring and if I don’t respond he gets himself into a state and I am terrified of the tirade of abuse I will get about what a worthless and dishonest person I am and/or how this sort of behaviour will impact on the children (who are in his care at these times). The day after such displays of behaviour, he either plays it down, or apologises and generally is charming and “normal”.
The lease is almost up on the rented place and I can’t afford to rent anything else; he has made it clear he is moving back once the lease ends. I will then be trapped with him. The market is dead at the moment and none of the (much nicer) houses for sale in our area are being sold. I feel increasingly desperate because I know he has an ability to make me doubt myself and normalise his behaviour and I feel once he is back I will find it so hard to break away. I know he is controlling and manipulative but I keep wondering if I am overreacting.
Has anyone any experience of this sort of behaviour/situation? I am feeling an anxious wreck. How can I handle this? I would love to block him and never see him again but how can I do this when I am trying to co-parent children with him? He earns all the money and I am dependent on him financially so it feels as if he holds all the power. Any moral support or words of wisdom would be so appreciated as I am feeling almost suicidal at the prospect of never escaping from him.